Taking a Leisurely Socials Scroll

               With the many streaming platforms available to us, whether it’s reels or Instagram or TikTok, there are plenty of options when it comes to how to waste our waking hours scrolling the Interwebs.

                My personal favorite is TikTok since the algorithm will learn my preferences and show me more of my specific brand of brain rot. (I have standards on how I waste my time, thank you very much.)

                If I had to guess how many people are guilty of this same type of mindless scrolling, I’d have to point the finger at pretty much everyone alive on the planet. (Not the un-alive ones though. Probably difficult to rot a brain that’s already, uh, rotting. Too dark? Sorry.) I’d also have to include myself in that list.

                That’s right. Not only am I pointing the finger, but I am also pointing the thumb. If you want to find someone who excels at getting caught up in weird video vortexes, I’m your gal. (Vortexi? Neither plural seems right to be honest.)

                It started off pretty innocuous. Comedians, funny animals, cute and sassy kids, generation X call outs. Then I found myself falling into some very specific, and sometimes odd, rabbit holes. Has anyone seen the rug cleaning videos that were all the rage a while back? (Say yes. I’ll feel better.) Basically, they took a nasty, filthy rug that was completely black and proceeded to clean it 400 times until it was restored to its former glory. Now, I have previous experience being mesmerized by cleaning videos (see the oxy clean informercial) so it stands to reason that sometimes my OCD demands entertainment too. I did eventually start scrolling to the end just to see the finished product because there is only so much dirty water and squeegeeing one person can handle. The algorithm either took the hint or they stopped cleaning rugs, not sure which.

                One trend that I fell deeply into was the gender reveal videos. I don’t need to know the people to enjoy them finding out the gender of their baby, right? RIGHT??? They even started making compilations of them so that I could just binge like a dozen of them right in a row without even having to lift a scrolling finger. (Handy!) I think part of my fascination with these is the creative ways people have come up with to find out. It used to just be colored filling in cake and now we have sumo babies fighting, fountains that turn pink or blue, and one I even saw that involved a jet dropping colored powder. Bonus points if it’s a reveal of multiples because it really does make me appreciate that all of my zygotes decided to put the other competitors in a headlock to win sole fetushood.

                Another trend that I will never get tired of is the practice of giving voices to things that ordinarily do not have one. (Like pets, newborn babies, seasons etc.) If this is your jam, I encourage you to find Elle Cordova whose personification of fonts and plate tectonics never fail to crack me up with her clever banter and witty repartee. If you prefer something a little more down to Earth, check out Matt Mitchell’s accurate depictions of most things Southern or B Mo The Prince’s take on religious figures, generations, politics, and pretty much anything else that strikes his imagination. RxCKSTXR will add a voiceover to cute pet videos that will make you swear that those pets wrote the script and performed it all on their own. This is probably one rabbit hole that I fall into daily, but honestly, I’m not mad about it. I love to find creative entertainers and creators, especially in these days of chaos and sadness when we could all use a good laugh.

                There was one very strange period where I got on the ghosty side of Tik Tok though. I don’t even know how it happened. I mean, I just told you the type of things I binge during my self-appointed scroll time. And I’m not talking about the cute Casper type ghost stories either. Nope, I’m talking about the ones that people use to prove that poltergeists are real and that documentaries are based on. The kind that make you sleep with the lights on and buy sage to cleanse your own home. You know, just in case. (Crosses my fingers, throws a pinch of salt over my shoulder, makes the sign of the cross.) I am not sure what broke that spell but I am just happy that I can go back to sleeping in the dark without fear of an 80 year old ghost hovering over me in my sleep. (Well actually, now that I’m thinking about it again….)

                So, if you’re feeling bad about “doom scrolling”, don’t. We all do it. Or most of us. Some of us will even admit it out loud. Just do yourself a favor and stay off haunted Tok. It’s not for the faint of heart. (Or scaredy cats like me.)

               

 

              

Need a smidge more mayhem? Find my FaceBook at Modern Mom Mayhem.

Occasionally I remember I’m on Instagram (@modernmommayhem)

Want to share your mayhem? Send an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com.

