I'm Not Dead Yet (But Apparently I'm Close)

I've never been one of those people who obsess about their age. Well, not since I've hit the "big three" at least. (16, 18, 21) After you're legal to drink, the next exciting age is retirement and considering they keep moving that age farther and farther out of sight like a carrot dangling in front of a jackass...best not get me started on that topic right now. That's a blog for a different day.

So anyway, yeah, birthdays are a big freaking deal in my house. Even the dog gets a "cake" (A.K.A. a wet dog food instead of the usual boring pellets). So with the big 4-0 looming on the horizon for my husband and I, we know we are both going to be hitting an important milestone soon. (The one where we are apparently over that hill we've been sitting on for 39 years. Talk about indecisive!) With this in mind, when I came across an article titled "40 Things No One Tells You About Turning 40", I thought it was a perfect time to study up on what's in store for me.

It starts off benign enough: Your circle of friends get smaller. You'll get gray hair. (Which I technically don't think qualifies for this list because people gray at different rates. It's not like you turn 40 and poof! Magically your gray hair appears.) But as the article goes on, it gets a little more depressing.

• Your back will hurt. 
• You won't budge on core beliefs. 
• You don't get embarrassed anymore.
• "Wrinkles blindside you." 
• "Junk food hits you like a ton of bricks."
• Sleep is your biggest priority.
• You don't care about being alone.
• You have less inhibitions.
• You get hangovers easier.
• There are vitamins and supplements for everything.
• Your joints make noise, you can't lose weight easily, you have multiple creams for your body.
• People you know begin to grapple with serious health issues. 
• People think you're incompetent, glasses become necessary, forgetfulness is a new worry.

I'm only 2/3 of the way through this article and I feel like 40 is the new 70. I was feeling pretty good about my age but now I realized that this year is my last golden year before I completely start falling apart. I'll have no friends and no inhibitions. I'll be popping supplements to stave off old age's forgetfulness. I'll have to start buying hair dye in bulk because now I have to worry about gray hairs. I'll be a wrinkled mess (probably what some of those body creams are for I'm guessing) and I can't enjoy junk food and alcohol now because of how easily I get a hangover and how hard it is to lose weight.

At this point, I'm wondering if I even want to know that last few things I was never told about turning 40. Maybe I don't really need to know. I mean, I've gone 39 years without knowing and it doesn't seem to be hurting me thus far. (Although, maybe this is because I'm not 40 yet??)

Bravely I continue on and now see that I will also fear going to the doctor's office and I'll have a barrage of new tests that will come with these appointments. (Because I'm older than dirt at 40 remember.)

But wait! There's more! If you order now, you can also get this:

• You might not be able to get back up once you bend over!
• Your sex life will "slow down" but what you lack in quantity will be made up by the quality. (Maybe because of the long dry spells?!?!?)
• You won't recognize those famous faces on the supermarket tabloids (possibly from the memory loss) and people will now start to sir and ma'am you. (HA! This happened 15 years ago so shove that in your pipe and smoke it article!)
• You start thinking seriously about retirement. (Oh come on, who doesn't think about it?)
• Your priorities shift and you don't worry about small stuff.

Okay, so let me summarize. I'm gray, everything hurts, I speak my mind, and I take more pills than a hypochondriac with access to a medical dictionary. I'm wrinkled and fat and I can't enjoy alcohol or junk food because I'm old and fat. But that's okay because I won't remember that I'm old and fat due to the memory problems, of which will also come in handy on helping me forget my lame sex life and the fact that I don't know any current celebrities in my ancient age.

After reading this article, I derided it so hard that I'm pretty sure I broke my scoffing bone. (Or at the very least sprained it.) It was all yuks and chuckles until, wait, is that a gray hair on my head? Let me get up and go see in the mirror. (cue cracking knee sounds and aching back) Gasp! OMG, it's coming true before my very eyes! But I'm not ready to be an old lady yet! There's so much I still wanted to accomplish!

Le sob, le sob!

So now that I have one foot in the grave, I realize that I was very unprepared to turn 40! I need to find an article on 'How to Cope with Reading Disturbing Articles About Turning 40 That Will Simultaneously Scar You and Make You Feel Inadequate". Is that article out there? Because I feel like that one might be a little more appropriate at this point.

(To read the article for yourself, here is the link: https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/40-things-no-one-tells-you-about-turning-40/ss-BBLlEbL?ocid=se)



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