Displaced From Dat Place

Recently we found out that we had to have some work done on our house due to a leak. Since it was an extensive fix, we had to find some place to stay for the duration of the renovation. Basically, we had to uproot everyone and everything and turn our schedule on its ear and all breathe into brown paper bags so that we don't hyperventilate. (Ok, the last one might only have been me.)

Cue sad, theatrical violin music.

Ok, I'm not THAT bad. I mean, sure, one of my neighbors said she felt terrible for me, knowing how hard this must be on me since I like my routine, but other than that, my coping skills are just fine. (I said they're FINE dammit!) And although my ability to "roll with the punches" has been sorely tested during this ordeal, it has allowed me to learn a few things.

1.) I HATE moving. Or more specifically, disorganized, hasty moving. If I had the proper amount of time to coordinate, plan, pack, make lists of lists, then I'm sure things would have gone completely smoothly and birds would have helped me hang the curtains while the bunnies swept the floors. Alas, there were no birds OR bunnies, just a lot of frantic adults (ok, two frantic adults) trying to move as much stuff before kids got home and ratcheted the chaos level up to clinically insane. I got to put things in boxes just to move them to the rental house five minutes away and take the crap back out of the boxes. Boxes that weren't even labeled. Yes, that's right. Unmarked boxes. Dun dun dun. Yes, all of you with obsessive compulsive tendencies can now shudder and feel my pain.

See? THIS is OCD packing at its finest.

2.) We have a lot of shi.....stuff. Yes, stuff galore. My husband told me to bring only necessities and to pack the other stuff away in the garage. Guess who got to make 45 trips back to the house to get "necessities"? I'm pretty sure that we've been there so many times that the neighbors probably don't even realize we're gone yet. Also, let me point out that it's really nice living where all of your shi....stuff is. You don't need that cake pan until you realize you need it for the Easter dessert you want to make. No, don't bring the filing cabinet, that's stupid. Instead why don't you run back and forth looking for paperwork that you wouldn't have needed if you could put your fingers on it easily. Don't take that for granted people. Seriously. I want you to go to your computer desk, find that doo hickey that holds your pens and paperclips all in one nifty place and say, "I appreciate having you close by."

3. You can't go back. After owning my own house for 10 years, I cannot be a renter. It's too stressful. I walk around just barking at kids to stop. It doesn't even matter what. Ninety nine percent of the time at least one of my children is doing something that they shouldn't be, so just stop. This instant. No you may not race cars on the walls, they aren't our walls. No you may not throw bouncy balls at the walls, they aren't our walls. No you may not do anything but stand there, they're not our legs. Oh, sorry, got carried away there. They are your legs but you cannot kick the doors with them!!! And while we're at it, here are a few other rules: Don't touch! Don't even look. Don't even want to look.

4. You can totally screw up your sleep pattern just by putting your bed in  different spot. If you sleep on your right side and face toward the center of the bed, flipping that is going to confuse your body for awhile. Once your body gets suckered into thinking sleeping on the opposite side is fantastic, you can then pull a fast one and move back to your own home and sleep on the opposite side again. A word of warning: You might need to transition slowly as moving too fast could case your brain to need extensive sessions with a therapist, which will be totally awkward because how would you not eavesdrop on that conversation?

I understand why Calgon needs to take so many people away now. It all makes sense. Except for Roth IRA's. And quesalupas. They still don't make any sense at all.

Vodka: The Calgon of 2016