Try to Avoid Having a Stubborn Child

                Son number 2 is heading off to college in the fall. This is the child who has always been laid back and chill, sometimes to the point of not making a decision because he doesn’t have an opinion either way. Having a laid-back child means less conflict, right?

                So, tell me why this whole college experience has been a trial?

                Last fall, when I was trying to set up college visits for him, he didn’t even know what subject he wanted to study other than “Math or Science”. When I set up some college tours so that he could get a feel for campus life and maybe explore what topics might interest him, he didn’t understand why I was interrupting his social life for this.

                (Cue parental pinch of the bridge of the nose, universal sign for “God grant me the patience”.)

                The first college tour gave me a false sense of hope. He seemed engaged and interested, he liked that the classes and campus were on the smaller side because he didn’t want to go to a large college and even found a field of study that had potential.

(Well, I did say FALSE hope.)

                After that first college visit, now that he found an area of interest and narrowed his degree to an actual specific option, he didn’t know why I was still making him go to college visits that didn’t have his degree program. You know, the ones that I set up when he had no clue what he wanted to do?

                (Quick meditative chant of “I love this child” until irritation levels reach normal again.)

                So, I cancelled those tours and set up college visits that did have his field of interest and again, I was interrupting his social life because he didn’t have to see a college to go to it. You read that right. He doesn’t have to see a college in order to attend. Excuse me, what now?

(Deep breath in, trying not to scream in parental frustration)

When he ruled out a college tour because he didn’t want to go see it, I agreed. There were a few reasons he cited for his decision, and they were very sensible. Not to mention, at this point I’m trying not to pull all of my hair out and it seemed like a break was exactly what both of us needed.

Until that college became his number one choice. Yup, the one that he said he probably wouldn’t go to, the one that was the farthest away from home, the one that was “too big”, the one that only has the most basic of degrees for his field of study…that one. Why? Well because his friends are going there of course. Duh.

(Okay, permission to scream in parental frustration granted in three, two, one….)

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Apparently, I am crazy for expecting my child to go to a university that has his degree program when clearly, it’s a matter of socialization. Adding to this problem is that my husband, who was the popular sports jock extraordinaire during his academic years, doesn’t see the problem with this. I am alone on my island of disbelief. A sad sack island with a party of one nerd with her logic and lists and pros and cons.

Said son, who is a Taurus by the way, has dug his heels in about going to this college sight unseen. All attempts to persuade him to consider one of the colleges that have his actual degree (and one that he has actually laid eyes on) have fallen on deaf ears. I have become the unreasonable one since it’s completely normal to follow your friends, like lemmings jumping off a cliff, without regard for practicalities. Basing your college pick on such things as logic and class selection are so yesterday's generation, I guess.

After this experience, I am convinced that teenagers are the reason that so many parents have a mid-life crisis. There’s no way that getting your teenager through this process doesn’t cause some sort of psychological scarring. And if you are a parent that managed to skate through this process unscathed, I have some pretty colorful language to share with you on how I feel about that. Misery loves company and I expect you to have suffered along with the rest of us parents of maddeningly frustrating Gen Z children.

At the very least, you can keep your gloating to yourself.

 

Need another dash of mayhem? Find me on FaceBook at Modern Mom Mayhem.

Occasionally I’m mayhemming on Instagram (@modernmommayhem)

Want to share your mayhem? Send an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com.

Applications Being Rejected in 2025

This year seems to already be a lot, and it’s only January. In order to make it through the rest of the year with my sanity intact, what little is left anyway, here are some things that I’m not accepting for the 2025 season.

1. Workplace drama. Is it just me or did the adults used to be adultier? Maybe it was my childish perspective of looking up to the grown-ups in my life that made them seem so mature and well put together, but those people do not seem to exist anymore. At least in office culture. I used to believe that I was just unfortunate to work in a place that made me feel like I was living in an episode of Degrassi or Beverly Hills 90210. After consultations with other friends and family members, however, I have come to realize that it is the norm for many places of business. Listen, I graduated high school a long time ago. (Ok, ok, a looooong time ago.) I have no desire to be embroiled in the clique wars anymore. I do not get paid enough to do my job AND put up with teenage antics.

