I (Barely) Survived My Family Vacation, And You Can Too!

We are freshly back from our annual insanity-fest (A.K.A. the family vacation) and though I have managed to survive, there were some moments that were iffy. If a family vacation is on your horizon, here are some tips on how best to make it through intact. (Or at the very least, make it through a less traumatized version.)

Pack an extra bag. Of sanity. Because when you cram your family together in a tin can with wheels (or a tin can with wings), it’s going to get real. There are only so many fart blasts from your 11 year old that you can take before you start wondering if he’s shat himself. Regardless if he’s tie dying his undies with chocolate streaks, you’re probably pretty fed up with it after the 4^th (or 20^th) time you’ve gagged and rolled the window down to help pass that gas from his ass to the underpass.

And pack two bags of patience. It’s probably frowned upon to leave a tantruming five year old on the side of I95. (Probably not the spouse either.) You might need to do some meditation practice before embarking, or in the very least at least pack some Xanax or a flask of happy juice. (Disclaimer: It is also frowned upon to drive whilst drinking happy juice so save that for the flying tin can or make it nonalcoholic happy juice.)

Take a lot of pictures. Yeah sure, we all hate the sight of our flappy arms or our crooked smile, but none of that is going to matter when you have an empty nest and you’re drinking wine and crying over how little your babies once were. Plus the grandkids will enjoy looking at the pictures and laughing at the funny clothes and funky hairdos, just like we’ve done with our own parents and grandparents photo albums for generations. Hey, it’s tradition, right?

You catch more flies with sugar than vinegar. Which is a dumb saying anyway because who the hell wants flies? Besides frogs. Do you know how I catch flies in my house? With a flyswatter. BOOM! Dead flies is what I have now. Wait, where was I again? 

Oh yeah, so when you and your honey bunny snap at each other, which is more than possible on an extremely long driving trip or airplane ride, make sure you sprinkle those barbs with terms of endearment to throw the kids off. Need an example? How about: “You are an extreme asshat my snookum wookems.” Or perhaps: “You’re driving skills are similar to a those of a blind toddler, darling dearest.” Maybe this: “If you don’t stop whistling my special treasure, I will rip your spleen out and beat you with it.” I guarantee that the kids won’t even bat an eyelash because of those endearing sweet words mixed in there. (Or the fact that they’re wearing headphones and watching a movie. One or the other.)

Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. No, a little slower. I said slower. Now you’re hyperventilating. That’s great, just freaking great! Can’t we have one damn family vacation where something doesn’t go colossally wrong my sweet darling asshat?

EAT. THE. CAKE. Holy crap, what isn’t there to love about vacation food? It’s not just the snacking that you normally don’t allow yourself to do, it’s the rich foods that you splurge on for your regular meals. This year I decided I was still going to do my workouts, something I haven’t ever done during vacation, in the hopes that I might stave off some of the dreaded vacation weight gain. I still came home 5 pounds heavier. But at least I ate the damn dessert. So take that stupid cellulite! Yeah, you may have bested me this time but who got to enjoy the sunshine cake, huh? Mic drop!

Make the best of it. Maybe the weather isn’t cooperating. Maybe your five year old isn’t cooperating. Maybe your snookum wookums isn’t cooperating. Whatever it is, try to remember that this too will pass. (I am laughing as I write that because it is so damn hard to do in the moment… and I feel like people who give you sage advice are probably laughing their asses off on the inside because they have been there, done that. They know. But it sounds like they know what they’re talking about so you believe them.) Sure, that toddler diarrhea blowout sucks now but it’s going to be a great story to tell their own kids someday. You know the old adage “You’ll laugh about this one day”? You probably will. And if that isn’t the most helpful advice in the moment, well, it’s not the worst either. I mean, the worst would be like telling you to put butter on and then lay in the sun or something. Or wear a meat suit in shark infested waters.

If you are planning a trip with your precious loved ones soon, I wish you all the best. You’ll need it! But you’ll also love it. Maybe not every moment, but definitely enough that it’ll still beat having to go to work. And it’s definitely better than the shark/meat suit option.

Viva la vacation and carpe daiquiris!

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