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Now that the vaccine for ‘Rona is rolling out, we are moving towards some semblance of normalcy. Don’t get me wrong, this is technically amazing progress. I admit, however, that there are things that I’ll miss having lived through my first (and hopefully last!) pandemic.
The
first thing that I will miss are the masks. I KNOW! I was totally surprised
myself. At the beginning, it was so strange and abnormal to wear a face
covering. It was hot and itchy and wrong. Until we went 18 months in my house
without a single creeping cruddy, drippy nosed, hacking, sneezy child.
Eighteen. Months. This is the healthiest my family has ever been in fact. I’m fairly
certain that we may be bionic by now. I mean, that’s some sort of miracle right
there. I have NEVER had an 18 month stretch of non-illness in my house since
the first progeny was popped out. I AM sad for the cough drop industry though. I think that we may have been single handedly keeping them afloat for the last two decades.
In addition to the health benefits,
masks also hid my face. Pre-pandemic I had gotten fabulously awesome at
learning not to say what I was thinking. My face, however, had a learning curve
and wasn’t quite there yet. The masks covered (pun intended) that issue beautifully.
Now I’m not sure I can go back to full time masklessness, vaccine or not. I am
going to have to re-train my face to hopefully not show downright incredulity at
people’s stupidity. My only saving grace is that I know, from the number of
videos I’ve seen recently, that I am not alone in this. The “can’t control what
my face does when you speak” group is a large one. We are many. We are fierce.
But we are also damn expressive unfortunately.
Also, it’s extremely obvious when
you whisper, “What the actual f*ck?” without a mask on. Whereas whispering that
with a mask on is only problematic if someone is super close to you.
(Which, hello?!? Pandemic! Please maintain six feet social distance at all
times. Even once the pandemic is 1,000% over.)
Well, I guess it might also be
problematic if you’re only able to do a loud stage whisper.
But I digress.
The second thing that I am going to
miss about the pandemic is the built-in excuse to be antisocial. All of us
introverts just had an eighteen-month vacation from social obligations. And it
was wonderful…. I mean, it was terrible. Yes, sadly, we were forced to
stay in and decompress. Become one with the sofa. Binge books, Netflix, and
bread baking. Learn a new hobby. Snuggle with our kids. Have family game
nights. Enjoy our homes. Yes, it was a frightfully horrid ordeal that we would
never want to repeat…. more than once a month. Ok, ok, twice a month. But I
draw a hard line there! Yes, that line stops at three times a month for sure.
Pre-pandemic I had socialized enough
that I was (mostly) not awkward anymore. Notice I said mostly. I am too clunky
to ever be 100% graceful, though I do occasionally manage an entire function
without one single uncomfortable moment. Well, make that past tense. Apparently,
the year and a half hibernation has reset my social skills to their default
setting. Which is only weird if you’re one of the unlucky ones who invited me
to your post pandemic event. (By the way, sorry sis. I’ll probably be better by
the Christmas party.) If you did/do, you will be the lucky winner of one inelegant,
dorky, book loving, antisocial mom who hasn’t gotten enough sleep in 23 years.
I hold my humor as my shield AND my sword, but my dark and twisty sense of
humor sometimes offends the normal people who don’t have coffee for blood and song
lyrics on a non-stop loop in their brains. My sarcasm is a warm blanket that I
wrap around me and I often have inappropriate words fall out of my mouth.
But once you get past all that, I’m
quite a delight!
So if you manage to see me out in
public with a naked face, and it has one of its usual “OH MY GOD, I CAN’T MAKE
THIS SHIT UP” looks, it’s not you. Unless there is literally no one else around.
Then it probably IS you. And in that case, I’m sorry for what my face is saying.
Need more mayhem? Find me on
FaceBook (modernmommayhem)
Or find me on the ‘Gram (@modernmommayhem)
Want to send me a personal
note, a comment, or give me an off color joke to add to my collection? (A nun,
a cowboy and a demon walk into a bar…) Send a message to
modernmommayhem@gmail.com