                2.  All the “isms”. Sexism, racism, homophobia-ism…I’m not tolerating any of them. In this day and age, you should be accepting of all the types of people that make the world go round. Yes, even the weirdos. Those are the best ones. They add interesting spice to the hum drum boringness of everyday life. If you are a repressed weirdo, stop hiding it. Let that freak flag fly. Only small minded people cannot fathom that your sparkle doesn’t have to dim because they said so. I myself am a Class B weirdo. No really, that’s the official designation. Hopefully I can work my way up to the Class A belt soon. (Keep your fingers crossed for me!)

                3. Internet trolls. You know that expression? “Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one and sometimes they stink.” I am seeing an uptick in the number of keyboard warriors who make it their job to be as cruel and/or as dumb as possible to anyone who has a differing opinion. In case no one ever told you, people CAN have different viewpoints. But people have to people so I end up super annoyed reading dumb ass comments like “You can change the channel” or “You don’t have to listen to that song if you hate it so much”. Thank you, Internet Iris. I never would have known that if you hadn’t so snottily pointed it out. You know what else Iris? People have managed to scroll on without feeling the need to convey every loose thought that pops into their heads. It’s called “self-control”. You should try it sometime.

                4. Cold weather. Enough is enough winter. Like snow and overcast skies aren’t enough to make us all melancholy and dream of the glory days of summer, now you want single digit temperatures and windchill factors? I can only add so many layers until I look like Ralphy’s little brother and while I am not tempted to stick my tongue to any flagpoles, I am beginning to covertly research real estate in warmer climes. And for those Southern regions who recently got snow where they normally don’t: knock it off. Where am I going to run to when it’s teeth chatteringly cold up North if you’re copying our weather?

                5. Idiot drivers. Have you ever been having a pleasant day and then get stuck behind someone who looks like they’re auditioning for the role of the driver in “driving Miss Daisy”? Or behind someone who drives 5 miles under the speed limit, then speeds up, then slows down again, swerves over the middle line for a second, straightens out, speeds up, brakes hard around the teeniest corner, and then has their turn signal on for just shy of 12 city blocks before turning? I think we can all agree on this. If you can’t drive the speed limit or never learned what the stick on the side of the steering column does, you need to just stay home. Or hire yourself a driver who isn’t scared of turn signals and passed the signs portion of the driving test on the first try.

                I am sure I could write a short novel on all of the applications I plan on denying for 2025, but what if I need another idea in the next 11 months? 

                Tell me, what are you throwing out the window for 2025? (Other than sanity, hope and faith in humanity?)

 

Need more of my mayhem? Find me on FaceBook at Modern Mom Mayhem.

Sometimes my mayhem hangs out on Instagram (@modernmommayhem)

Need to spill the tea about your own mayhem? Send an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com. 

Technically Techy and Most Definitely Gadget-y

           I have always been a fan of cool tech innovations and neat little gadgets. If it combines both, and becomes a techy gadget, I pretty much lose my mind. Unfortunately, I’ve always been susceptible to a good sales pitch, which is probably why I’m banned from infomercials in my house. But who doesn’t like products designed to make things easier, faster, or more convenient? You’d have to be a simpleton not to appreciate a time saver, and hey, if you are that’s perfectly fine. I’m just saying that my mama didn’t raise no fools. (At least none that I will admit to on a public forum!)

For instance, the lights in my bedroom are hooked up to a smart plug. This genius invention allows me to boss Alexa around and she will turn the light off at night so I don’t have to get out of the cozy blankets. (NY in winter can be pretty chilly.) I mean, lazy sure, but also a modern technological miracle. There’s no limit to what I could hook up to that smart plug. Well, I mean, that specific one only has a single receptacle, but there are more that could be purchased.

Which leads me to the real problem.  I have my own disposable income now. When we were younger, just staring out, and living paycheck to paycheck, I didn’t buy these nifty gizmos because they were not in the budget. Now that my husband and I make a healthy wage, there is extra money that can be thrown at these companies who take ingenuity and pair it with a dream, a patent, and a product. I am basically Shark Tank’s target market. I’m the sucker that would buy what those imaginations have concocted that they try to sell to the investors.

