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This month marks the 20th wedding anniversary for my husband and I. Or at least, according to the numbers. Personally, I’m not sure how we could have been married for 20 years when we are only in our late 20’s. The math doesn’t seem to be mathing.
While 20 years IS a celebratory
milestone, I’m honestly astonished that we have stuck it out for that many consecutive
years without punching each other in the forehead. (Some days were REAL close,
let me tell you.) And it’s not because we don’t love each other that has us
occasionally daydreaming about one foot “accidentally” making it into the way
of their walking path. Especially after listening to them snore for the 7, 298th
day in a row. (Yes, I DID do a quick calculation to make sure that was a
feasible number of days. And yes, it does seem way less than 19 7/8 years should
be.) It’s more often that two strong personalities are going to bump heads now
and again…and again…and again…. well, you get the picture.
I find it humorous when I see
people asking long married couples the secret to a long, happy marriage. Excuse
me, those are two separate marriages. It’s either long and you have learned how
to co-exist and be content, or you are newlyweds who are deliriously happy
because you haven’t had a 9pm fight, after a long day of dealing with toddlers
and life in general, about who clogged the bathroom sink. Honestly, the
argument is more about someone finally reaching their breaking point than the
sink, but it’s those types of moments that humble you real fast. They also make
you realize that Hollywood painted marriage as glamorous and easy when it’s
probably the hardest job that you’ll ever have, second only to attempting to
raise decent human beings in an increasingly cruel and harsh world.
I always find myself annoyed at the glib answers they give like “Never go to be angry with one another” or “Fall in love again every day”. These are sappy and unrealistic answers. First of all, you’re going to find yourself going to bed angry at least once during that long of a time span. We are human beings who will find that last straw and sometimes, it’s right before you’re going to bed. Sometimes, you might go to bed and find your mind wandering to that snippy comment that they made after dinner and although you brushed it off then, now that you think about it, that was a crappy thing to say. You work yourself up into an anger that your partner is blissfully unaware of in their slumber. Which is also rude. Why are they not anxious about all of the mysteries of the universe? Also, the ability to fall in love every day hinges on the fact that you don't know anything about them yet. Everything seems like a new adventure! Once you've heard them belch like a frat boy or have seen her bedhead scary morning face, there's no more "falling". If you love your spouse, you've accepted all of the things that make them unique. Falling in love implies a timeline without knowledge, urgency or sense and ain't nobody got time for that once you're a few years deep.
Plus, I find people who say they’ve
never had a fight or an argument with their partner to be fake. I’m sorry, I
do. You’re telling me that you’ve agreed 100% of the time with 100% of the crap
that they say, think and believe? Bullshit. People are raised differently, have
different customs and traditions, different opinions and beliefs, but you’re
telling me that you put yin and yang in a room and it was blissful every moment
of every day? You’ve agreed to every single hot topic button like money,
raising kids, holiday celebrations, and in-laws? Yeah, you might be selling it
but I’m not buying it.
Not to mention that you also have
to factor in the families. They have their own thoughts, opinions, celebrations
and beliefs. Add them to the mix and Noah's 3rd birthday party is a powder keg if Uncle Ken the vegan sits next to Uncle Arthur who somehow always seems to
smell like smoked meats. Or Aunt Sandra’s fervor for politics. Or Grandma’s stories
of how (racist, misogynist, un-inclusive) things were in her day. No, there are
a thousand and one ways that you and your partner can disagree. You’re
going to find one somehow.
If you want some real advice on the
longevity of marriage, let me give you some truths. <Hops up onto my soapbox>
The marriages that last are because
the people in them continue to choose their partner. Day after day, night after
night, they have committed themselves to this relationship. Through pregnancy meltdowns
and random arguments about whose turn it is to clean up the cat puke. Through
questionable sports fanship and lean money times, you know that this is your
person. Even on the days you contemplate choking them a little because they haven’t
replaced the toilet paper roll fir the 73rd time, you would choose
them again. Lasting marriages are all about finding the person whose annoying
qualities you can live with without ending up in a made for television drama
series or a Lifetime movie. Anyone who has been in the trenches and made it
through the other side will tell you that marriages take hard work and lots of
love. Those are the ones that you can believe.
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