Thursday, August 14, 2014

I Am a Self Proclaimed Expert of Garage Sales

So last week a nearby town did their town wide garage sale. This is fabulous for lazy people like myself who like to garage sale but don't want to search all over the place. I mean this is fabulous, for busy people like myself, who don't have time to search all over the place. Yes, that sounds better.

I have always been a bit of a garage sale snob. There. I said it. I freely admit that I have standards when it comes to pawing through unwanted junk. (Who doesn't?) With that being said, I have been inspired to write "Fabulous Tips For a Successful Garage Sale From a Self Proclaimed Expert". (Or FTFASGSFASPE for short.)

Tip # 1: Remember that this is used stuff. Price accordingly. There is nothing that I like better than looking at baby clothes. (Okay, well there probably is, but for the sake of this blog, let's say that this fact is 100% true.) I don't care if it's at GAP or a garage sale, there's cute clothes to be had. However, GAP can get away with charging an arm and a leg for an itty bitty baby onesie with their logo on it. (Hello consumer branding!) Once it has actually been worn a few times by your baby, it has greatly depreciated in value. Don't expect me to pay $1.00 for a scrap of cloth that has been worn and washed a few dozen times. I'm sorry if that makes you mad, but if it's any consolation, blame the economy. (The economy already has a bad rep and gets blamed for everything anyway.)

Tip #2: If you do sell clothes, don't sell stained, frayed, or faded crap.  Remember when I said I was a garage sale snob? This is where my snobbery begins to run rampant. Mostly because I can't believe anyone would have to be told this. I don't want to buy your kid's stained pants. I don't care if he only wore them twice before throwing up strained carrots all over them and you couldn't quite get the orange tint out. They're done, kaput, finito. One sale I went to had the nastiest clothes that I have ever seen. I was actually embarrassed to be seen at a garage sale. (Think about that for a minute.) So I scampered off quickly while her head was turned.

Tip #3: If I have to work for it, it better be some cheap ass stuff. If you're going to throw 4 dozen paperback books or DVDs into a rubber maid tote and make me pull every one out to see what is in there, you better be selling them for a quarter or two. I shouldn't have to sort your junk. That's your job. It says so in the garage sale handbook. Also, I'm really not in the mood to wade through 3 feet of clothes that are every size you can find. Organize that shit. I might even pay a quarter more for your thoughtfulness.

Tip #4: Don't hover. Don't car salesman me. Just let me browse in peace. Maybe you had a retail job in college and old habits die hard. Maybe you're a closet stalker, I don't know. That doesn't mean you can follow me around as I peruse your used goods and dismiss them. How am I supposed to feel alright about not wanting a tacky neon green fish vase, that you clearly didn't even want, with you breathing the same air as I am? Go sit in your appointed look out chair with your money box and wait for me to come to you.

Tip #5: Wash it. Scrub it. Polish it. Yeah I get that you're thinking, "Well, I'm getting rid of it so why should I put the work into cleaning it?" Because it's the decent thing to do? Because no one wants to buy a shirt that smells like your musty, dusty basement? Because you never quite cleaned up junior's dirt and sticky kid fungus from his toys before shoving them in a box in the attic? How about those reasons?

Tip #6: Have a free box. This is a great item to have for a few reasons. First, you'll give someone a thrill to maybe find something they want and/or need and get it for free. Second, you'll feel good about yourself if you can help someone with something they want/and or need. And the third and best reason, free makes stuff go away. If you're done hawking your wares and just want it to leave your space, writing FREE on it seems to make it more desirable.

Now that I have provided you with these invaluable gems of salesmanship expertise, go forth and sell. Maybe your garages and yards be empty at the end of the weekend, and your cash box be full.

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