Actually, now that I think about it, there’s a second part of the problem and it is my unfettered access to the internet. That’s right folks, I carry the internet with me wherever I go, right in my pocket. Uh, purse. It’s a real problem to have such easy access to all my shopping apps. And because I am compulsively organized, of course I have a handy dandy folder conveniently labeled “Shopping”. Who doesn’t do that? Besides 89% of the entire world that is.

If you check my Amazon cart’s “Saved for later” section, you’ll find an entire hodge podge of things that I want, gifts to get for family so I don’t forget, or things that I can’t talk myself into just yet. (Usually due to the price because I am a cheap bitch.) I am just one Birthday/Christmas/Anniversary gift card away from a surprise gift to myself that I have squirreled away in a digital cart somewhere.

So, if your guilty pleasure is also tech gadgets, just know that you are not alone. Also know that I always want to know if you found something cool. Like always. Anytime. Day or night. Shoot me a message. A paper airplane. A smoke signal. Just TELL ME.

 

 

Need another dose of mayhem? Find me on FaceBook at Modern Mom Mayhem.

I occasionally post mayhem on Instagram (@modernmommayhem)

Need to dish about your own mayhem? Send an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com.

Brushing Up on My Map Making Skills

               As a proud Generation X, I admit that I don’t always understand or agree with these younger generation’s methods and madness. Like the whole work life balance thing? Where they refuse to kill themselves at a job in order to maintain a healthy balance between work and play…um, excuse me?? Where is the part where you kill yourself for years at this job, barely appreciated, until you one day make a comfortable wage and have outlasted all the curmudgeons who finally retired so that your office environment isn’t a pit of vipers anymore? As born and bred workaholics, we find the concept of a work life balance as a novelty idea that clearly doesn’t apply to us. There is just too much work to be done.

                One area where they do excel is, and I have a lot of admiration for, is their ability to draw hard lines in the sand. They are really out here drawing up boundaries like Rand McNally mapping out the road atlas. This new generation is forcing people to respect their limits and they have no qualms about cutting off toxicity at the root, even if it’s family. This is where Gen X, and many Millennials even, struggle. See, we were raised with the saying that “blood is thicker than water”, which loosely translates to “Of course you have to deal with their shit, they’re blood.” I’m not talking about “Aunt Cathy has a creepy precious moments porcelain doll collection but we look the other way because it’s a quirk”. No, I’m talking about “Of course your relatives will guilt, gaslight, and emotionally abuse you, but you will deal with it because we aren’t raising no sissies in this house.”

(Seriously, sometimes I wonder what the hell our parents were thinking when they were raising us. But that’s another blog for another day.)

                A few years ago I started to channel that boundary energy, although it came with a truckload of guilt. (Another generational trip wire that us X’ers get hung up on.) After decades of being a people pleasing doormat, I started to get a little bit of a backbone. It was slow growing though, so it looked funny for a few years. Misshapen and bent, a little sad and stunted, but I kept plugging along and holding my ground like these younger groups are teaching us.

                And then my daughter passed away.

                I have found a lot of perspective since her death. I find myself matching energies now. I don’t go out of my way anymore, trying to mend fractured relationships and friendships when they are floundering. Because there was one very important thing that I learned these last few months and it’s this: Those who want to be in your life will find a way to connect. It won’t be a one-sided relationship where you are the only one making the effort or making the contact. If they care about you, and they haven’t heard from you, they’ll reach out and make sure everything is ok. If you’re lucky, you’ll ave a few people who refuse to let you go into that dark night without a fight.

Another important thing that I have learned is that the family you surround yourself with might not be blood, but the family that you’ve chosen for yourself. And that is ok too. I spent many years trying to have relationships with people out of familial obligation. It was exhausting trying to convince myself that a relationship with these people, who didn’t care about me at all, was worth the time and effort. Once I gave myself permission to let them go and not feel guilty about it, it was extremely satisfying and freeing. (Ok, ok, not so much on the not feeling guilty thing. That’s still a work in progress. But the guilt is not crippling now, just slightly suffocating. See? Progress.)

