America Needs to Swipe Left

Well, it’s another election year, and while I am the last person who usually knows anything about politics, I find myself unable to stay quiet on the debacle that our Presidential process has turned into.

                I feel like this is a lifetime movie where the young, jaded divorcee is trying dating apps. But not the good dating apps, the really terrible ones.  Where the potential suitors (candidates) have too much spray tan and are actually 20 years older than their profile pic. They chat you up, saying all the right buzz words, and then after months of thinking you’ve found the one, agree to meet in person, and then you find out that you’ve been catfished.

                Swipe left America.

                It’s mind boggling to me, that in a country with 341 million people, that our best candidates are great grandpa, napping in his recliner at the family potluck, and his younger con-man brother who’s on the back porch trying to scam your second cousin into a sketchy timeshare. Both have one foot in the grave and the other foot in dementia. Which brings me to my next question. Why aren’t there age limitations on the president? We won’t allow anyone younger than 35 but you can be 5 minutes away from death and still qualify for a good ole campaign run? I agree that we are in desperate need of term limits, but we also need to give serious consideration to the age at election. If you are eligible for social security, maybe you should stay home and watch reruns of Mash. That’s all I’m saying.

                Please, don’t get it twisted. I’m not an ageist. Until it comes to the person we are giving access to the big, red war button. Then yeah, I really want someone who doesn’t have age related hand shakes. Call me crazy, but I’d feel a lot better about a president with a cool head and calm hands. It’s not even asking that much. I am not asking for a rocket scientist to run the country. (Although, maybe we should have some educational requirements. This is, after all, like the biggest job that one person could ever have. Managing an entire country. Responsible for its entire military system. I mean, uh yeah, kind of a super huge deal.)

Wait, I’m getting off topic again.

                But even if we discount the age factor, we definitely should not discount criminal activity. If you ever have, or are currently, facing federal indictment, that should disqualify you. Hell, if you’ve faced any indictment at all, have criminal charges on your record of any sort, or if you stole gum in the fifth grade…maybe we shouldn’t consider you trustworthy enough for this position. I don’t care if you’re the Pope or God himself. If we can tie nefarious, treasonous, or downright illegal acts to your person, you’re out of here. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. We are in serious debt and cannot afford it anyway. Why this isn’t second nature anyway, I cannot fathom. I guess I can chalk this up to yet another sentence that I never thought I’d say. (Uh, or type.)  

                I guess America is the jaded divorcee. We have suffered through two bad marriages and we don’t really want to date anymore, but everyone keeps telling us that there are plenty of fish in the sea. (Which, quick side note, is a weird metaphor for relationships. Wouldn’t that be better advice if you were starving and someone stole the fish you caught? Anyhoo.) We keep trying to break up with these poor candidates but this dating app, I mean democratic process, doesn’t seem to want to work with us.

                Plus the app is buggy as hell and keeps crashing. Someone needs to put in a ticket with the developers.

 

For those who practice the Pagan Rabbit Holiday:

 Happy Easter to my Peeps. (See what I did there?)

 

 

 

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