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Dear 2020,
We have asked you
here to, well, I’m just going to say it. This is an intervention hon. You are,
frankly, a hot mess of a year. In fact, I think it may be safe to say that you
have passed hot mess and gone straight to garbage heap. Yes, it’s truly that
bad. Now, now, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Well, there are a few things to be
ashamed of but we’re not trying to place blame here. We just want to help you.
I know what you’re thinking. You
started out with such promise. A fresh new year, a fresh batch of resolutions
that we all know no one actually follows through on. It was the beginning of a
brand new decade with so many possibilities on the horizon. Vacations were
planned. Parties and gatherings were held. Families still liked each other.
Yup, 2020 was going to be an amazingly awesome year. Sadly, this shiny
happiness was short lived.
Because shit hit the
fan with Corona (the-virus-not-the-beer).
Though you started
showing some signs of stress in February, it wasn’t until March that you began
your rapid downward spiral. I will give you credit, you went off the rails in a
spectacularly big way. Not only did you shock the world with a global pandemic,
but you branched out a little and dabbled in murder hornets. You tried your
hand at pyromania with the Australian bush fires. Those must have been practice
for the bigger event as the entire west coast has been under a fiery siege
for weeks now. Yet probably the biggest shocker we had to face was when
you let Megan and Harry quit the royal squad. I mean, we REALLY didn’t see that
one coming.
Like any great overachiever,
you didn’t stop there. That’s right, if you act now, we’ll throw in half a
dozen more tragedies and bizarre occurrences for the low, low price of all your
sanity and belief in mankind. Yes, call now and you can also have an unsuccessful
presidential impeachment, a stock market crash, protests and riots that prove
black lives do matter, plus you'll found out who the Tiger King is! (What really
happened to Carole Baskin’s husband anyway? She totally whacked him didn’t she?
C’mon 2020, I won’t tell anyone.)
As if that wasn’t
enough you also proved that some people shouldn’t procreate, or at least name
their child, when Grimes and Elon Musk named their baby some mathematical equation
or some crap like that. I tried to understand what the hell they actually named
the poor kid but I think they are still trying to figure it out themselves.
Hopefully they’ll come back to it. Quibi was also released unto the world and I’m
not sure anyone realized it although ironically, with most of us quarantined
and needing more to occupy us, we totally needed it more than ever.
Some of the things
you got into were downright biblical. For a while there, I started looking for
the 4 horsemen before I went to work. (Because if the world is ending, I’m
calling in sick y’all.) There were locust swarms, flooding in Indonesia, a
volcanic eruption in the Philippines, a plague ridden squirrel, earthquakes in
Turkey and the Caribbean, and 4 hurricanes so far. In my corner of the world,
we’ve been hit with the tail end of a hurricane and had an earthquake, both
oddities for our area. Oh, and there was an explosion in Beirut. Because why
not blow something up when you're having a craptastic year, right? Sigh. This is not therapeutic 2020, we've talked about this.
So do you see
where we have some cause for concern? Not only are you unraveling at an alarming rate,
but YOU KILLED MR. PEANUT! What kind of a monster would do that?
I’m sorry, I’m
sorry. I didn’t mean that. Of course you’re not a monster. Pardon my language
there. You have to realize though, that these are not the sane actions of a
stable and healthy year, right? Buddy, you’re sick. (Like literally, you’re
teeming with Covid-19.) You know what? Why don’t you just go lie down for a
while and rest. I’ll bring you a cool compress and some valium and you can just
lay low and chill until 2021 gets here, okay? Hey, why don’t you watch some
Netflix? Uh, on second thought, everything you touch seems to turn to shit so
probably let’s leave Netflix alone. Why don’t you watch the debate? It’s very
entertaining and sure to cheer you up.
We’re going to get
through this 2020, I promise.
Sincerely,
All The People
Trying Not To Lose Our Minds Right Now
