Posts
Captain’s Log- Day 1: School has been cancelled for the next month.
College daughter has had spring break extended another week while they figure
out a plan. Being the OCD mom that I am,
of course I’ve made up a schedule to keep my kids on a routine and make sure
that they don’t fall behind in their schooling. Both husband and I are working
so we elected college girl to stand in as the substitute teacher.
Captain’s Log- Day 2: The kids seem to think this whole ordeal is
like an extra-long weekend. Twelve just asked if he could have a sleepover “during
the week”. Seemed annoyed when I said no. (May have been the incredulous look
that went with the response.) Not sure if I’m hoping to continue working or if
I could use a quarantine vacation too.
Captain’s Log- Day 4: Both husband and I have been deemed “essential”
by our employers. Had to cancel family vacation. Kids are bummed but they have
a month off from school why are they complaining? Dad and I on the other hand
could use a pitcher of margaritas and a week alone in a child-free zone in our
house. Too bad there aren’t any child free zones in our house.
Captain’s Log- Day 7: Six year old has decided that he doesn’t want
“fake school”, he wants “real school”. No interest in virtual meetings with
classmates and teacher. Father and I have started to put some more money away
for his therapy fund as there will probably be an additional nine months of “When
I was in quarantine…” stories.
Captain’s Log- Day 10: All three male species in my house are
starting to feel the loss of sports, both professional and school. Oh no, they’re
still watching ESPN all the time, but "it’s just not the same."
Captain’s Log- Day 12: School closure was just extended another
month. Both the kids and I are crying. (But only one of us is hiding in a
closet with wine and chocolate.) Why can’t they close it in 2 week intervals
instead if a month at a time? Do you know how daunting the prospect of another
4 weeks of home school is?
Captain’s Log- Day 14: Why does the college girl never seem to have any school work? #itsgoingtotakeamiracleforhertopass
Captain’s Log- Day 15: School is cancelled. Non-essential
businesses are closed. Two thirds of the work force is at home. Life has been
cancelled. Try again in 6 weeks.
Captain’s Log- Day 17: The substitute teacher has quit 3 times in
the last week. I told her she can run, but she can’t hide. Actually, she can’t
run either. We’re on lock down! Muah ha ha ha ha ha.
Captain’s Log- Day 20: All the talk lately is the stimulus check we
are getting. It would sure be nice to use that money towards a vacation….of all
the years that we need a vacation and the zombie apocalypse makes it so that we
can’t go anywhere. Guess I’m planning a rustic vacation to the living room with
a side trip through the family room.
Captain’s Log- Day 22: Florida re-opened the beaches. Mobs of
people flocked there. The Corona virus count spiked 1,400+ overnight. Not only
can you not fix stupid, apparently you can’t quarantine it, give it common
sense or smack the smart into it either.
Captain's Log- Day 23: I'm living in the movie "Groundhog Day".
Captain’s Log- Day 25: The kids are starting to get a little feral.
We’ve decided to treat them like puppies and tire them out as much as possible
in the evenings. Went great until the youngest had an accident on the rug. No
dog bones for him the rest of the evening!
Captain’s Log- Day 27: Woke up to F%$@ing snow on the ground. SNOW.
ON. THE. GROUND. We just finally started having nice weather so the kids could
murder each other outside instead of inside and now there’s snow. FFS.
Captain’s Log- Day 28: Still an essential employee. Just got my 47th
call about one of the kids being a d-bag to the teacher. Looking for Xanax on
the black market.
Captain’s Log- Day 30: The dog just asked me if we are ever leaving
the house again. Apparently we are interrupting her leisurely days of napping in
peace.
Captain’s Log- Day 33: I just saw an article about people
protesting about their civil rights being violated because the government is ordering
lockdowns and business closures. (I think they may have drank the same moron
juice as the Floridians.) How about those idiots are the ones violating MY
rights to breathe non-Corona virus air? Huh? This caused me to go on a rant
about how ignorant and selfish people can be and how they will be the reason
why we are still going through this bullshit for the next six months and if they had a kid who had respiratory issues maybe then they might get a f$%^ing clue. Husband
had to ply me with dark chocolate and ice cream to settle me down.
Captain’s Log- Day 34: Now the two boys have even more time to beat
each other up, argue about whose turn it is (for everything) and fart on each
other. Yay. Said no one in my house.
Captain’s Log- Day 37: Since School is still canceled, now we get
to teach our kids more than review material. Not only don't my students like me but I
think they suspect I’m having an affair with the principal.
Captain’s Log- Day 38: Alexa, homeschool the children.
Captain’s Log- Day 39: COVID-19 has cancelled TWO of my vacations
now. If you find me in a closet with photo albums from previous vacations, just stroke
my hair and tell me I’m pretty. Then back away slowly while throwing dark
chocolate Hershey kisses in my direction. Whatever you do, don’t act scared. I
can smell fear.
Captain’s Log- Day 42: Or is 43? 45? Who’s in charge of keeping
track of this crap? Whoever it is, you’re fired! What, it’s me? Then I’m fired!
And if you saw how badly I just did on my son’s math test last week, you wouldn’t
argue with me.
Captain’s Log- Day 46 (possibly?): Is it acceptable to have margaritas
at my desk in the office? Asking for a friend.
Captain’s Log- Day 49 (ish): SCHOOL IS CLOSED FOR THE REST OF THE
YEAR. LORD JESUS, PLEASE MAKE THIS VIRUS GO AWAY! OR SEND MORE VODKA. WHICHEVER IS EASIEST.
Captain’s Log- Day Two hunnert eleventy niner eighty: Shur haven’t
drunked this morning at all, why ya ashking? No, you shlurring my wordsh! That’s
juss rude.
