If You Don't Do It This Way, You're Wrong!

Do you know that there's a "proper" way to fold a fitted sheet? I'm not even kidding. Apparently, there's this magical method of folding that makes that hot mess of a lumpy, bumpy sheet into a masterpiece worthy of the finest obsessive compulsive individual.

This is such a hot topic that you can find instructions and even how to videos on YouTube and HGTV.com.

I have even seen it implied that if you DON'T know how to fold a fitted sheet, that there's something inherently missing in your makeup. You must be a heathen for cripe's sake! Which made me think, do I know how to fold a fitted sheet? I mean, sure, most of the time they're done in a hurry so even though I'm pretty sure I know the "proper" way, it just gets done willy nilly so that I can finish folding the load in the dryer before the wash cycle finishes. It's a revolving door of laundry in my house so most of the time it boils down to, "Crap! I forgot I have laundry in the dryer, let's just put it on for 10 minutes to fluff them up quick!" My folding area is generally just the top of the washer or dryer so it's not like I'm looking for professional quality folding here. (Not to mention, most of it is hung up in closets anyway.)

It was then that I realized that I was starting to get just a little too concerned with the semantics of folding a fitted sheet and it occurred to me to ask myself why I care? Don't they just get shoved into some dark linen closet until they get put on a bed? Is there some sort of linen closet inspection crew that's going to randomly inspect my folded sheets? Are there linen police that are going to take me away to laundry jail? Why do I care how it's folded? It literally sits in a closet until I put it on a bed...which is then covered with blankets. If anyone comes to my house, turns down my bed, and remarks on my wrinkly sheets that "must have been incorrectly folded in order to achieve the specific type of wrinkles that have formed around the fitted pockets" then you can drag your ass out the door. I cannot be friends with anyone who has such high expectations of my cleanliness standards and clearly doesn't know me that well. I'm no slouch when it comes to cleaning but there are areas that I find I don't really care enough about until such time that it smashes me over the head, like when the dust bunnies form an army and begin to stage a coup. Laundry folding, sadly, falls into this category as well. They are clean and dry, what the hell else do you people want from me? (No, don't answer that, it was a rhetorical question.)

It makes me wonder if this is another one of those things that the internet tries to trick me into thinking I am supposed to care about. Like the Great Toilet Paper Roll Debate. (Caps worthy.) It usually starts with some sort of meme or picture on the Internet. Maybe one like this:

Ha ha ha... funny though.

If you read the comments underneath one of these images, I am sure that World War III is ready to break out over the people defending the "wrong" way that they hang their toilet paper roll. I am amazed that someone has so much time on their hands that they needed to design this picture. It couldn't have been a mother with children in the house, because we are just amazed that the toilet paper roll was actually changed in the first place, let alone how the freaking roll is hanging. Heck, we would even take the "monster" version because, hey, points for effort, right? Akin to finding an empty milk container in the refrigerator, finding an empty toilet paper roll can be just as maddening. (Especially when it's usually right next to where the toilet paper hangs. Grr.)

Actually, I'm amazed that I even have extra toilet paper because my children seem to eat it and I feel like I am always buying toilet paper. If they made a super, mega, extra jumbo pack of toilet paper, I'd probably buy 2. Toilet paper, milk, and coffee creamer...those are the 3 things I am always out of in my house. You'd think, because I know that, that we would never run out and yet, we still do. It means that my entire life consists of: Go to the store, buy the stuff, bring it home, find something else you need, repeat the first four steps daily. 

The moral of the story is this: You can't force me to care Internet. I'm just too tired, I ran out of shits to give like 10 years ago and I'll fold my sheets improperly while you watch, just for spite. Muah ha ha ha ha ha. (Evil villain laugh.)