If You Are What You Eat, I'm in Trouble

I can’t eat organic foods. I’d like to be one of those granola munching, yoga mat toting, all-natural-foods-are-the-only- thing-I-put-in-my-body types. But I can’t. Because I can’t afford it.

For some reason, organic food costs a lot more than its non-organic counterpart, something that is mind boggling to me. You mean to tell me that food, which has nothing done to it, costs more than the food that was sprayed with pesticides or used a chemical laden fertilizer? So, to go back to our natural, organic roots, we’re paying more? Ok, one more time. We pay more for less and less for more? I’m still not getting it.

Who knew grandma and grandpa were so hip?

Do you know what doesn’t cost more? Pre-packaged, over processed foods loaded with artificial this-es and that-ses that contain more fat than an entire season of The Biggest Loser contestants. Yep, all the really bad for you stuff is all us middle class working stiffs can afford. You know the saying, “You are what you eat”?  I’m in trouble because that means I am cheap, easy, and quick to heat.

Add other stumbling blocks like family size and parents who both work full time and this is a recipe for convenience food. Sure, I’m aware that those hot dogs are terrible for you and one day we’ll probably find out they cause cancer somehow. Unfortunately, right now, I have to make sure one kid is at soccer in a half an hour and a second one has to be at drama rehearsal. So that long, leisurely dinner with organic kale and steamed broccoli on the side is a distant dream. (More distant since none of my family would eat kale, organic or otherwise.) Plus, the hot dogs cost 1/3 of what it would cost to get enough steak to feed the same number of kids. Now, I know Math was never my strong suit, but even I can do this basic addition.

Even when I try to offer my kids healthier alternatives I can’t win. For example, if I bake cookies they won’t have all the preservatives and additives that the pre-packaged crap has, right? Sure. Except, you’re not really going to use that flour are you? It’s been bleached. And that white sugar? It’s also been bleached and I think there was even an article explaining how refined sugars cause cancer. Dammit people, I just wanted to bake some love in the form of chocolate chip cookies for my kids. Now I’m killing them with over-processed foods again. (Maybe this is the origin of the phrase “Killing them with kindness”.) And that milk I planned to give with those cookies? Well, you know it has a ton of hormones that they give to the cows, right?

So if I can’t afford organic I’ll have to settle for whatever I can afford that will fill my children’s stomachs while providing them with at least the basic nutrition to help them grow. (Even if those growths will one day have to be removed.) So we’ll just say until I win the lottery (or until someone generously donates to the “I’m tired of working so give me money for no reason” fund), it’s soccer night. That means dinner’s full of GMO’s, HMO’s, FBI’s, and CIA’s. Plus some ET’s, ESP’s and NCAA’s to boot.

The Mom's School Supply List

Every year there are long lists of supplies that my children HAVE to bring to school with them. So every year I am shopping the summer sales, trying to get the best deals on pens and index cards and glue sticks. Now that I have yet another exhausting marathon shopping spree completed, I want to know who's taking care of the Mom School Supply List. Oh yes, I have one. Here's what it contains:

1. Clean counters. Did you know that crumbs hide from anyone under the age of Mom? It's true. My kids are physically unable to see the crumbs scattered across the counter from their constant food shoveling while I'm slaving away on a hot computer at work. Once I leave said computer and make the trek home, the crumbs instantly become visible again, leaving me with the compulsive need to wipe the counters, the chairs, the table....basically anything the kids might have touched in the 8 hours I was away.

2. Peaceful lunch hours. I love my kids. Oodles even. But there's a lot to be said for a blissful hour with no ringing phones, fax machine chatter, television noises, or squabbling kids. One quiet, serene hour in which I can leisurely eat my lunch, maybe read a bit, or even contemplate my navel if I so desire. (Which I usually don't, but what if that's because I don't have uninterrupted contemplating time?) None of which is easy to do when I arrive home for my midday meal and I'm greeted at the door by a dozen "Mo-om!" tattles.

3. Smaller energy bills. Now that the kids are in school all day, I won't have a 7 year old standing in front of the fridge, with the door open of course, for large periods of time. (I'm not sure if he's wondering if new stuff appears by magic when he's not looking since he's always conspicuously absent when I need help putting groceries away or if he's just really indecisive and needs visual cues.) The TV won't be on in 3 different rooms (for two kids) and I won't have to shut off lights and appliances left on in every room in the house three times a day.

4. Sanity. Yes, I do have a little left. Not a lot. I do prize what's left though. You know how they say "pick your battles"? Well, no one told this to my kids. Or maybe someone did and they just don't care. Regardless, I have to referee at least a half dozen bickering squabbles a day. I can at least take solace in the fact that no one's punched the other one out. (But there were days when I came close!) Plus I think one of the parenting books says this builds character or conflict resolution abilities or some crap like that. So the upside to my asylum stay will be exceptionally talented arguers.

5. Control of the temperature again. The 7 year old likes to sit in front of the air conditioning, get cold, and then turn it off. This wouldn't be so bad if maybe a window or three were opened in its stead. Alas, nary a breeze is moving when I come home to a stifling hot, smelly house. (What does it smell like? Stale air, sweaty kids and dog farts! A body can't live like that!) Does it occur to the child to not sit in front of the AC unit? Not even a little bit. Or perhaps use a blanket or a sweater? Nope. Doesn't he know you can't leave adults and dogs in a hot house? Geez.

6. Guilt free eating. Why is it a kid can hear the crinkle of a food wrapper at fifty paces? I swear, there could be a snack cake sitting in the cupboard for 2 weeks, completely untouched with no interested takers, and the day I eat it I'll hear, "Oh, I wanted to have that." Or worse, if I'm trying to eat an entire smidgen of chocolate without wanting to share, I have to hide somewhere so they don't hear the unwrapping process. I'm now a secret chocolate consumer just because I'm stingy and don't want to share it with my kids. Which is bad, or so I'm always telling them at least. So I have to share. Which is why they need to be at school. So I can be selfish and not feel guilty about it.

At this point, getting just half of my list would be a bonus. Sanity doesn't even have to be one of them since I'm so close to empty anyway. I'd have to insist on the guilt free eating though. If I'm going to be crazy, at least I'll have the enjoyment of desserts.

Can I get an Amen?