I Know What I'm Doing (Said No Parent)

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned after a quarter of a century of parenting my 4 children, it’s that I still don’t know what I am doing. Sure, I have a ton of practical experience….which is only applicable if I deal with the same incidents that I had with the previous children.

That statement is, of course, laughable at best.

God forbid your child not be an original, with new ways to cause their parents trauma, stress and sleepless nights. I joke about creating a therapy fund for my children, but in reality, they should be creating one for me. The amount of anxiety that they have , and continue to, cause should qualify me for a lengthy stay in one of those fancy resorts with the padded walls and cute jackets that allow you to give yourself a hug.

On the upside, it's REAL quiet here.
Image credit: The Interweb

The old adage that with age comes wisdom is true. Unfortunately, that doesn’t usually translate to a helpful skill in the midst of parenting battles. No, that only comes as hindsight, when I’m able to add yet another thing to my arsenal of “probably shouldn’t have said/done that”.

Perhaps it’s a good thing that our kids aren’t allowed to give us performance reviews. I’m not sure that I would be earning any bonuses or accolades based on their feedback. In fact, I’m pretty sure the youngest would get me fired immediately. Keep in mind that he is the most dramatic, and most traumatized, from his dad and I, even though we parent him the same as his siblings. He clearly feels that he is above all these pesky rules and will let us know, in no uncertain terms, how awful we are doing. I picture his answers going a little something like this:

“What was the last thing your mom and/or dad had to parent about?”

They made me go to bed at 9:00. In the summer! I am nine years old. That bedtime is for kindergarteners, not big boy almost 4^th graders.

“Rate your mom/dad’s last parenting attempt on a scale from 1-10.”

                Can I give a zero? 1 isn’t small enough.

“What do you think they excel at overall?”

Being bad parents. I can’t ever do anything fun. Not even on our many family vacations and trips we take. And on family game night I am expected to play games that other people choose, not just what I want to play. It’s so unfair!

“What do you think they could do to improve next time?”

Everything. They are terrible at all of it. I can’t stay up as late as I want. I have to eat healthy food. I can’t hit my brother or call him names. I am 9 years old, I have rights you know!

“How do you think they could accomplish this?”

They should buy me a lot of gift cards. I accept iTunes and Roblox. If gift cards are unavailable, I will also agree to take sports trading cards, but only the most current year is acceptable. Also, I should only have to eat foods I like, even if that’s only a total of 6 foods in the entire universe. I should never have to go to bed or do bad things like go to the dentist. And I should never have to wait a long time, like more than 60 seconds, for anything ever.

                The youngest child couldn’t be more opposite of his older brother if he tried. These differences also contribute to the whole not-really-learning-anything-even-though-I’ve-had-4-children thing. My third child is very laid back and easy going who would hate to bother anyone. The fourth is a feral, demanding creature who excels at making everything difficult. I had to go back to the drawing board just to learn how to co-exist with this wild child. His father and I still fall on landmines while navigating parenting with this one. If we survive this last kid with any sense of our sanity intact, I will be damn impressed.

                I guess what I’m getting at is that no one is teaching a master class on parenting. Well, maybe SOMEONE is. Probably not anyone you know. They’re just as clueless as the rest of us. And if someone you know does say they know what they’re doing, they’ve either reached the delusional stage of parenthood or they are flying high on the false confidence of prior knowledge and experience. Take it easy on them. They’re most likely 5 minutes away from their kid throwing a new experience at them.

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