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Dear Son: My
Advice for Leaving the Nest
Dearest Son,
It seems like just yesterday that I was a brand new paranoid
mom, terrified of scarring you emotionally because you choked the first time I
gave you your liquid vitamins. You cried for a minute. I cried for two hours.
Yet now the years have passed swiftly and I find myself trying to find the
words to prepare you for braving life in the OUTSIDE WORLD. Yes, it’s so scary
that it is worthy of all caps. Luckily for you, I’m organized enough that I
have compiled this handy, dandy guide for you. I think I’ll call it “My Advice
For Leaving The Nest And Leaving Your Mother Stressed And Worried That You Can
Function Outside The Bosom Of Her Loving Embrace” (Or MAFLTNALYMSAWTYCFOTBOHLE
for short.)
Remember who you
represent. This means me. And your father. (Uhh, actually I’m vividly
remembering occasions you and your father high fived over fart noises and ball
to the groin videos so, just me.) Your actions will reflect on your upbringing.
They will reflect the morals and guidelines we’ve (tried) to instill in your
character. So don’t be an idiot and make me look bad! Because I do know that we
succeeded in making a halfway decent human being out of you and I’d hate to
think a bunch of mischievous frat boys undoing all of that hard work. So before
you participate in any questionable behavior, ask yourself one thing first:
“Would my mom smack me upside the head over this?” If the answer is yes,
quickly head back to your dorm room. Commence studying A.S.A.P.
Don’t get TOO much
experience. Yeah, I know that college is the time where you will accumulate
those stories that will shock me 20 years from now at some family function
where you and your cousins try to outdo each other with who had the craziest
antics in college. Please keep in mind that jail doesn’t have to be included in
this collection of “This one time” anthology you’re building. Also, consider
that if these are the experiences that shape you as a person that being a
professional convict probably isn’t as exciting as say, a highly respected,
productive and functioning member of society (without a criminal record) would
be. Also, no matter how old you are, I reserve the right for the aforementioned
maternal head smack of shame.
Humor is subjective.
Remember how happy I was to have at least one of my children that got my same
twisted, dry, satirical sense of humor? Well, kid, I can tell you from
experience that we’re in the minority and that most people don’t understand
when you’re joking with them. (I don’t know why people want to be so serious
all the time but they do. It’s an epidemic.) So unless you’re trying to offend
people, it’s best only to pull out the dirty knock, knock jokes once they
realize you’re not a FREAK!!!, just a freak. That also goes for Nicolas Cage
impersonations, Weird Al Yankovich song lyrics, and punny jokes. Actually, I
take that back. Keep the puns. They’re just bad enough to be good.
Remember to crack a
book once in a while. Yes, you’re naturally smart and pretty darn amazing,
but then again, I’m biased and this is the real world. You should probably put
some effort into your classes (You know, actually, study?) and remember that
unlike high school, this education isn’t free. And that I’m not above guilting
you into doing well in school by reminding you who’s paying for it.
Call your mother.
I know it’s not “cool”. If you need to, you can call at 6:30 in the morning
before everyone wakes up from their hangovers. You, my precocious child, will
obviously be awake and sober because you know how disappointed your mother
would be otherwise. (Plus, the fear of the shameful maternal head smacking that
could commence at any moment.) Use that time wisely and call me to tell me all
the fascinating aspects of college life so that I may live vicariously through
you and feel like I’m not old enough to have a college aged kid. Because I’m
pretty sure I’m only 19 and not old enough to have a kid as old as I am.
Remember the birds
and the bees talk. I’d prefer you remember the “Abstinence is Best” talk,
but I’m not hopeful, not delusional. That being said, consider that condoms
protect YOU as much as they protect her. I think Madonna said it best when she
said, “Don’t be stupid, don’t be silly, put a rubber on that willy.” I want you
to get out and meet new people, just not at the STD Clinic. Oops, that’s not PC
anymore. I mean, the STI Clinic.
Wear clean underwear.
Shower (daily). Brush your teeth. Pick up your clothes. Do your laundry.
(Basically, don’t stink. I was trying for tact but I’d rather you don’t smell.
Sorry.) All those things that I nag you about now that I won’t be there for
while you’re doing your fancy book learning.
And while I’m in the Mom Nag Mode: Get at least 6 hours of sleep
every night. Eat balanced meals. (Cool Ranch Doritos, orange soda, and a cookie
do not constitute a balanced meal.) Exercise. Smile. Be polite and respect your
elders. Did I miss anything? Oh, yeah, and don’t make me use the “Disapproving
Mom Glare of Death”. Just because I’ve been practicing, doesn’t mean I want to
use it. (Okay, so I DO want to use it. Just once. To see if it works. But I’ll
practice on your siblings. Don’t feel like you need to earn The Look yourself.)
YouTube is not a
valid research tool. No, I don’t care what that modern, hip professor said.
Go to the library. Find something called a “BOOK”. It’s archaic, I know. Better
yet, find something called an “ENCYCLOPEDIA”. It’s like Wikipedia but less
digital. Yet still very cool. It has pictures AND words. Okay, you can still
use the internet for some sources. Just promise me you won’t forget about the
library. It’s like the Swiss army knife of information. Versatile yet
functional. Practical yet cool. No, I’m not making this up. Stop snickering.
It’s 100% true.
Take at least one
class outside your comfort zone. Maybe something practical, like cooking.
When you come home on break I’ll let you practice your fledgling skills. No,
I’m not just trying to get an entire blissful week off from cooking. Geez.
Remember to feed your
soul. I know, I sound like a true
old timer now, not the hip and ultra-modern mother that I usually am, right?
Well, sometimes wisdom comes at a very young and still really cool age. And that wisdom wants me to remind you that
it never hurts to hold the door for someone or smile at a fellow student.
Appreciate the small things and always look on the bright side. The glass is
always full, whether it’s liquid, air, or NON ALCHOLIC BECAUSE YOU’RE STILL
UNDERAGE drinks.
And one last thing…….
Remember that your family is proud of you and we love you.
On that extremely sappy note, like all the cool kids say, peace out. (What do
you mean they don’t say that?)
Love,
Your Mother
Well said Shauna.....sniff, sniff
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