I Don't Want to Grow Up (But Unfortunately I Did)

Remember when you were a kid and you were always in a big rush to grow up? Your parents would tell you not to be in such a hurry, that these were the “best years of your life” and you’d just shake your head because they were old and didn’t know what they were talking about. So you grew up. And realized, “Crap! They were right!”

Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely some perks to being “all growed up”. Like making my own bed time. (That’s right, no one tells me what time to go to bed! Not even my own body! Take that you old bag of bones!) I can eat cake for breakfast and there’s no one to tell me that I can’t. (Well, other than my metabolism, but she’s a rank old bitch. Never lets me have any fun anymore.) Still, even though there are some bonuses to adulting, I can’t help but feel like being a kid was 1,000 times better. 

Thus, I present to you my TOP FIVE REASONS WHY BEING A KID IS SO MUCH MORE AWESOME THAN GETTING YOUR GROWN UP ON:

5.) Bills and all the money type things.  Did I ever know what bills were when I was a kid? I don’t think I understood that concept until maybe middle school. Hell, I didn’t even know we were poor. Or what poor was. Not only do kids not have to know what bills are, they don’t have to pay ‘em either. In fact, I’m pretty sure most kids are oblivious to how that whole system works. The light switch turns the light on, the remote turns the TV on, the WiFi signal is strong, and the food is in the cupboard. How did it get there? Who knows? Now give me another cookie please. My metabolism is cranking over here and I need some fuel.

4.) Oh, and while we're on the subject of metabolism... Ahh, the days when I could stuff all the garbage foods in my face hole and somehow manage to lose a pound. Remember when a happy meal was your happy place? And that was before the people cracked down on the fast food standards. Back then it was mystery meat chicken, red dyes, and all the gluten, high fructose, and carbohydrates we could handle. Our childlike selves could wolf that down and follow it with whatever else our cast iron stomachs could want in life. These days I can’t eat McDonald's because if I so much as LOOK at something fried, my thighs swell up three pounds. Each. Not to mention that I’m an old lady now so it gives my stomach issues too.

3.) The vacation package was awesome. I really feel like I need to go back to my childhood just so that I could appreciate all my free time more. There was spring break, and winter break and Christmas break (I’m old so it was still Christmas break back then) and long, glorious summers filled with lazy days. It’s possible I’m romanticizing the heyday of my youth, but I doubt it. I’m not one to exaggerate much…(More than 40 times a day.) Now that I’m older, I still get vacations, although not as many. They certainly aren’t as fun filled OR lazy either. I get to be the one planning the vacations, packing, juggling finances and half a dozen other adult-y type boring things while my children have the audacity to reap what I have sown. You just wait my darlings. One day this will be you. Muah ha ha ha. Muah ha ha ha. Muah ha ha ha ha.

2.) Someone to “baby” you when you’re ill. Remember when you were sick and your mom or dad would pamper you? Let you lay on the couch and watch cartoons. Let you eat whatever foods you felt up to eating. Cover you up with a cozy blanket. Bring you tissues and medicine and ginger ale. Then you grow up and not only can you not afford to get sick since you have a household to run and a life to live, but then you feel guilty for using sick time to stay home from work and pamper yourself. (As much as you can consider being passed out in an over-the-counter drug induced healing quasi-coma to be “pampering”.) Getting sick becomes a giant time suck that just ends up leaving me pissed off and frustrated for not having the energy to get all the things done that refused to take a break while I was out of commission. (Can you believe that? The nerve.)

But probably the biggest reason why being an adult is super over rated and why I am one hundred times over it is:

1.) The meal plan was pre-planned. And free! If I had to choose the one most hated grown up job that I have, it’s cooking dinner. No one ever tells you how much you’ll hate being the one having to come up with different dinner options over and over and over….until you die. Or that it doesn’t matter what you want to cook, it depends on how much time you have to slap dinner together after work and (most importantly) what 8 foods that your pickiest child has deigned to eat. No one tells you that you’ll hoard cookbooks designed to help boost your creativity in the cooking arena but that you’ll never have time to actually read them so they sit on a shelf neglected until you die and your kids either take them or donate them to the thrift store. Kids have the benefit of just sitting down and eating without having the forethought or the agony of shopping, planning, or preparation. There’s a reason my number one lottery expense is to hire a cook. And maybe a masseuse. But most definitely a cook. (Or four. Just to cover my bases and all.)

So for all my fellow adults who use their kids as an excuse to hold onto their childhood a little longer and live vicariously through them, this one’s for you. May you wring just as much joy out of your second childhood as your first. Just not as much as your third which is when you’re a grandparent and can savor all the perks of your children’s children with half the calories and none of the guilt.

Need more mayhem? Find me on FaceBook (modern mom mayhem) or on that Instagram thingamajiggy (modernmommayhem).