My Ducks Can’t be in a Row Because They’re Being Chased by Squirrels

           Despite my best intentions, it seems as if I don’t have it as together as I would like. This is frustrating since it directly disobeys a direct tenant of my OCD personality. The one that says “Thou Shalt Have All Thine Shit Together Always”. Or something to that effect.

I know you’re probably saying, “Surely you must be exaggerating, right? I mean, you do seem to have a flair for the dramatic at times.” To which I say, “Hey! Not always! But touché.”

I’ll even give you an example of how I found out that my ducks are decoys because they’ve been running from squirrels for the last few years.

We always carve pumpkins on October 30. Is this a tradition you ask? And I would tell you that it is not. Usually it stems from me realizing that “Dammit! Halloween is tomorrow and we didn’t carve the freaking pumpkins!” followed by the frenetic process known as our house’s annual carving of the pumpkins.

I vowed that this year would be different. We would carve the Saturday before Halloween and be ahead of the game for once. This would be perfect as it would be a few days before Halloween but not so long that they’d be rotting and melting off the steps by the 31^st. The timing was made even more prefect since it was unseasonably warm over the last week which would have sped up the liquefaction process considerably.

What’s that saying? The road to hell is pave with good intentions and rabid ducks? Something like that at least. All I know is that I didn’t account for a stubborn printer that hasn’t been re-connected to the new Wi-Fi. Was this a misstep on my part? Yes. Should I have taken care of this previously? Also yes. Are you scratching your head trying to figure out the leap from no pumpkin carving to unconnected printers? Patience my friend. I’m weaving this web of story with delightfully detailed threads.

Uh, where was I? Oh right.

Now, at the risk of sounding like the old lady that I am very rapidly turning into, I’ll say that “back in my day” we used to freehand carve those fat orange gourds. We would mangle the hell out of them and then proudly place them on the porch to be lit and viewed by the entire neighborhood. Nowadays though, people use templates to carve intricate designs.

I will sheepishly admit that those intricately carved masterpieces were a large part of our Halloweens past, but the boys have decided that they want easier designs. Thus, we search the interweb for free printable templates. Now you see the connection? That’s right. The entire plan was thwarted by a printer that refused to connect to the wifi and had to be connected to the computer, with a cord that I know that I still have somewhere in my house but was unable to find. My husband eventually took pity on me and bought a new cord but the printer still resisted my attempts and by the time it was finally up and running, carving pumpkins was the last thing on my list.

And many of you may be saying, “But this was Saturday, so wouldn’t you have been able to carve them on Sunday?” Well, in a normal house, this would be true. But in our house, football is a religion that must be worshipped fastidiously every week. Not to mention that Sundays are only like 2 hours and 43 minutes long before Monday takes over. I’m not exaggerating. A slow blink could cause you to miss Sunday altogether. It’s a tragedy that we working shlubs have yet to be able to figure out. One minute you’re enjoying a day off and the next your alarm is screaming at you to get up and start the whole week over again.

So there you have it. That is my sad sack story as to why my ducks have run off screaming as they’re being chased by Mike Myers. I really wish there was a cooler story. Maybe an alien abduction. Winning the lottery and having to drive to the acceptance headquarters. Or even entering a cupcake eating contest. (Mmmm, cupcakes.) Anything would be better than accepting that I can’t seem to get out of my own way to keep my schedule intact.

 

 

 

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