We only have a finite amount of time on the planet. (Unless the ocean aliens are here to provide us with the formula for immortality?? No? Eh, it was worth a shot.) I am not going to apologize for choosing to spend that finite time with people who love me unconditionally, those who make time for me, and those who have the same sarcastic snark humor as I do. And vice versa because I’m not reverse typing that whole thing out again.

Also, I am done apologizing for not liking tacos. I’m sorry but it’s just not my thing. Get over it. Aw dang it, that was an apology. I take it back. I'm not sorry it's not my thing. So there.

 

Love Modern Mom Mayhem? Find me on FaceBook!  (Modern Mom Mayhem)

If you have 30 seconds to scroll, check my Instagram (@modernmommayhem)

Got a tragic toxic family story of your own to share? Send an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com.

I Can't Find the Off Switch

I’ve been a mom for (indistinct mumbling) years now and it’s gotten to the point where I am not sure I can turn it off. Sure, I still have kids at home that need all the mothering, but what about when it spills over into other areas of your life?

Got a problem? Like Vanilla Ice, Yo I’ll solve it! Need a random parenting tip that I’ve learned in my (indistinct mumbling) of experienced parenting years? Gotcha covered. Need a recipe for a picky eater? No, seriously, anyone got one? This kid is killing me here. Oh wait, are you hungry? I’ll just whip up something really quick for you. No, no, it’s no trouble at all.

Women are always worried about having that maternal instinct when they have children. We worry that we won’t have it, that we won’t bond with our child, or that we won’t know what’s best for our children. No one ever talks about what to do when you’ve developed too much maternal instinct though. Is there an off switch? Can I reset to the default settings if I unplug it and plug it back in? Is there an upgraded model that maybe doesn’t run on such a high setting?

You'd think that knowing the fact that I am a “nurturer” would help. Yet it’s like someone turned the settings to autopilot and the switch is stuck there. There’s just something about the oldest daughter/over achieving/Taurus combination that makes it a permanent feature. The switch has on and onner. (More on? Mostest on?)

Sadly, it’s not even reserved for just the people I know. Are we in a grocery store and you can’t reach something on that higher shelf? Here, let me get that for you. Are you older and struggling to bring your shopping cart back? I’ll take that, you have a nice day now. Do you need directions to a restaurant in town? You just take a left at the light and go three blocks until you see the Walmart sign and it’s on the right.

There have been times when I am convinced that I should have been born in the Midwest, doncha know. That’s the level of helpfulness that I am attaining some days. And if it’s not trying to be helpful that’s killing me, it’s the inability to say no that might. What's that? You need volunteers for that committee? Sure, I can help. You need donors for that fundraiser? Let me get my wallet. Need 8 dozen cookies made for a school function during the week when I already have no time? Absolutely hon, not a problem at all. I can sleep when I die. You need a kidney? Well, I do have an extra one that I'm not using (much).

Is there a support group for this? And if not, should I form one?

"Hello all. Welcome to our weekly meeting of OMM Anonymous. We have a new member tonight. Would you like to introduce yourself to the group?"

"Hi, I'm Kathleen and I'm an overmothering mom."

(group greeting) "Hi Kathleen."

"It all started on D day...Delivery day..."

Wait a minute, what was I thinking? I don't have time to form a support group. I have too much achieving to, er, achieve. Maybe next week then. Right now I have to add over committing and under sleeping to this life's to-do list.

 

 

Want an extra scoop of mayhem? Check FaceBook (Modern Mom Mayhem)

Or add just a dollop of mayhem on Instagram (@modernmommayhem)

Want to spill the mayhem tea? Email modernmommayhem@gmail.com.

A Quick PSA For Sports Parents

                School is in the air again and you know what that means…no time to breathe between work schedules, sports schedules, and playing parent taxi to the pint size piranhas who live with you. Down becomes up, up becomes down, and the flipping equinoxes are wreaking havoc on your sleep schedules. Ahh…the good times we will look back on fondly one day, am I right?

But right now, I’m not going to lie, it kinda (totally) sucks.

