We Need an Updated Guide to Anniversary Gift Giving

             A few weeks ago, I was pondering what to get my husband for our upcoming wedding anniversary. Technically our gift to each other was two blissful days away without our angsty, whiny fruit of our loins. That in itself was a gift more priceless than gold, yet not really “wrappable”. Besides, this one was kind of a “milestone” at fifteen years. So I looked up the traditional gift guide for suggestions.

                For any of you who may have been born in the last 30 years or so and have no idea what I am talking about, the traditional gift guide was a list of suggested gifts by anniversary order. It’s annual until the 15^th year and then it skips to every 5 years, probably because they know there comes a point when you’ve just been married “a long time”. Unfortunately, I didn’t find it really helpful with things such as paper, cotton, leather, fruit and flowers, wood, iron, wool/ copper, bronze, pottery, tin/aluminum, steel, silk, lace, ivory, crystal, and china comprising the first 20 years on the list.

                What the actual hell?

                Who made up this list? I feel like it could have been a woman, except that I have yet to ever met a female who thinks, “Yes, I do believe that wool items are what I desire for my gift. Bring them henceforth.” On the other hand, it couldn’t have been compiled by a man either because every year would be the same gift. And they would insist that it be unwrapped. Wink, wink.

Not to mention, how do you decide what to buy for some of these things?

Paper: “Sweetie, I got you a case of toilet paper. Yeah, 3 ply. Next time you have tacos from that food truck you’ll be wiping like a king. Only the best for my guy!”

Tin/aluminum: “Hey babe, I got you this aluminum foil. Yeah,  I got the 200 square feet. Who’s your Daddy?”

China: “Darling, here is some china that I picked out without any of your input so that I could surprise you with dishes that will only be used at Christmas until they’re so old that you worry about it breaking and it forever collects dust in the china cabinet.”

Lace: “Babe, I got this teeny tiny lace nightgown for you…No, you’re right, this is a gift for me. (But you’ll still wear it right?”)

                Lest you become discouraged though, I DID find a “modern” version of the list with such fabulous suggestions as clocks, electrical appliances, pen and pencil sets, furs, furniture, and musical instruments.

Again, I ask, who oversaw this list? I have never, not once, thought to myself, “Self, do you know what we are missing in our life? A musical instrument. It’s too bad that it’s not my 24^th wedding anniversary so that I can get myself a sweet didgeridoo from the love of my life!” I have never wondered, “Why don’t I ever get gifted with a clock? It would really help to know what time it is to have a clock every 2 feet in my house. Yeah, I actually do own a watch, what are you getting at?”

I think that if I was in charge of this list, I would put fun or useful items on it. If you’re celebrating your wedding anniversary, do you want to do that with pottery? Or do you want a spa day? Do you want crystal or do you want to be able to eat a personal size chocolate cake without sharing? They don’t even need to be purchased items. If your marriage has children, maybe give Mom an entire 15 minutes to eat a hot meal and use the bathroom without sticky fingers reaching under the door. Give Dad an hour to poop while reading the newspaper without nagging. Allow your fashion tragic spouse an outing (to the backyard) in an outfit of their choosing, with no input from you. Tape their ideal weight onto the scale and encourage them to check their weight multiple times over the course of the day. See, sometimes it’s the small things in life that make us happy.

                In the end I just got him smart technology which probably didn’t exist when either the traditional or modern lists were produced. I don’t know what category that would fit under, but it wasn’t crystal or watches. Or a crystal watch. Or a watch crystal. Or watching Crystal get a crystal watch. But it was at least 100 times better than a sharp stick in the eye.

 

 

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