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I saw a video montage with beautiful autumn trees with the caption “Happy September Eve”. I’m not going to lie; it made me a little sad.
For some odd reason, I seem to cocoon
myself in an autumnal blanket of denial once we hit the final week of August.
Yeah, yeah, technically there are still three weeks until fall moves in
for real, but everyone knows that the unofficial start of fall is Labor Day.
That’s the official end of magical summer vacations and (thankfully) tourist season. (Unless
you happen to live somewhere with “fall foliage”, then you’re blessed with another
6-8 weeks of “leaf peepers”. Eye roll.)
Ironically, autumn has my second
favorite seasonal decorations. (Sorry, they will never dethrone the twinkling
lights and glittery garland of Diva December.) The reds and oranges and pumpkins
and fall y’all puns just bring a twinkle to my eye. If you add a candle that
smells like apples or pumpkins, it brings that eye twinkle to a full-fledged
sparkle.
I do truly enjoy the 2 weeks of
fall weather we get, in between false fall, Indian Summer, and First Winter.
There are so many awesome autumnal features. Like apple picking and crunchy
leaves, cozy sweaters and s’mores, football and comfort food…but it’s a quick
and slippery slope and then bam! True winter pops in and makes me fervently
miss the joy of summer sunsets at 9 pm instead of 4 pm and popsicles that I eat
instead of the ones in my gloves.
To make matters worse, the internet
is rubbing it in too. I saw a post last week that said “today is the last 8:00 sunset until
April” and I was like ‘Whyyyyyy do you need to point this out?” Please just let
me live in this lemonade dream, this sunscreen smelling fantasy just a little
longer. I need a porch sit with warm weather and the soundtrack of lawn mowing in
the neighborhood…the smell of fresh cut grass layered with the smell of bug spray
and/or citronella.
(SUMMER! The musical. Coming soon
to a theater near you!)
Maybe to put myself in the right frame
of mind I need to think of all the summer things that aggravate me. Maybe that
will help me welcome fall with open arms.
Um, let’s see.
Bugs! I really, really hate bugs.
They are annoying, bitey, and creepy. For some reason they are unfazed that a
giant 4,000 times their size just slapped them down with a hand the size of a planet
and come right back to fly in your face. How the hell do they defy the law of
physics? Or whatever law they are currently breaking. (Personally, I have an
arrest warrant out on a fruit fly who has managed to stay alive and in my
vicinity for longer than 3 seconds, which frankly, is extremely rude.)
Ok, ok this is good. What else?
Motorcycles. Those damn things are
so annoying when they scream by on the road. The worst is when you get a herd
of motorcycles, and the noise lasts for what seems like an eternity. And I am
not sure why motorcycles seem like they are 200 times louder than they were
when I was a kid. Either my old age is starting to show, or the motorcycle people
are doing it on purpose. Either way, I am not a fan.
Yes, just like that! Summer is starting
to get on my nerves. One more might just tip it over the edge. What else do we
have?
Plus, I get the whole summer off
from making my kids lunches or worrying about spirit week…. abort! Abort! This
is the wrong direction. Turn around immediately.
I’m ready to stop worrying about
how cute my toenails look in my open-toed sandals. Let’s face it, it’s just
another chore, and one that I don’t have when I get to cover my feet with socks.
I am allowed to have ugly toes in the winter because no one other than my husband
and my shower get to see them. So far neither one has run screaming from the
room at the sight of them, so I think they’re probably only mildly ugly.
You know what? Now that I think about it, eff you summer! Drag it. And take your sun soaked, watermelon sweet, beach holiday bliss with you.
I’m just kidding baby. Come back. I
didn’t mean any of it, I promise.
Need more mayhem? Look for me on
FaceBook at Modern Mom Mayhem.
Occasionally I remember to Insta’mayhem
(@modernmommayhem)
Or you can send
an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com.
