It's Not Really That Cold Out But I'm Still Leaving

Apparently the "people" who seriously need to get a hobby aren't happy until they spoil everything we love. This time they've set their sights on a beloved tradition: Christmas carols. Because we can't have nice things anymore, now old holiday songs are being scrutinized for appropriateness. If you haven't been living under a rock, you know I am referring to the "Baby It's Cold Outside Scandal of 2018".

First let me take a brief detour before I get to my point. Why is it that Bruno Mars can ply a women with diamonds and champagne just to have sex by the fire, literally his intentions are spelled out in the song, but God Forbid Dean Martin wants to cuddle during a snowstorm and tries to convince his lady to stay inside with another glass of wine! Why is that one date rape but the other is A-OK? Not to mention the number of songs on the radio nowadays that explicitly talk about performing oral sex, call women derogatory names or talk about killing people. Those songs are perfectly fine but we need to pull apart our traditional classic carols?

So back to my point. Since everyone and everything is suddenly offensive, it's only a matter of time before the rest of our revered traditional Christmas music is picked apart by the grumpy forty year old trolls that still live in their parent's basement. It's probably a good idea to get ahead of this now. So let's be proactive, shall we?

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Apparently there have already been mutterings that this song encourages bullying so I'm pretty sure this one's days are numbered. But before this song makes the ban list, has no one considered that it celebrates the uniqueness that is a reindeer vastly different than his peers? With all the "inclusivity" being touted, how is this not worth a second chance? Yeah, people, uh, reindeer, are cruel and don't understand Rudolph's big ol' red honker, but Santa sees the beauty in him and that's the take home at the end of the day, right?

We Wish You a Merry Christmas. Well this one is obvious: It excludes all of those people who do not celebrate this specific holiday. We can't have a song that is this dismissive of other faiths and cultures. Heathens! Immediately we should change it to "We Wish You a Merry Christkwanzakkah".

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas. How racist can we get people? I mean a white Christmas? Was this written by the Ku Klux Klan themselves? (Quick side note, who the hell came up with the KKK? Clearly hooked on phonics did not work for them.) Not to mention that we are back to the exclusion  thing with Christmas. Henceforth we shall re-title this song to "I'm Dreaming of a Racially Diverse Holiday".

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. If Baby It's Cold Outside stirred up controversy I can only imagine how well this one would go over. First, both mommy AND Santa are clearly cheating on their spouses. Beyond that, it could cause childhood trauma for that kid to witness said adultry. By the way, was this agreed upon by both parties? How do we know that Mommy didn't roofie Santa's milk, hmm? This one will now have to go by "I Saw Mommy and Santa Claus Engaging in a Mutual Reciprocated Act of Affectionate Behavior Not Condoned by Anyone Who Believes in the Sanctity of the Marriage Bond". Also accepted: "Hey, Who Knew Mommy and Santa Clause Were Both Swingers?"

Holly Jolly Christmas. With the influx of awareness on depression and the increased rate of depression during the holidays, this just seems like a mockery of those who may suffer from mental illnesses. Plus, who are you to tell me how to enjoy (or not enjoy) my holidays? We are going to have to change this one to: A Seasonal Appropriate Holiday Celebration Where You Are Not Entitled to be Jolly, Unless You Want to Be".

Walking in a Winter Wonderland. This is extremely offensive to people who suffer from disabilities and are unable to walk. How insensitive can you be? My God. Not to mention that it's clearly only intended for people who live in climates conducive to snow. Now it's exclusive AND offensive. This song clearly won't make the cut the way that it is. From this point on we will now all refer to this song as "Transporting Yourself in a Winter Landscape Suitable For Your Geographic Location".

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. This promotes senicide, alcoholism, and mixing medication with alcholic beverages. (A big no-no!) Sure, Grandma may be entitled to a cocktail or twelve after living through the great depression and two world wars, but like every other family in America we hide it with vague stores of possible dementia and put it down to her advanced age. We don't flaunt the fact that Grandma is a floozy who can't hold her liquor. And what kind of family is okay with letting grandma go out into that good night, snockered and imbalanced? Was there no one sober to drive grammy home? Couldn't she call an Uber? (Well, back then, a taxi.) Also, this is libel against Santa's good name. What kind of Fictional Fat Man isn't responsible enough to fly a heavy sleigh pulled by flying magic reindeer? I'm sorry, this one will just have to go. Immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

And last but not least, the one that started it all: Baby, It's Cold Outside". Ok,we all know they are saying that this promotes date rape culture. I disagree, not just because I don't think it's okay to look for sinister intentions in cherished Christmas carols, but because it's just not realistic. If it were, it'd be called, "It's Not That Cold Outside But I Haven't Shaved my Legs in a Week, I'm Bloated, and I Just Want to Binge Watch Netflix and Eat Ice Cream Tonight So Adios Amigo".

Listen people, the moral of the story is this: You can find a reason to make something out of nothing for everything if you try hard enough. My question is: Why do we have to try hard enough? Why do we have to crap over everything good and wholesome just because we can? Shouldn't some things be sacred? Here, let's just have some of this very spiked eggnog (I think Grandma made it) and sit here by this cozy fire where the stocking are hung with such precision and care. Would you like a cookie? They are NOT upside down J's, just stockings, so no worries that I'm secretly converting you to Judaism.




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