Navigating the Nap Time Minefield

So you're little bundle of joy is exhausted/sick/cranky/all of the above and you are desperate to get him or her to just TAKE A NAP ALREADY!!! Yet there seems to be some sort of direct correlation between how badly you want them to sleep and how hard they fight against the process. Is it some sort of infant radar? Here's the modern mom mayhem Guide To Dealing With The Nap Time Minefield:

Step one: Gather all the child's favorite nap time paraphernalia. This might include such things as a blankie, a binky, a sippy, a stuffy, a wubby, a nubby, or a bubby. Alright, I don't know what some of those are, I just made them up. After gathering all assorted items, track down the baby (I'm hoping you don't have to search that hard as this would be a little worrisome to me) and gather the cute (STINKY) bundle of joy as well.

Step two: De-stinkify the child. Nobody wants to take a nap with a load in their pants. Ok, well actually, from all my research, babies and toddlers don't really seem to mind this that much. Their parents seem more concerned than the kids sitting with the turd in their britches. You'd think this would be the opposite but maybe after you spend months sitting in your own poopie pants it starts to become a non-issue. Even if said bouncing bundle of joy doesn't have a foul stench emanating from the diaper area, you might still want to change the baby's diaper. I can't imagine it's pleasant to have wet areas on my person whilst trying to nap either, but again, this might just be me as I've seen many a saggy bottomed baby playing with gleeful abandon and complete disregard to their droopy diaper.

Step three: Find a place to lay the baby down. (Or lie the baby down, I forget which is socially and English class accepted.) Hand blankie, stuffy, wubby, nubby, or whatever to your beautious offspring. Pop a cork, ah, I mean binky, into that cute little scream maker of theirs. Tip toe quickly, yet quietly, away from baby with the insane belief that they will immediately settle down and take an excellent 90 minute nap where you will be super productive. Have that belief shattered in thirteen seconds when  your precocious baby is sitting/standing/jumping/screaming. Soothe baby with cooing sounds, laying (lying?) them down again, this time making an even hastier retreat from the room.

Step four: Realize that your sweet cuddle bug needs some mommy-baby bonding time. In mommy's big, cozy bed. Transport baby, binkie, blankie, stuffy and all the other crap along with baby. Settle into a cozy, snuggling embrace with the wriggle worm that has become your child. Subject yourself to eye poking, fingers in your mouth, and nasal cavity exploration. Try to re-direct baby to quiet, sleeping time pose. Cover with blanket. Encourage finding thumb, binky, or blankie even though you just told your husband how you were totally weaning the baby off said object.

Step five: After 45 minutes of trying to get the kid to nap, he's fallen asleep on your arm. Carefully dislodge yourself out from under the baby using minute movements spaced in 20 second intervals so as not to wake the sleeping angel. Hold breath the entire time. Noisily expel breath as soon as you manage to successfully disentangle yourself. Hold your breath again as the kid stirs. Turn on baby monitor. Build fort of pillows, blankets, and bricks to keep sweetheart angel face from rolling off the bed. Tiptoe away from bed like it will explode if your footstep lands too heavily on the floor.

Step six: Hover close enough to the bedroom to hear if baby wakes up. Alternate between that and telling people in your house to "Shut UP!" in an angry whisper. Consider tackling neighbor kids who are making too much noise in the yard right outside your bedroom window. How dare they whoop it up? Can't they see they might wake the precious sleeping bundle? Don't they know how badly that precious bundle needed this nap?

Step seven: Waste entire 90 minute nap time worrying that something is going to wake your baby from their well deserved and much needed nap. End up waking baby when the weight of your worry crushes them and they wake up anyway. Realize that the last two hours were not productive in any way, shape, or form. Sigh and realize you're exhausted and could use a nap yourself. Right about the time that bouncing bundle is recharged and ready to wear you out again.