iWanna Send a List to Santa

It’s pretty well established that I am an iAddict. I keep waiting, very patiently I might add, for those cunning, innovative Apple executives to find something new to sucker me into. I mean, I’ve already got the iPad, the iPhone, and the iWatch. What’s next? iAlarmClock? iTelevision? iSneakers? (iWill probably have them all!)

While I continue waiting for new Apple products, they just keep cranking out updated versions of their old products. Why? Because they can. They know that us suckers who are hooked on their easily adaptable, interfacing iTech will continue to feed our habits with updates that contain cool new features that we are convinced we must have. Sure, we’ll bitch and moan about the headphones that use the charging port now, making it so that we can’t charge our phone and listen to music at the same time, but we’ll still buy it and get over that idiotic quirky feature. Then they’ll roll out adapters that we can buy for a few bucks that will allow us to do exactly that…and then never use them because how often do we really charge and jam out at the same time anyway? We will buy these newfangled phones because we have to keep up with the times (and the iTunes updates).

If anything is proof of this, it’s the iPhone 8.

Now, those wily associates at Apple, Inc. are usually rolling out a new version of a phone fairly quickly now, at least since phone numero 5. This time they decided to roll out two new versions kind of close together: The 8 and the X. I’m assuming the X stands for ten (but then again, you know what they say about assuming…) which begs the question: “What the hell do they have against the number 9?” I mean, I can understand if they skipped 13, but 9? That’s numberist and I can’t believe that they’d discriminate against 9 that way. Geez.

I digress. (Which is really just a shorter, nicer way of saying I strayed off topic to rant about something trivial but you followed me there and back again, so what’s that say about you?)

So my husband and I just iTeched ourselves with updated phones last winter. Nine months later they rolled out the new version. My first thought was this was no big deal until I found out that the 8 has the charging pad that I have envied on the Samsung phones for quite awhile. Now I’m convinced that I must have one. I MUST I tell you! My second thought was “Really?!?! You couldn’t have bleepin’ told us that the new one was coming out so soon? We would have just waited!!” (Followed very closely by a lot of mental F bombs that were okay because they actually looked like this: @!%&%@! And there was no harming of any child’s psyche from the silent cartoon swearing that occurred in my head.)

So I’ve been slow simmering about this whole situation, turning into a grumpy old woman who grumbles under her breath when she sees the iPhone 8 commercials, silently (and covertly if small eyes are present) flipping the TV off. (No, not turning it off, flipping it off. You know, giving the bird to an inanimate object? This in no way signifies I am nuttier than a Christmas fruitcake. I don’t think.)

And then I saw a commercial for the iPhone X.

Now, remember when I said they keep adding new features that we are convinced that we must have? Yeah, the X takes the cake in this category. Instead of making you put in a passcode or using a fingerprint to unlock your phone, it uses your face. That’s right, YOUR. FACE. How freaking cool is that? How difficult is it going to be to steal a smart phone that is so smart, it won’t unlock without the owner’s face? (Although this brings up interesting questions like: Could identical twins open each other’s phones with face recognition or is Siri so flippin’ smart now that she would know the difference? But I am digressing again.) To steal my phone, you’d need to steal me too. And I am not so light. (Stay safe, eat cake etc)

So now I live in a world where faces can unlock phones. What’s next? Ass cheeks that verify your PIN number? (Ha ha, I just got a mental image of that one. You’re welcome.) So the next time you’re bummed out and feeling blue, consider what an amazing world we live in that would encourage us to eat cake to keep our iPhones from being stolen. Freaking fantastic!

And to all my readers: Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy (Festive?) Kwanzaa, Feliz Navidad, and Gesundheit.