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These last 10 weeks of quarantine
have been really rough. Wait, what? It’s only been TWO weeks? Geez, they must
have been rougher than I thought. If, like me, you are losing your ever loving
mind being confined into your shrinking shoebox of a house with the demon spawn
that you once adored (before breathing the same air for days on end), you
probably need some tips to make it through this time. Well you are in luck because
I have compiled my “Top 7 Ways of Surviving Your Children in a Global Pandemic.”
1.) Don’t have kids. This is the easiest way to avoid losing your mind
during a mandatory quarantine with your family. If you HAVE to have any, maybe
just one. That will cut down your chances of having to ever say things like, “Stop
farting on each other” and “If you don’t share that paper towel tube I will
throw it away and no one will play with it!” If it’s too late, and you’ve had
many children, then hopefully the rest of these hints work for you.
2.) Try to vary your routine like a drunken clown on a unicycle is your
personal assistant. Yes, kids do great with routines and structure….normally.
But all bets are off in the zombie apocalypse. Keep that daily schedule varied
and keep them rug rats guessing. Can’t find mommy? Is it because she’s playing
hide and seek? Taking a bathroom break? Crying in the closet? What will we have
for lunch today? Homemade lunchables? Make your pizzas? Peanut butter crackers,
juice boxes and whatever else is in the snack cupboard because I-just-can’t-do-this-meal-creativity-thing
anymore? Who knows? Every day is an adventure when your grip on reality is
determined by (the number of days in captivity and quantities of available
cocktails) your imagination!
3.) Make sure to incorporate
“gym class” into their daily schedule. For some reason these kids are
bouncing around this house like pogo sticks on crack. Their activity levels are
only matched by their level of whining about how unfair (fill in the blank) is.
The only way you’re going to get five minutes of peace tonight is if you can
tire out the little A-holes enough to crash like a college frat boy after alpha
gamma omega’s post rush week toga party.
4.) Don’t underestimate parental creativity. There is only so much math
I can argue about, I mean, TEACH my kids before I want to choke the person who
invented common core. Time to dust off those “Back in my day” gems and teach
them some useful skills….like how to con your kids into free labor in the name
of showing them valuable “life skills”. In the mood for some cookies? Home
economics 101. Car need an oil change? Auto Mechanics 101. Balancing your hot-mess-because-of-
apocalypse-stress-shopping checkbook? Finance 101. Need a dirty martini?
Bartending 101. Need to clean out the garage? Organization 101. Seriously people,
think of the benefits. A clean house and a kid pumped full of all sorts of
useful tools in their toolbox of life. What do you mean she’s only 4? You’re
never too young to learn how to cook a 12 course meal. (Please note that is
meant to be funny because of the age of the child and that I’m not really
expecting a 4 year old to cook. Everyone knows that’s at least a 6 year old
job. Geez.)
5.) Don’t listen to those people who tell you to “make the most of this
time”. Unless you’ve lived in this bomb shelter we are currently calling
home don’t talk to me. I have become one with the dishwasher and washing
machines because we are spending so much time together lately. Gauging by the
amount of food consumed on a daily basis, I think that there may be extra
children living here. I deal with tantrums and crying and after I’m done I wipe
my face and go take care of the kid’s tantrums and crying. We are trying our
best to make happy memories but I’m pretty sure we are just racking up more future
therapist bills. #Ipromisewearetryingourverybesthere
6.) Take advantage of electronic devices. For the love of all that’s
holy, now is NOT the time to meter their screen time. One of the few perks of
being stuck in our homes for years (fine, weeks that only feel like years) is
that we get to have all of technology with us. Tablets, computers, smart tvs,
digital reading devices…all of them stuck in our isolation chamber right along with
us. (Thank the good Lord himself!) And after the 937th fight that
you’ve refereed between your precious progeny, a little electronic interference
can be seriously needed. Netflix and chill baby. Or Amazon Prime and Chill,
Apple TV and chill, Hulu and chill…IDGAF how you chill but if you and your
siblings don’t go into a separate room and stop beating on each other I will
flip my shit. You better chiggity check yo’self before I wreck yourself. Here,
have an iPad. Oooh, look, an academic app! Sit down, shut up and learn dammit.
Alexa, pour me a cocktail and play some 90’s dance music. Siri tell me the
weather on Mars. Hey Google, how do I build a spaceship?
(What do you mean there are a lot
of references to alcohol? Listen judgy judgerson, we all have our own coping
mechanisms. Now get down off your high horse and come have a mai tai.)
7.) Speaking of alcohol….. Hey, a little day drinking never hurt,
right? I mean, it’s not like you’re &*%$@#! going anywhere in this
$#&!*@# quarantine. No one is going
anywhere. We’re all going nowhere and it is going to last forever! So if you
want to have a liquid lunch on day 42 of self-isolation, who’s going to say something?
Those twerps? Please. Everyone knows that it’s your word against theirs. Plus,
who are they going to tell? You’re sleeping with the principal.
