Posts
It's hard to believe, but tomorrow is Halloween. I think, of all the kid oriented holidays (and boy, those twerps got all the good ones!), this one has to be the kid-est oriented-est.
If you doubt this, consider the mass pumpkin hiding that is occurring in towns big and small, all across the country. That's right, because only kids would be dumb enough to piss off their potential free source of candy before they get it.What kind of idiots do that? Uh, kids that's who. They'll TP your trees, shaving cream your car, egg your house, and smash the jack o'lanterns.
Now that I think about it, that's probably why the fun size candy bars were invented. A bunch of pissed off adults who were tired of the Halloween shenanigans and refused to give those kids full sized candy bars. Before the miniature versions were invented they probably just threw hunks of milky way and snickers at kids. "Take THAT you little ba*tards!"
Because only kids would think that it's acceptable to smash pumpkins that their peers, other kids just like them, spent time creating. Only heathens would take a crap on the family tradition of carving vegetables with spooky faces that we can put on the porch and light, like creepy beacons of paganism. Only heinous (probably teenage) monsters would think it's ok to ruin the equivalent of a week's worth of parental patience by smashing it all over the driveway. I'm not kidding. Have you ever tried to carve pumpkins with a 4 year old? A feral, wild child who could be a poster child for Ritalin? It pretty much goes like this:
Okay, now we're going to cut out the eye...stop touching that. I just need to get the little pumpkin carving tool. Put that down, it's sharp! Okay, do you want circle eyes or triangle....please leave that alone. Because it's pumpkin guts, not a toy. No, leave it in the bowl. So circle eyes. Ok, now you push the eye out. No, not with the poker tool, just use your finger. Great! Now we can do the next eye, don't put that in your eye! Because it's not your eye.Yes I know its the pumpkin eye. Okay, I already told you to put the cutting tool down. Because it's sharp and you can hurt yourself. Stop stabbing the table with the poker tool!
And soon and so forth.
After spending all of that quality family time (without crying, liquor, Xanax, OR copious amounts of cookies), just to have it heaved all over the road? Yeah, that's pretty much some moronic kid move.
Another big hint that this is a HUGE kid holiday is the candy. I mean, what kid doesn't want candy? (Yes, Linda, even your kid who has only ever eaten vegetarian tofu wants candy, stop kidding yourself.) How is that not literally their dream? To walk up to stranger's houses, knock on the door, say a few words, and come away with the sweet nectar of the gods? And to have this done all over the entire city? Uh, yes please! (Actually, I'm NOT a kid and this idea is pleasing to me. Especially if you throw in some orthopedic insoles after walking around all night.)
Not to mention that they score this candy by wearing costumes. So let's review: Mass destruction and pranking, followed by playing dress up (Sorry...for the boys, I mean "role playing".) and topped off with scads of deliciously free candy. I'm going to go with The Most Child Oriented Holiday for 200 Alex.
On the upside, if you take your kid out trick-or-treating long enough, you can get a decently sized stash that you can both share. Just make sure they know about the two most important rules of Halloween: Full size candy bars are meant for full size people and Momma is the candy checker-outer for your own safety.
Happy Halloween from my ghouls and goblins to yours! Stay safe and take lots of pictures that you'll feel guilty about forgetting to print out for another 3 years!
Need more mayhem? Find me on the instagram (@modernmommayhem) and the Facebook (also modern mom mayhem)
