Resolutions Shmesolutions

We are now solidly through half of January and you know what that means right? 80 percent of resolutions have already been blown to bits. And do you know why? Because people make them too grandiose. You need to start small, build your confidence. Only then can you move onto bigger and better resolutions. It’s for that reason I present you with my “2015 List of New Year’s Resolutions That Are Completely Doable Because I Didn’t Get Too Big For My Britches And Kept Them Small” list:

1. Breathe. Ta-da! Accomplished. See that? I’ve just boosted not only my confidence in myself and my goal attainment abilities, but I’m also alive. So maybe next year I can add something special and fancy to this one. Like: Breathe underwater while scuba diving in the Caribbean after winning a ridiculously large pot of money in the lottery.

2. Wake up every day. Ok, so I’ve already accomplished this a bunch of times (Thank you God) but it’s still ongoing because I made it open ended. And even though every day is pretty much forever (Please God), I can still consider this one fait accompli so long as I wake up every day. So, one small step for momkind, one giant leap for, uh, me? Yeah, that sounds good.

3. Eat better. See how I avoided that evil four letter D word? I deleted it from my vocabulary so that no longer will I utter the word diet. Oh crap. Ok, NOW it’s deleted. The beauty of this phrasing is that as long as I add one healthy piece of something every day, I can technically be adhering to the letter of the law. Well, resolution. So maybe I ate 4 pieces of pizza and half of a chocolate cake…..I ate a piece of broccoli and a celery stick so I’m even. Actually, since celery is a negative calorie food and I had to burn calories just to nosh on it, I’m pretty sure it completely cancelled out that half of a cake. Maybe I should eat the other half to make up for it.

4. Learn all the latest politically correct terms. I know I can’t say retarded anymore, even if I truly believe that someone’s brain must be lacking any sign of intelligent life, but there are countless other things that I’m not allowed to say now. Things like dumbass, moron, or bimbo brain. I have to replace them with such phrases like: assically handicapped (dumbass), brain cell challenged (moron) and peroxide induced cranial trauma (bimbo brain). These are the types of phraseology I need to learn lest the language police show up at my door. (Ok, they’ll probably still show up at my door even if I do learn the correct terminology, but at least this way it will look like I’m attempting to reform my wicked mouthy ways.)

5. Learn to be more tolerant of the assically handicapped. Some people just need to be treated like a slow two year old with a learning disability. I say this because there’s no way I’d be mad at a 2 year old learning disabled child, but give me some moron (ahem, I mean brain cell challenged) asshat (Oops, I don’t know the PC term for that one!) who can’t seem to figure out what the pointy stick on the side of their steering wheel is for (Spoiler alert! It’s to indicate your vehicle is turning!) and it’s angerpalooza. So my theory is if I picture all these ridiculously intellectually stunted apes as innocent children, I might be less inclined to want to swear at them. Maybe.

6. I won’t strangle my teenagers. I won't strangle my teenagers. I won't strangle my teenagers. I won't strangle my teenagers. I might strangle my teenagers. I mean, I won't strangle my teenagers.

7. Don't leave the house naked. Listen, I'm really doing everyone a favor with this one. Until they learn how to airbrush what the public sees on a three dimensional person, well, layer, layer, layer.

There you have it folks, my totally doable....aw, crap. I already screwed up number 5. Well, there's always next year, right?

Calvin and Hobbes totally get me.