                It’s not just because we are spending most of our free time in a car on the way to practice or a game, or spending more time in a car returning from a practice or a game. It’s not juggling schedules of multiple sports kids and trying to shove dinner down their throat at either 3:30 or 8:30. It’s not even being so exhausted that your eye bags have their own set of bags. It’s the damn whacked out sports parents. (Plus all the things I mentioned before too. But mostly the parents.)

Because I was a nerd growing up, I didn’t have the exposure to the athletic world that has become my life as the mom of two sporty boys. So I don’t know if there have been generations of A-hole sports parents or if this is a new trend singular to the meaner era we are currently living in. (THAT is a whole other blog post someday.) Is there a handbook for dummies for nerd parents who breed jocks? If there is, I haven’t come across it yet. How about a cliff’s notes version? Cheat sheet?

As it’s fall, soccer season is in full swing. Both child number 3 and 4 play. One is in varsity high school soccer. The other is on a grade 5/6 travel team. I haven’t noticed a lot of the BS from the younger kid’s games. The varsity games however, are “off the chain” as the kids are apt to say. (Like a decade ago because slang moves faster than the speed of light and I’m old and hold onto old terms that tickle my fancy. For proof see: “tickle my fancy”.) If you’ve never had the pleasure of sitting at a high school sporting event amongst a bunch of overzealous douche canoe sports parents, I highly un-recommend it. It’s kind of tragic. And definitely not for the faint of heart.

Now, I want you to keep in mind that these are adults. Grown ass men and women who act like their kid walks on water and cannot ever be called on a foul or whatever the ref is saying down there. I just know he blows the whistle and half the crowd will boo while the other half clap. Now, I myself have indulged in ref bashing, but all in good humor and only because they are all like 230 years old and can’t hear what I am saying anyway. I think that dissing the ref calls is standard protocol for all sports events. It’s probably in some how-to-sports handbook. What isn’t in the handbook though, is making derogatory comments about the KIDS who are playing the game. I’m not talking about the “he got a little handsy there” or “I think number 12 is pushing a lot tonight”. No, I mean the parents who will call the kids names (moron, dumbass, idiot etc.) or say mean things about a TEENAGER who is participating in a high school athletic competition. I’d like to say that this is a gross over embellishment and I’ve never seen it happen. I’d also like to say that I didn’t know the kid it was said about, or that he is one of the nicest kids I’ve ever met. I’d ALSO like to say I punched that imbecile parent in his mouth. Sadly, however, I cannot say any of those things.

But let me reiterate this part if you didn’t catch it: IT’S. A. HIGH. SCHOOL. SPORTS. COMPETITION.

Your kid aint going pro Lucinda. They are not being scouted by David Beckham’s agent and they are definitely not going to be the next Pele or Messi. (Do you like how I worked the knowledge of the only 3 soccer players I know in there?) You’ll be lucky if they continue playing through college. Even if they do, they probably aren’t going to make time for it on the weekends once their 9-5 kicks in and they become members of the sad adulthood membership that no one wants and yet are anyway. If they were going to go pro, do you think they’d thank you for being the jerk causing a ruckus in the stands? Here’s an idea: Why don’t we stop perpetuating the overzealous doucheyness and just be supportive and practice good sportsmanship? Is that so much to ask?

So Ben, back off. Calm your tits Tiffani with an i. It’s just a bunch of kids kicking a ball up and down the field. Take a chill pill. No literally. Take a Xanax or something.

 

Love Modern Mom Mayhem? Find me on FaceBook!  (Modern Mom Mayhem)

If you have 3.5 minutes to scroll, check my Instagram (@modernmommayhem)

Got a sports event epic battle of your own to share? Send an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com.

How to Introvert

Introverts are going to take over the world someday.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Just kidding! Unless it’s happening from the safety of home over a zoom meeting, the world is safe from an introvert takeover.

