You're Not the Boss of Me Alexa!

    Ok, we’ve established that I’m a gal who likes a handy gadget. It’s also been previously determined that I have an unhealthy Alexa obsession. (Although, in my defense, it’s more of a convenience obsession.)

                Apparently, Alexa, or  I guess Amazon, has decided to test my limits this week. Or rather, I decided to test my own limits. Completely by accident. Let me back up and set the scene.

                It was an ordinary Wednesday night, Thanksgiving Eve to be exact, when I noticed the Echo dot in the family room was disconnected from the internet.

                How did I find this out you ask? She told me. (She’s good like that.)

                So there I am, reconnecting her to the internet, and trying to figure out how to get people to stop pushing the couch too far back and muting her, when it happened.

                I accidentally upgraded to the new Alexa version.

                Now I knew that there was an upgraded version available to try for at least a few weeks. And I knew this because on the Echo show in the kitchen, she popped up multiple screens that were designed to make me take the bait. Oh, but I wasn’t falling for that nonsense. Not even when the screen said, “Alexa, let me hear your new voice” and my curiosity was killing a dozen cats. I was determined to keep my normal O.G. Alexa.

                The problem is, I don’t think new devices are being given the option. They are automatically defaulting to the new AI assistant, which is what happens when you are part of the resistance for as long as I was. When the echo dot had to be reconnected, it apparently decided that it was a new device, even though it’ s been in that room for approximately two and a half years. And it wouldn’t have been that bad if it had just upgraded that one device. After all, I use the kitchen one the most and the others are basically just the speaker network for when I want to play music throughout the house. But noooo, this one stupid reconnection upgraded ALL THE ALEXAS.

                Since I was pulled into the new version unwillingly, I figured maybe I’d give it a chance and see if it was better than the original program. I can accept change. I’m groovy and hip. (Just by saying that, you can obviously see that’s true.)

                That is a lie. I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!!! Unless it’s in the form of paper currency or coins, I detest change. Like many humans before me, and like many generations to follow, any change that is not self-initiated will be the bane of my existence. I will be forced to lament this new abhorrent status with copious amounts of whining and complaints. There will be no reprieve until I grudgingly accept that this is the new norm and that I must make peace, or in the very least, stop bitching about it.

                You may be wondering what, specifically, about the new version is so heinous. And even if you’re not, I shall tell you, with the highest level of disgust dripping from my voice, as this is the height of all digital assistance treachery.

                For starters, they changed her voice. HER VOICE! When I automatically complained to her about this, I was informed that there were 4 female voice options and 4 male voice options.

                I’m sorry, excuse me? Alexa’s voice has always been feminine. At the risk of sounding a little sexist here, you can’t just change Alexa to Alex and think I won’t notice.

                I’d like to say that I listened to all 8 choices but alas, I demanded that she immediately change back to her classic Alexa voice. (Which, if you’re wondering, is “Feminine 2, like pulling on an old, comfortable sweater”.)

                And even though the upgrade was instantaneous among all the devices, changing the voice type has to be done on each individual device. What kind of horse shittery is this?

                If that wasn’t bad enough, evidently, they have made her chattier for some reason. I asked, “Alexa, what is the daily recommended ounces of water an adult should drink.” And after she answered the question, she asked ME a question. “What are some ways that you can stay hydrated?” And me, being a smart ass, said “Drink water.” (Snicker) “Yes, that’s a good way to stay hydrated. And then she asked ANOTHER QUESTION. 

Wait, what is going on here? I don’t need more inane conversations in my life thanks. Please stick to just answering the questions. She agreed to be less conversational, but I haven’t tested that out yet. Partly because I don’t have a questions, and partly because I’m not in the mood for her digital sass.

            So if you see me arguing with my toaster, it’s because it has unfairly sided with Alexa and I am trying to get it to see my side. Either that or it burned my toast again. Damn toaster.
 
               
 
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