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I have found that bribery is a most useful parenting tool. Anyone
who hasn’t used this at least once in their lives either has Stepford children
or is lying. Before I had kids, I thought I knew how to be an effective parent.
It probably looked a little Mary Poppins-esque in my head. I would have polite,
well behaved children who did what they were told and didn’t give me any lip
about it. But apparently, that only happens if you’re a movie mom with movie
children. Non-mannequin children are loud, messy, chaotic, gas expulsion
machines with no filter and sticky fingers. They can be polite and
well-mannered with other people, but drop all pretenses of refinery once they
hit home. Which is fine. I’d rather they’re little heathens at home and angels
outside of it. It just means that sometimes, bribery gets the job done better
than anything else. Sometimes, the desire to be the perfect mom gets trampled by the “It’s not hurting
anyone and it’s saving a lot of time spent arguing about it” rule.
I’m currently bribing the youngest with coins. Potty
training hasn’t gone as smoothly as all the imaginary scenarios in my head have gone. So,
in exchange for doing his business in the toilet and not in his pants (thereby
making more laundry to get heaped on top of laundry mountain), he gets a coin.
It’s been a quarter, but when I run out of those, he gets two dimes and a
nickel. (Frankly, he’s happier with the two dimes and a nickel because
in toddler math, three coins is better than one coin anyway.)
It’s funny that this works but it totally makes sense if you
think about it. He’s three years old so he has an idea of money, but not a full understanding of it. He just knows
that when he asks for McDonald’s and Mom doesn’t want to stop, she says that we
don’t have the money right now. (He’s probably going to grow up and tell his
friends we’re poverty stricken because of it, but we’ll burn that bridge when
we get to it.) So money equals happy meals. He hasn’t figured out
that coins aren’t as good as paper money and let’s be honest, no one other than
young kids seem to want pocket change when a dollar bill will suffice. (Or a
five spot!)
It’s not just money that I use to bribe my kids either. I’m
not above leveraging snacks or desserts to get my kids to eat dinner.
Especially when one of them is insisting that they “don’t like it”, even though
they ate it the last 3 times I made it. If I make a kid’s favorite cake or
cookie, it’s go time! I have at least 2 days wheedling good dinner behavior out of that, maybe 3 if I’m
lucky.
The biggest bribe worthy opportunities come from events.
“If you’re not good, you’re not going to Alex’s birthday
party on Saturday.”
“If you pinch your sister one more time, no trick or
treating!”
But the best, most awesome event that gets weeks and weeks
of bribery for parents is Christmas. Everyone is complaining about store
rolling out the holiday decorations earlier and earlier and I’m thinking,
“Thank you Baby Jesus!” Let my kids see Christmas stuff everywhere. It’s just
going to remind them that they have to be good because Santa’s watching! That’s
right, kids, you have to behave even longer! They’re starting that Christmas
hoopla right after Halloween now. Some places start before Halloween. So we’re
getting a good two months of bribery out of the deal. “Remember, Santa’s making his list!”
Technology is making it easier for us parents too. My kids
love electronic devices like the iPad and Alexa (Echo Dot) and playing computer
games on the laptop. It’s a gold mine of things that you can use to elicit good
behavior from your children. Yeah, yeah, I know, YOU would never do such a
thing and your kids are perfect, etc. etc. and yadda yadda. Come see me the
first time you are trying to diffuse a toddler-who-had-a-not-long-enough-nap meltdown in the grocery
store. I will promise that kid a kidney if we can just get the hell out of that
store immediately!
Another parenting trick that I would never use is sibling
rivalry. This one has a short shelf life and only works a few short years
when they’re little and too young to remember the mind games that Mom and Dad
had to play just to get him to eat his vegetables.
“Wow youngest child, look at how good older brother is at
eating his dinner! I bet YOU can’t eat your dinner like your big brother!”
“Look teenaged daughter, your oldest brother is doing so
well in college, I bet YOU can do just as well, no, maybe even better!"
“Hey middle child, you are behaving SO well. Thank you for
being a good boy.” (Said in front of current misbehaving child.)
Now, before you get your judgey face on, listen. It’s not like I’m proud of having to stoop to
these measures. It’s just that sometimes, you just have to find something,
ANY thing, that works and stick to it. Not many people will admit it, but this
parenting thing is freaking hard! It doesn’t even come with a manual. You’re
supposed to figure this shit out for yourself and hope that you can produce
decent, productive members of society using chewing gum, a paper towel roll,
and a paper clip. (Ha! MacGuyver reference.) I know people who can't even make meat loaf let alone productive members of society. So if we need five minutes to think and the iPad educational app is just sitting there so quietly....go ahead, I won't tell a soul. (At least not while I'm paying my kid to poop!)
