Ban ALL the Elves. (And Possibly the Shelves Too)

             Four years ago, when my son was going through his “I want an elf on the shelf” kick, I wrote a blog post titled “Just Say No! (To Elves). After a few guilt ridden Christmases of having to be the big ol' meanie and put my foot down over the “No Elves Allowed” in our clubhouse, I thought that we had passed that hurdle. All was quiet…

Until this year.

Apparently, my youngest son’s best friend (an only child mind you) has an elf. I’m sure it’s got some stupid cutesy name like Twinkle or Cookie or Tinsel since it’s Elf Law to name it something nauseatingly sweet. As if just owning the damn thing wasn’t bad enough, Cocoa or Snowflake or whatever its name is, brings the kid PRESENTS. Yeah, so guess whose campaign to get a freaking elf has been renewed? Yup, you guessed it. My smallest con artist, upon seeing that this inanimate creep brings gifts is now all “PLEASE can we get an elf?”.

Wasn’t the whole idea of the elf to just watch your kid? Which, to be quite honest, is really creepy. It’s freaky thinking some middle-aged man can watch you all the time to know if you’re bad or good but at least he’s not watching you from inside your house. But I digress. Anyway, when this whole shebang started, that was the extent of it. Then people got the brilliant idea to make this spooky doll do tricks and shenanigans, which I find to be very conflicting with the whole ‘Keeping tabs for Santa” gig that the elf has going on. What kind of babysitter is pulling pranks and making messes? One that’s immediately fired from my house, that’s who. Yet people seem perfectly fine making up these elaborate scenarios of elf hijinks. They now even have kits that you can buy with props and what not. Whomever came up with the idea of this sinister bastard and his accessories has to be laughing all the way to the bank.

Once this trend started, it 100% reaffirmed my decision to ban all shelf sitting elves from my house.

And then, one day, some brilliant parent got the idea that the elf can brings gifts! (Probably the same one who came up with participation trophies.) Speaking from a Gen X parenting perspective, I can promise you that my children are receiving the spoils of my own latchkey kid, left-to my own-devices-for-hours, sent-outside-to-play-all-day childhood. I am 1,000 percent positive that they do not need extra gifts. Hell, I already go overboard for every birthday and holiday.

Our children, however, don’t see it this way. They are growing up in this over abundant world that we live in. Where everyone, and everything, is “extra” and thus has become the norm. Besides, what child has thought, “No, I don’t believe I need random gifts, thank you.” Probably not a single one. At least, not one that’s not a pod people or an alien hiding amongst us. (Now that someone let THAT secret out. But that’s a story for another time.) Which means that I get yet another reason to be the dink parent. So thanks for that, all you overachieving parents. 

Probably the part that annoys me the most though, is that your kid is going to school bragging about the spoils their elf is bringing them to kids whose parents may be struggling to even put food on the table. It’s hard to believe in Christmas magic when some households are just managing to scrape by. This stupid bleeding heart of mine thinks about those children all the time. And I worry about them. (Ugh, it was so much easier when I had a black, shriveled lump where my heart should be. When did I turn into such a chump? Feelings. Ick.)

Currently I’m standing firm. He’s turning 10 next month so I am fully aware that we are on borrowed time with Christmas magic. You’d think that would just tip me into the “get it” category, but I don’t think people understand how the thought of adding just “one more” chore during this Christmas season might just send me over the edge. I’m already over extended, making Christmas magical and shit. I don’t have time for creepy dolls. 

And I don’t care what cutesy name you give it. It’s still a stalker.

 

 

 

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