There are a lot of misconceptions floating around regarding introverts. I think that term has become synonymous with anti-social. That’s really not true. (Well, mostly.) We are as social as anyone else. We will just need to leave earlier so that we can find some peace, quiet and 5 minutes (or hours) to hear our own thoughts. What, you'd like to know more about that shy, solitary animal known as the introvert? I thought you'd never ask! May I present:

A Guide for Introverting

You must love your own company. I have met people who are unable to be alone. Like EVER. They need people around all the time. I don’t understand this. I love being alone. Quiet does not intimidate me, it rejuvenates me. It puts the pep in my step and the twinkle in my eye. Some people need a three ring circus all the time. I need a circus that went out of business due to a huge clown scandal and is now abandoned.

You must have introvert hobbies. Much like enjoying our own company, introverts also have a variety of hobbies suited to our solitude. This is why you see us enjoying solo activities like reading, writing, gardening, quilting, podcast/audiobook listening, or tv watching. We can amuse ourselves for hours on end without human interaction. In fact, our happy place almost always includes a secluded place where we can while away hours pursuing these hobbies. Don’t worry, we will come up for air and be social again…eventually. (There's a greater possibility of this happening if there's food involved though.)

You must be a great listener. Introverts can be Chatty Cathys (or Chatty Chads), but we also can be amazing listeners. If you need someone to vent to, we are the ones who have your back. Spew all that workplace vitriol and feel better about yourself for having a safe space to get it all out. We won’t judge, believe me, we’ve met “people”. And we’re generally not big fans. We will probably be impressed that you kept that volcano inside for as long as you did without going on a punching spree.

You have a small group of friends. When you’re an introvert, you don’t need scads of people in your circle. In fact, your circle will probably be small and contain a handful of close, trusted individuals. We are loyal to those we deem “our people” however and have no issues becoming the problem if you mess with someone we love.

You’re creative and/or are a problem solver. Is it because we spend so much time in our heads that we can come up with creative outlets and solutions? Maybe. Is that is why we tend to like making art or music or writing? Again, it’s possible. When you become one with the gray matter you’re hauling around upstairs (I mean your head, not like jars in the attic. Gross.) you can untangle those puzzling matters easier than one who hasn’t even met their brain. (That’s probably less an introvert thing than having to deal with stupid people though.)

You like socializing in small doses. Even the most reclusive of souls need to “people” occasionally. While we may not party hardy every single weekend, we have been known to cut a rug every now and again. Sure our social battery drains faster than a late model iPhone in dire need of upgrade, but we earn bonus points for every hour we can manage to stay upright and not melt into an overstimulated puddle of human.

If you can relate to these, congratulations! Your introvert application has been approved. We will send the zoom link for next month’s World Domination Planning Meeting to the email address provided on the application. Happy Introverting!

 

Love Sarcastic Mayhem? Find me on FaceBook at Modern Mom Mayhem.

Do u\you like scrolling? Check out the 'Gram  (@modernmommayhem)

Want to share your mayhem? Send an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com.

My Theories Could Use a Conspiracy

          Comedian Ron Funches has a monologue (Skit? Set? Bit?) where he’s talking about someone who doesn’t believe in conspiracy theories and he replies, “I understand not believing in ALL of them, but you don’t believe in ANY of them? You think that the government is just batting a thousand?”

If you have never heard it, it’s quite funny. Not only because it’s true, but also because Funches has delivery and comedic timing down to a T. While I am not a tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist, I do enjoy a good conspiracy. Maybe it’s my love of spooky, paranormal crap. Or perhaps it’s because they’re interesting. Whatever the reason, I do enjoy some of them.

Now, before you come for me, I’m not talking about the whacked ones. I don’t think that Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson are still alive and in hiding. I’m not claiming the moon landing was fake or that the Government is hiding proof of aliens…oh wait, that one was actually on 2023’s bingo card. Scratch that. All I’m saying is that a well thought out, coincidental conspiracy theory adds a little spice to life. Some je ne sais quoi if you will. (I think that's French for "all that and a bag of chips".)

The idea that is currently holding me enthralled is that The Simpson’s, you know the animated show that’s been on since the 1900’s, has some sort of predictive superpowers. They are apparently the Nostradamus of cartoons. And while it may sound too crazy to be true, the parallels that I have seen have truly induced a thought provoking “well I’ll be darned” and even a “That’s just crazy!”.

