If You Don't Do It This Way, You're Wrong!

Do you know that there's a "proper" way to fold a fitted sheet? I'm not even kidding. Apparently, there's this magical method of folding that makes that hot mess of a lumpy, bumpy sheet into a masterpiece worthy of the finest obsessive compulsive individual.

This is such a hot topic that you can find instructions and even how to videos on YouTube and HGTV.com.

I have even seen it implied that if you DON'T know how to fold a fitted sheet, that there's something inherently missing in your makeup. You must be a heathen for cripe's sake! Which made me think, do I know how to fold a fitted sheet? I mean, sure, most of the time they're done in a hurry so even though I'm pretty sure I know the "proper" way, it just gets done willy nilly so that I can finish folding the load in the dryer before the wash cycle finishes. It's a revolving door of laundry in my house so most of the time it boils down to, "Crap! I forgot I have laundry in the dryer, let's just put it on for 10 minutes to fluff them up quick!" My folding area is generally just the top of the washer or dryer so it's not like I'm looking for professional quality folding here. (Not to mention, most of it is hung up in closets anyway.)

It was then that I realized that I was starting to get just a little too concerned with the semantics of folding a fitted sheet and it occurred to me to ask myself why I care? Don't they just get shoved into some dark linen closet until they get put on a bed? Is there some sort of linen closet inspection crew that's going to randomly inspect my folded sheets? Are there linen police that are going to take me away to laundry jail? Why do I care how it's folded? It literally sits in a closet until I put it on a bed...which is then covered with blankets. If anyone comes to my house, turns down my bed, and remarks on my wrinkly sheets that "must have been incorrectly folded in order to achieve the specific type of wrinkles that have formed around the fitted pockets" then you can drag your ass out the door. I cannot be friends with anyone who has such high expectations of my cleanliness standards and clearly doesn't know me that well. I'm no slouch when it comes to cleaning but there are areas that I find I don't really care enough about until such time that it smashes me over the head, like when the dust bunnies form an army and begin to stage a coup. Laundry folding, sadly, falls into this category as well. They are clean and dry, what the hell else do you people want from me? (No, don't answer that, it was a rhetorical question.)

It makes me wonder if this is another one of those things that the internet tries to trick me into thinking I am supposed to care about. Like the Great Toilet Paper Roll Debate. (Caps worthy.) It usually starts with some sort of meme or picture on the Internet. Maybe one like this:

Ha ha ha... funny though.

If you read the comments underneath one of these images, I am sure that World War III is ready to break out over the people defending the "wrong" way that they hang their toilet paper roll. I am amazed that someone has so much time on their hands that they needed to design this picture. It couldn't have been a mother with children in the house, because we are just amazed that the toilet paper roll was actually changed in the first place, let alone how the freaking roll is hanging. Heck, we would even take the "monster" version because, hey, points for effort, right? Akin to finding an empty milk container in the refrigerator, finding an empty toilet paper roll can be just as maddening. (Especially when it's usually right next to where the toilet paper hangs. Grr.)

Actually, I'm amazed that I even have extra toilet paper because my children seem to eat it and I feel like I am always buying toilet paper. If they made a super, mega, extra jumbo pack of toilet paper, I'd probably buy 2. Toilet paper, milk, and coffee creamer...those are the 3 things I am always out of in my house. You'd think, because I know that, that we would never run out and yet, we still do. It means that my entire life consists of: Go to the store, buy the stuff, bring it home, find something else you need, repeat the first four steps daily. 

The moral of the story is this: You can't force me to care Internet. I'm just too tired, I ran out of shits to give like 10 years ago and I'll fold my sheets improperly while you watch, just for spite. Muah ha ha ha ha ha. (Evil villain laugh.)

iWanna Send a List to Santa

It’s pretty well established that I am an iAddict. I keep waiting, very patiently I might add, for those cunning, innovative Apple executives to find something new to sucker me into. I mean, I’ve already got the iPad, the iPhone, and the iWatch. What’s next? iAlarmClock? iTelevision? iSneakers? (iWill probably have them all!)

While I continue waiting for new Apple products, they just keep cranking out updated versions of their old products. Why? Because they can. They know that us suckers who are hooked on their easily adaptable, interfacing iTech will continue to feed our habits with updates that contain cool new features that we are convinced we must have. Sure, we’ll bitch and moan about the headphones that use the charging port now, making it so that we can’t charge our phone and listen to music at the same time, but we’ll still buy it and get over that idiotic quirky feature. Then they’ll roll out adapters that we can buy for a few bucks that will allow us to do exactly that…and then never use them because how often do we really charge and jam out at the same time anyway? We will buy these newfangled phones because we have to keep up with the times (and the iTunes updates).

If anything is proof of this, it’s the iPhone 8.

Now, those wily associates at Apple, Inc. are usually rolling out a new version of a phone fairly quickly now, at least since phone numero 5. This time they decided to roll out two new versions kind of close together: The 8 and the X. I’m assuming the X stands for ten (but then again, you know what they say about assuming…) which begs the question: “What the hell do they have against the number 9?” I mean, I can understand if they skipped 13, but 9? That’s numberist and I can’t believe that they’d discriminate against 9 that way. Geez.

I digress. (Which is really just a shorter, nicer way of saying I strayed off topic to rant about something trivial but you followed me there and back again, so what’s that say about you?)

So my husband and I just iTeched ourselves with updated phones last winter. Nine months later they rolled out the new version. My first thought was this was no big deal until I found out that the 8 has the charging pad that I have envied on the Samsung phones for quite awhile. Now I’m convinced that I must have one. I MUST I tell you! My second thought was “Really?!?! You couldn’t have bleepin’ told us that the new one was coming out so soon? We would have just waited!!” (Followed very closely by a lot of mental F bombs that were okay because they actually looked like this: @!%&%@! And there was no harming of any child’s psyche from the silent cartoon swearing that occurred in my head.)

So I’ve been slow simmering about this whole situation, turning into a grumpy old woman who grumbles under her breath when she sees the iPhone 8 commercials, silently (and covertly if small eyes are present) flipping the TV off. (No, not turning it off, flipping it off. You know, giving the bird to an inanimate object? This in no way signifies I am nuttier than a Christmas fruitcake. I don’t think.)

And then I saw a commercial for the iPhone X.

Now, remember when I said they keep adding new features that we are convinced that we must have? Yeah, the X takes the cake in this category. Instead of making you put in a passcode or using a fingerprint to unlock your phone, it uses your face. That’s right, YOUR. FACE. How freaking cool is that? How difficult is it going to be to steal a smart phone that is so smart, it won’t unlock without the owner’s face? (Although this brings up interesting questions like: Could identical twins open each other’s phones with face recognition or is Siri so flippin’ smart now that she would know the difference? But I am digressing again.) To steal my phone, you’d need to steal me too. And I am not so light. (Stay safe, eat cake etc)

So now I live in a world where faces can unlock phones. What’s next? Ass cheeks that verify your PIN number? (Ha ha, I just got a mental image of that one. You’re welcome.) So the next time you’re bummed out and feeling blue, consider what an amazing world we live in that would encourage us to eat cake to keep our iPhones from being stolen. Freaking fantastic!

And to all my readers: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy (Festive?) Kwanzaa, Feliz Navidad, and Gesundheit.