Are We There Yet? How About Now?

Now that we've been home a few weeks, I'm almost over the trauma that comes with taking long car trips with kids. Although mine are pretty well behaved all things considered, here are my top 5 reasons why travelling long distances in a car sucks.

5. The Bickering. You know how your kids fight over stupid shit all the time? (And let's face it, it's usually totally trivial crap that gets them wound up.) When you're at home you can leave the room, the house, the state, whatever helps you cope with those pesky tattling arguements your kids are prone to have.

"Mom, he touched my book!" "Nuh-uh, Mom, she's lying!" "I'm not lying, YOU'RE lying and I'm telling Mom. Mom, he's lying!"

Yes, you might love those kids, but when they start their sibling bickering, you want to knock their heads together, three stooges style. In a car, there's no escaping this. For 18 hours. In a row. (Okay, well technically it was 9 and 9 since we split the driving into 2 days. But still.)

4. Lack of Space. Not only have you crammed your family into a sardine can, but all of your luggage too. Plus the dvd players for the kids. And the snacks. And the cooler with the drinks. And the travel pillows, travel blankets, tissues, iPhones, portable game systems, and the navigation system. By the time you fit all the stuff in, you barely have room for the people. Which isn't great considering you're about to spend 20 hours in this space. It basically turns into Twister: Travel edition.

"Left hand, passenger window!"
"Right foot, back of Dad's head. Oops, sorry Mom."

3. Crumbs, Crumbs, Everywhere. When you're taking a long car trip, eating in the car is inevitable. And because I haven't gotten off my ass and invented the travel bubble that will vacuum suck each crumb out of thin air and away from my precious car floors and seats, there's going to be a mess. Probably a smushed teddy graham or a mashed cheez-it or two. (Oh come on, like I pack healthy snacks for travelling? Not likely. And if you want to know why, see reason 1.)

But the irony in this situation? We clean the car before we leave. Yup, I figure if I'm going to spend a day in my car, it's going to be a clean day dammit. By the time we get to our destination, the poor car has more crumbs and juice in it than the kids do and needs another cleaning. Eh, C'est La Vie, right?

2. Everyone Knows Everyone's Business. Yes, it's kind of hard to have sexy talk with the hubster with all those ears in the backseat. Not that we do anything like that, mind you. Nope, boring old spinster spouses, that's what we are. Move along, nothing to see here.

Lack of sexy talk aside, you can't have any private conversations in a car. You might as well just play The Lorax 12 times, because there's not going to be any juicy gossip for another 16 hours, 27 minutes, and 14 seconds.

"Oh, my, God. I forgot to tell you about Janet and the fact that she's cheat......cheering for her kids to do well on exams next month. Yup, that Janet, she's a pip alright."

"Hey, that mole you found on my ti....ticklish tummy, yeah, turns out it was a piece of dark chocolate. I've got to stop scarfing chocolate over my v-neck tee shirts."

And DRUM ROLL please..........

1. Oh The Wonderful Smells You'll Smell. Or not. Because farts don't smell like roses. Yeah, I'm talking to you my 7 year old son. Do you know how we figured out it was you who "dealt it"? Because you started laughing, completely out of the blue. And when asked if it was you, in between those bursts of laughter, you managed to maintain that it wasn't you because your farts smell like roses. Uh, nope, they don't. Today they smell like roadkill and moldy cheese. Or at least what I imagine these things would smell like if they were combined and fell out of your butt in a noxious smell cloud.

But it's not just farts. Nuh uh. Bad breath, body odor, sweat....all these little smells locked into an airtight canister of family funkiness. Ok, so it's not airtight, but still. Roll a window (or 4) down already. Geez kid, what did you eat last? The ass end of a rhino? GOOD LORD, the smell! My eyes are watering. Don't breathe it in! For the love of all that's holy....oh, that's NASTY. It has a TASTE. I think I'm going to be sick.

Ha ha ha,,,get it?