Now whether or not this is just some creative editing, I don’t know. The point of a conspiracy is that you can’t look too closely under the surface lest you burst the belief bubble with too many facts. I don’t want to ruin the intrigue with evidence or any contrary thoughts. I just want to revel in the wonder that there’s someone on the Simpson’s writing staff having psychic episodes and predicting things that actually happen.

Picture it: Writer guy is sitting, stumped, at his desk, hoping for some inspiration. All of a sudden he goes into a fugue state and when he emerges, an entire episode has been mapped out.

Or perhaps its writer chick with a keen third eye that she’s repressed her whole life. She’s aways had “feelings” but has always chalked it up to intuition. Writing is her passion and despite her predictions coming true multiple times she’s still unaware of her goddess like powers because she’s pretty much a hermit and often works remotely from home.

(Uh, yeah, so I like to read fiction…probably not apparent though, right?)

This has all the makings of a perfect conspiracy recipe. A little mysticism, a pinch of uncertainty, and just enough realism to make even the most diehard cynic have a kernel of doubt. At the very least, it beats the Covid-vaccine-tracking-device conspiracy theory, right?

 

Want extra mayhem? Find me on FaceBook at Modern Mom Mayhem.

Sometimes I post mayhem on Instagram too (@modernmommayhem)

Need to spill the tea on your mayhem? Send an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com.

Just Give Me a Quiet Place to Lose My Sh!t

           The mood is somber here at triple M today. It’s been 9 days since my daughter unexpectedly left us from what we believe to be an undiagnosed cardiac issue. It’s been 9 days since I lost one fourth of my heart.

            I am from the generation that was told, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you a reason to cry.” The generation taught that tears were a weakness, and feelings were for sissies. The generation where it was the oldest child’s responsibility to set an example for their siblings. We were raised to shove those pesky feelings down so deep that we wouldn’t be able to find them with a map and a microscope.

            After the initial shock and the rivers of (sissy) tears of that first day, I found myself to be almost numb. Everyone expected me to be a sobbing mess on the floor, but it’s hard to fall apart when you’ve lived so long being told to hold it together. Even if you’re only held together by duct tape and sheer strength of will. Humor is the crutch holding me upright. I lean on it pretty hard. “How can you joke at a time like this?” Because if I don’t laugh, I’ll crumble into 1,000 pieces.

And oldest daughters don’t break.

After the shock came the decision fatigue. You don’t realize how much has goes into the planning of a funeral. Obituary, prayer cards, burial versus cremation, flowers, headstones, burial plots...it’s a lot. I survived those first few days by checking items off a list. But at the end of the day, I felt like one more decision to make might have just sent me over the edge. If you had asked me if I wanted chocolate ice cream or strawberry, it probably would have short circuited my brain.

We have been fortunate enough to have a beautiful support system of family, friends and co-workers. Many times over the past week we were told “If you need anything, please let me know.” Which would be great if we knew what we needed. But we didn’t. We still don’t. We are taking everything one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. We are Dory and tell ourselves to just keep swimming.

“Please let me know if there’s anything you need.”

I need my child. I need a lifetime more of memories. I need to see their face every Sunday at the dinner table. I need song recommendations and Tik Toks sent at 1 AM. I need a time machine so that I can go back and hold on to that last hug a little longer.

But I can’t say that.

So instead, I smile and say, “Thank you.”  

My oldest son, who was closest to his sister, said he was angry that the world has continued in her absence. When answering work call questions, he wants to ask, “Haven’t you heard the news?” And I get it. Because our world has ceased to be the same. We have to find our new normal. We envy those who haven’t had a catastrophic event turn everything upside down.

So I put on my brave face for the world. The one that says “Yes, I will survive this tragedy.” I will try to find out how to live in a world without that beautiful soul that should be here. I will try not to be angry with a deity that would take a life so young, one that had barely lived. And I will try to find a quiet place to grieve and cry my sissy tears.  

 

 

Need more mayhem in your life? Find me on FaceBook (modernmommayhem)

Much, much more mayhem? Occasionally I remember I’m on Instagram (@modernmommayhem)

Want to share your parental anecdotes or inspire a future blog? You can email me at modernmommayhem@gmail.com.