The Mom's School Supply List

Every year there are long lists of supplies that my children HAVE to bring to school with them. So every year I am shopping the summer sales, trying to get the best deals on pens and index cards and glue sticks. Now that I have yet another exhausting marathon shopping spree completed, I want to know who's taking care of the Mom School Supply List. Oh yes, I have one. Here's what it contains:

1. Clean counters. Did you know that crumbs hide from anyone under the age of Mom? It's true. My kids are physically unable to see the crumbs scattered across the counter from their constant food shoveling while I'm slaving away on a hot computer at work. Once I leave said computer and make the trek home, the crumbs instantly become visible again, leaving me with the compulsive need to wipe the counters, the chairs, the table....basically anything the kids might have touched in the 8 hours I was away.

2. Peaceful lunch hours. I love my kids. Oodles even. But there's a lot to be said for a blissful hour with no ringing phones, fax machine chatter, television noises, or squabbling kids. One quiet, serene hour in which I can leisurely eat my lunch, maybe read a bit, or even contemplate my navel if I so desire. (Which I usually don't, but what if that's because I don't have uninterrupted contemplating time?) None of which is easy to do when I arrive home for my midday meal and I'm greeted at the door by a dozen "Mo-om!" tattles.

3. Smaller energy bills. Now that the kids are in school all day, I won't have a 7 year old standing in front of the fridge, with the door open of course, for large periods of time. (I'm not sure if he's wondering if new stuff appears by magic when he's not looking since he's always conspicuously absent when I need help putting groceries away or if he's just really indecisive and needs visual cues.) The TV won't be on in 3 different rooms (for two kids) and I won't have to shut off lights and appliances left on in every room in the house three times a day.

4. Sanity. Yes, I do have a little left. Not a lot. I do prize what's left though. You know how they say "pick your battles"? Well, no one told this to my kids. Or maybe someone did and they just don't care. Regardless, I have to referee at least a half dozen bickering squabbles a day. I can at least take solace in the fact that no one's punched the other one out. (But there were days when I came close!) Plus I think one of the parenting books says this builds character or conflict resolution abilities or some crap like that. So the upside to my asylum stay will be exceptionally talented arguers.

5. Control of the temperature again. The 7 year old likes to sit in front of the air conditioning, get cold, and then turn it off. This wouldn't be so bad if maybe a window or three were opened in its stead. Alas, nary a breeze is moving when I come home to a stifling hot, smelly house. (What does it smell like? Stale air, sweaty kids and dog farts! A body can't live like that!) Does it occur to the child to not sit in front of the AC unit? Not even a little bit. Or perhaps use a blanket or a sweater? Nope. Doesn't he know you can't leave adults and dogs in a hot house? Geez.

6. Guilt free eating. Why is it a kid can hear the crinkle of a food wrapper at fifty paces? I swear, there could be a snack cake sitting in the cupboard for 2 weeks, completely untouched with no interested takers, and the day I eat it I'll hear, "Oh, I wanted to have that." Or worse, if I'm trying to eat an entire smidgen of chocolate without wanting to share, I have to hide somewhere so they don't hear the unwrapping process. I'm now a secret chocolate consumer just because I'm stingy and don't want to share it with my kids. Which is bad, or so I'm always telling them at least. So I have to share. Which is why they need to be at school. So I can be selfish and not feel guilty about it.

At this point, getting just half of my list would be a bonus. Sanity doesn't even have to be one of them since I'm so close to empty anyway. I'd have to insist on the guilt free eating though. If I'm going to be crazy, at least I'll have the enjoyment of desserts.

Can I get an Amen?