I Said Reading is Fun Dammit!

Most parents know that their upgraded status comes with many hats. Chauffeur, chef, personal trainer, dictator.....but what they might not have realized, especially if their children haven't reached school age yet, is that they also get to be the reading Nazi.

It starts as soon as they they're in utero. Ok, ok, that's not true. Probably not until kindergarten. And they probably wait until you can read small worlds like cat, dog, and encyclopedia. As soon as those milestones are achieved, however, all bets are off.

Out comes the torturous "mandatory reading". Yes, these teachers must know that parents needed another thing for our kids to piss and moan about and therefore they added the nightly assignment of reading for 15 minutes. (Third grade is now twenty minutes!) Since I have to sign his planner every night and since I'm trying to bring him up with a modicum of ethics and morals, I cannot sign this until he has actually completed his reading. You'd think I just asked him to shove toothpicks under his fingernails judging by his reaction.

When I was his age (just a few short years ago!), we had a program called "Reading Is Fundamental" or R.I.F. for short. (Somehow, the -damental part got left off and we were just told "Reading is FUN!") It was always a great day where we got to go to the library and pick out a FREE book! Being the nerdlet that I was (am), I LOVED when R.I.F. day came around. To this day, I adore escaping into the pages of a book. So this is why I don't understand my children who don't enjoy reading. (So far I have one reader, one non-reader, and one who used to like to read until he found out he could probably find an app for that on his phone instead.)

See what they did there? It's FUN-damental!

My kids don't have R.I.F. Instead they have P.A.R.P. which stands for Parents As Reading Partners or Parents Are Really Punished, I'm not sure which. Every March they force us, I mean encourage us, to read with our children. Now, as I said, I enjoy reading. Except when you make me read with a sullen eight year old who wishes a wormhole would just appear and swallow his mean old mother who wants him to READ A BOOK! (The horror!) And even though they tell you reading to your child will give them an appreciation for books, this is not always the case. I cross my fingers that I am creating lifelong bookworms not only by taping a book to their hands every night (Ok, slight exaggeration, I'm out of duct tape right now.) but also by example when I have my nose shoved into my kindle or a library book.

So, for a few years now, we've had the hemming and hawing over the nightly reading assignment. This year we had his open house and the reading teacher stressed the importance of reading comprehension. Just reading for 20 minutes every night isn't enough, now we have to make sure they are at their reading level and understanding what they're reading. We should ask questions about the plot, the main characters, and whatnot. Wait, not only do I have to be the book warden, but now I have to quiz him? What's next? A book report? A three page term paper? At the risk of sounding old, I have to say, 'Back in my day, we just had to be able to read, they didn't care if we understood or not. Back then they told us reading was fun and we believed them!"

So every night when I see his planner open on the table, awaiting my signature, I know I'll have to ask the dreaded question.

"Did you do your reading?"

When I get the inevitable sigh/eye roll combination I"ll just yell, "Reading is fun dammit, now find a book! And you better be able to answer the five question quiz I've prepared for you!"

No pressure, but if they don't read they'll live in a van down by the river.