People Who Deserve a Medal. (Or At Least A Paper Certificate)

So, my ever handy brain was churning this week (always dangerous) when I started thinking about the jobs that I am profoundly grateful not to have. Jobs so heinous, to either me personally or the world in general (mostly just to me personally), that I would gladly confine myself as a pencil pushing peon for the rest of my life just to avoid these occupations. And because I like to share, here's my top 5 list of awful jobs for your reading pleasure.

5.) Chamber Maid. I'm sure that this job probably doesn't offend a lot of people as much as it does me. I cleaned my bathroom today and I can't imagine doing it for a living. I know where the pee droplets and pubes came from on my toilet (Well, it's narrowed down to one of 4 suspects at least.) and I still thought scrubbing it was a gag worthy task. Not to mention that chamber maids have to change the bedding too. Now, at my house the worst I might find is a nasty snot streak on a pillow case or maybe a dried drool stain. Worst case scenario is the daughter had a bloody nose again, which only seems to occur at 2 am or when she's wearing a white shirt. That isn't necessarily the case at a hotel/motel though. Especially if it's one of those seedy rent by the hour types where skeevy spouses meet to have their affairs. (Huh, no, I don't watch too much television. I don't know where you got that idea.) The first time my boss told me to clean a room and there was a questionable stain on the bed spread I'd be all, "Hell no. I'm out."

A clean house is a sign of no internet connection.

4.) Proctologist. Imagine a job where every day had the potential to be shitty. Literally. Now, let me start by saying that I'm extremely grateful that there are people who obviously didn't have the same issue and actually became a proctologist. Because someone's gotta look at your ass and it's sure as heck not going to be me! Although, I guess the up side would be that you could tell everyone you work with a bunch of assholes and not be lying or exaggerating.

Did you hear about the depressed proctologist? He's been feeling down in the dumps.

3.) Bar Tender. Every night you get to go to work, listen to music, make people happy, and meet a lot of new people. Sounds like a dream job, right? Now fill in some details like: Every night you go to work from 7PM to 3 AM, listening to music so loud you can barely hear yourself think, make people happy by overcharging them for alcoholic drinks that are going to make them stupid somehow, and watch society at it's most inebriated. I mean finest. No, I meant inebriated. What other job can you watch people make decisions of questionable judgement that you are completely unable to prevent? It's a spectator sport of stupid decisions, whether it's drinking and driving or taking home that person who you probably wouldn't if you were sober, thereby causing a furtive walk of shame away from their place early the next morning when the alcohol haze wears off. Also, there's that stupid stigma about bartenders being like therapists because they hear it all. Yeah, I'm sure they enjoy that. I know I'd love to hear drunken ramblings, especially if they asked for my advice afterwards. Pass.

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra......

2.) Garbage Collector. I don't like things that smell bad. (I know, you're probably thinking how strange that is, right?) I don't like body odor, onions, garbage, or flatulence from dogs nor husbands in my house. So I think having a job where you get to collect people's stinky trash would be especially abhorrent. And what about the summer time heat? Can you picture the putrid funk being magnified by a ninety degree dry heat? Or even a damp heat whose antiperspirant has failed? That doesn't sound fun. And do you think the stink wears off and the workers come home smelling like the bottom of a garbage can? You know, the can that had a leak in the bag and you didn't find out until you took the bag out and the foul stench punched you in the face? And no one in your house can figure out what exactly leaked in the bottom of the can to make that smell that lingers ever so slightly even though you doused the can with half a gallon of bleach? Yeah, that one. 

Becoming a garbage man isn't hard, you just pick it up as you go along. But please refrain from the trash talking.

1.) Being a doctor or a nurse, especially in the ER. Any medical professional has my outright respect. Because they deal with every type of person out there, not to mention the mix of maladies that come with them. Not only do they see the clean, middle class woman with bronchitis, but they also see the 400 pound redneck who can't see his feet, doesn't wash them, and has a 4 inch gash that's infected and oozing all sorts of pretty colored liquids. (My stomach just rolled at writing that, can you picture me seeing this in 3D real life?) I'm squeamish, don't like needles much, and my gag reflex kicks into high gear at the words pus, blood, or exorcist-like-vomiting. That pretty much leaves me looking at my desk job with profound relief. At least the most harm to happen there is a paper cut. Yes, they might sting like heck but so long as no one's pouring lemon juice on them, I can make it through the day. 

What do you call a student who got C's all the way through med school? Hopefully not your doctor!

*All puns/jokes/one liners courtesy of googling and pasting. It happens more often than you know people.