Just in Case, You Better Knock on Wood

There are two types of people in this world: Those who are superstitious and those who live their lives recklessly walking under ladders and jinxing the entire world with their taunting of the universe without the courtesy of knocking on wood.

You probably can’t guess which group that I fall into.

I don’t even know how I became so superstitious. I didn’t grow up with an Italian Nonna who made lentils on New Year’s or warned me of the dangers of someone giving me the dreaded evil eye. I didn’t grow up in ancient Aztec culture where humans were sacrificed to honor their Gods. I am not part of the Chinese culture with their hatred of certain numbers (Four is EVIL!!) and lucky feng shui furniture placement. I wasn’t even born in India, which according to the Google-meister is the most superstitious country in the world.

I know that there are probably people out there who subscribe to more than just a few old wives tales and hand me down folklore, which amounts to my level of supernatural paranoia. I am, unfortunately, susceptible to learning about NEW things to add to the list though. (Damn reading will get you every time!)

The perfect example of this is Mercury. That damn planet was in retrograde for like, EVER! Apparently you aren’t supposed to make any major changes during a retrograde period because your cat will spontaneously combust and your aunt will choke on her meatloaf. Or something. Hold on while I refresh my memory on this. (Sometimes I retain a fact but forget the why. Limited space and all that.)

<Insert pleasant hold music here>

Holy crap, information overload! Mercury in retrograde can cause irritability, moodiness, and forgetfulness. You shouldn’t start new projects or take trips. Don’t agree to anything. Don’t buy any new technology. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t make any life changing decisions. You know what? Just stay in the house. Retrograde only comes like 3 or 4 times a year and lasts about three weeks each period. We can all afford to hibernate in our homes for three months a year, right?

Realistically I don’t think that Mercury’s alleged backward movement is causing all the havoc that I mentioned. I really don’t. But then again, there’s this teeny part of me that says, "Well, why chance it?" Is it really hurting me to hold off my wild, impulsive decisions to quit my job and be a horse wrangler in Montana? Perhaps some introspection is needed here. Let me consult my tarot cards for clarification.

It’s not even planetary motions that got me whack. Do you know how many old wives tales that there are? Because I don’t. What I DO know is that I’ve probably heard a few dozen of them, probably in my impressionable, formative years. They stuck. And I pass them on to my kids, who will pass them on to their kids, thus repeating a very tidy superstitious circle. It doesn’t even matter to me if modern science manages to debunk that myth, I will still yell at you for going outside with wet hair because you WILL CATCH YOUR DEATH OF PNEMONIA!!! (I may not have had a Nonna, but apparently I am one deep inside where it counts.)

So if you’re planning on making an outrageous statement about the weather (“Looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day!”) and you aren’t willing to knock on wood just on the off chance that the weather Gods are spiteful and want to (quite literally) rain on your parade, well, that’s your own fault buddy. Maybe next time you’ll learn a valuable lesson and throw salt over your left should when you spill it in order to nullify the effects of that penny that you picked up ON TAILS?!?!? GASP! (Shakes head.) When will you learn?

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