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I think that we can all agree that adulting isn’t all that we imagined it would be when we were kids. Do you remember how excited we were to grow up and do anything we wanted? Boy, that didn’t turn out that well for us, did it?
First of all, we were all eager to grow up so we could stay up as late as we want. Turns out that if we do that as an adult, we are tired for the next 3.5 years. If you add up all the nights we went to bed “too late”, you’ll understand that this cumulation is the sole reason we are perpetually exhausted. Our current tally of nights that we would need to go to bed early to get back on track is around 37,297. At this point, we might as well just watch one more episode anyway.
Another
thing that was going to be so cool about being an adult was having money. What
we failed to factor into our nine year old dreams was that there are vile things
called “BILLS” that also like our money. Now that we are grown and have to pay
for our food and electricity and cars, it’s not as exciting to have our own
money. And don’t even get me started on the taxes! What kind of adult
bullshittery is this? I lose 1/4 of my check before I even get to see it.
Then
there was the fact that we couldn’t wait to grow up and have our own kids and
not only would we be 100 times cooler than our own parents, our kids would be
awesome and perfect in every way. It turns out when we actually did have kids, we found
out that we turned into our parents. And that the kids were only awesome like
43% of the time but we live with them 100% of the time. (Thus proving that math
has failed me yet again.)
We
also thought that we were going to have tons of friends and fun things to do
when we got older. Now we are older and we’re like, “Ugh, do we HAVE to leave
the house?” And “Ugh, people.” Now that we are fully formed adults, can we all just agree that socializing is overrated? Let’s just Netflix and Ben & Jerry’s.
Nothing says socializing like sitting with your spouse binge watching Forensic
Files marathons in your sweats.
Now,
don’t get me wrong, there is nothing quite like the innocence of childhood. But
man, we were so stupid! Why we ever thought that growing up was FUN is beyond
me. We get to go to work 5 days a week and during the 2 days “off” we get to
catch up on all the stuff that we can’t get done during the work week. My To-do
list now has it’s own To-do list. I turned my back and they had little To-do
list babies. They’re spawning at an alarming rate, which is frustrating because
I was under the impression that lists were something that had the capability of
being finished. This law doesn’t seem to be applicable to the mighty to-do
list. It’s never “Ta-da, I’m Ta-Done with the To-Do’s!” Instead I seem to add 2
things for ever one crossed off. This list is like one of those bad dreams where
you’re running for your life from a monster with “TO-DO” written on its
sweatshirt and then it turns out that you’re running on a never ending list
that ends up having a creepy paper face that starts laughing like an evil
villain…. ok, yeah, I might have too vivid of an imagination.
Where
was I again?
Oh
right, kids rule and adults drool. Do our kids even realize how good they have
it? Of course not. They are too busy being impatient to grow up so that they
can stay up late and spend all their money on video games and party like it’s
1999.
Little
do they know that old is hiding around the corner, waiting to kick their ass. Run
kids! Before it’s too late!
I
guess what I am trying to say is that I give adulting a bad Yelp review. 10/10
don’t recommend. If at all possible, don’t grow up. Stay a Toy’R’Us kid forever
and don’t forget to drink your ovaltine.
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