Sometimes, however, I come across something gross.
Yesterday was one of those days.
Did you know that you could make your child's umbilical cord into jewelry? That's right, you can now wear a shriveled up collection of human cells right on your person! Make it into a ring and flash that 'bilical bling to all your friends! Or make it into a necklace and keep those decaying particles near and dear to your heart!
Um, no. |
Seriously? How did I not know this was a thing now? I feel like any second someone is going to jump out from behind a bush and tell me I'm being pranked or something. Do they still do Candid Camera? There's a hidden camera recording my crinkle nose of disgust reaction over this, right? Is this like one of those gag gift boxes where you think it's toddler ankle weights and then someone says they're just kidding and your real gift is inside? No? You mean this stuff is for real?
What fresh hell is this?
Listen, I love my kids. Truly. But never have I finished giving birth to one of my precious progeny and called out to the nurse, "Hey, don't throw that umbilical cord away, it'll make me a fine accessory when my pearls are too dressy!" Not only was I a little busy basking in the after glow of childbirth (translation: stitches, many stitches), but I guess I am just not avant garde enough to see the art in wearing something that was once contained on my insides. On. My. Insides. Y'all.
What's next? Kidney stone earrings? Tonsil toe ring? Appendix necklace?
How the hell did this even start? Is this like Hoarders: Extreme Motherhood Edition? Is someone trying to see how may different pieces of memorabilia you can have from your child's life and this one was the one that took the cake?
"I'll see you your first haircut hair samples and raise you baby's first nail clippings."
"Oh yeah, we'll Ill see those nail clippings and raise you this ring....made out of my kid's umbilical cord."
"Yeah, okay, you win. That's cray."
Do these people realize that they are wearing a vein? And something called Wharton's Jelly. (I looked this up on the internet out of curiosity. I'm not sure which is more frightening: That I had no idea what Wharton's Jelly was after having 4 kids, or that someone felt the need to name the stuff Wharton's Jelly. Who is Wharton and why is his jelly inside me?) It's basically wearing dried gelatinous vein material.
(But it really makes this blouse POP!)
I guess the moral of the story is this: If it was in/on/of any part of my body and it proceeded to come out/off, it was probably not meant to find a new home inside my jewelry box. And by probably, I mean "No freaking way, man!"
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