According to the Polls, I’m Only 93.4% Politically Incorrect

 

Ah, politics. Is there any topic more controversial and forbidden in conversations? For generations, politics has been a relationship hand grenade, tossed in casually and accidentally, only to result in catastrophic losses of relationships and sanity. This is true of any time period in history, but because 2020 has been so extra, naturally it has been amplified to the nth degree.

Since this is a year that seems to want to throw all its crazy at us at once, the political system is a powder keg just waiting to explode. Not to mention that the gloves are off this year with campaigns becoming cut throat and messy, slinging mud around like a deranged toddler hopped up on pixie stix. For example, there are 2 Congress candidates who are so busy dumping on their running mate that I couldn’t actually tell you what their platforms are. What I CAN tell you is that they text and call my cell phone, call my house, and spam my mailbox with cards and pamphlets multiple times a day. At this point, the one who is getting my vote is the one who leaves me the hell alone. Oh, that’s right, I’m keeping a tally now little missies.

The big storm that’s brewing is, of course, the presidential race. Personally, I’m not that thrilled with either of the candidates. Every time I see Joe Biden, I think of that puppet that Jeff Dunham has, the grumpy old man named Walter. If you’ve ever seen that puppet and Joe Biden in the same room, I’d be surprised. In fact I’m still not convinced they aren’t one and the same. It would explain the vague sense of unease I get whenever I look at him. He kind of reminds me of the creepy old uncle that gets drunk at the Christmas party and tells inappropriate dirty jokes that make everyone uncomfortable. Then there’s Donald Trump, which doesn’t actually need any other description if you’re unlucky enough to currently live under his sovereign rule in the grand old US of A. He definitely is the creepy old guy at the party except he’s not telling dirty jokes, he’s talking about his favorite person (himself obviously) and telling tall tales about his greatness.

The only good thing to come from these two were the debates. I mean, it was literally the best reality television we could watch. Pop some popcorn and pull up a chair folks, because you aren’t going to want to miss tonight’s episode of Debauchery, Douchery, and Debates.

(Announcer) The tension in the air is palpable. Will we find out how many different ways Donald can sabotage Joe’s speech? Will he cut him off? Will he talk over him? Will Joe ever get two words in edgewise? And will Joe have the ability to fight back and finish a thought? Find out tonight on Debauchery, Douchery, and Debates!

I remember being a child, maybe 9 or so, and asking my father who he voted for in the election. The sharp response of, “None of your business. That’s personal.” was my first clue that politics make people crazy. That response imprinted on me though and made me liken politics to buying sanitary products at the store. Sure, you are going to go with the brand you trust, but you aren’t going to feel good about having to buy them in such a public place. And for the love of all that’s holy, definitely don’t make eye contact with the cashier ringing you out. The horror!

So this impression of politics being a private business has stuck with me all these years. It hasn’t really affected me much since I haven’t been a super politically driven person. (I’m sure that it helps that I haven’t liked any candidate as much as Ross Perot. I wonder what he’s up to? Maybe VH1 can do a presidential candidate version of “Where Are They Now?”.) Even as I’ve dipped my toes in the political waters and made it a point to educate myself before voting, I still don’t know that I can really call myself emotionally vested. Other people apparently do not have these same reservations. I cannot believe how many people have candidate signs in their yards, proudly proclaiming their support for Trump or Biden, without any regard for the secret shame that you are supposed to harbor for overtly liking ANY candidate. It’s like they don’t even feel the slightest bit of discomfort at being so public. Yikes. I just can’t figure it out. Don’t they worry that some anti-supporter will target their house and tp their trees or deface their signs? I don’t even leave pumpkins on my porch on Cabbage Night in fear that some dopey kids will trash them in a time honored tradition of dumbassery. Dopey adults with a holier-than-thou attitude and a chip on their shoulder are WAY worse.

So navigating this shit show of an election has been interesting for all of us, but probably not as interesting as it’s been to my “brand new voter” daughter. She is so excited that this is her first presidential election that she can participate in. Like carrying around her voting card in her wallet excited. It’s actually very impressive. I only muster up that much enthusiasm for chocolate chip cookies and new books. But then again, I am old and jaded now so it takes a lot more for me to get to actual feeling mustering. I’ve been trying to impress upon her how important it is to vote for the candidate that she feels most aligns with her views, but I’m not quite sure that she’s going to find a contestant, I mean nominee, with a cold brew coffee addiction that watches too much Netflix and treats napping like a religion. Then again, we ended up with a reality television president so I guess anything's possible, right?

On a more serious note, no matter what team you're on, make sure you get out there and vote! At the very least you might get a cool sticker out of the deal.

 

Thank you Google search for adding this image for impact!

 

 

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