Posts
June is Pride Month, a time when we
celebrate the LGBTQIA+ community and all of their accomplishments. Although
this month is a time that makes many people, especially certain political
factions, extremely uncomfortable, I can promise you that I would never judge
anyone based on their gender or sexual orientation.
Don’t nominate me for Sainthood
just yet. I can promise you that I am not even close to that bar. While I won’t
judge you for being a member of the LGBTQIA alphabet, here are some things I
WILL judge you for. Apologies in advance for anyone lacking the thick skin of
the Gen X generation….NOT!
1.) Being a shitty person in
general. This is probably not specific to just me. I am sure that pretty
much any decent human would despise someone for their overall shittiness factor.
If your main personality is jerk, then I’m judging you pretty harshly. Also,
I’m praying fervently that karma kicks your ass sooner rather than later.
Sometimes she really needs to up her timetable on serving those just desserts.
2.) The music that you listen
to. Yeah, I get it, we all have different tastes in music. That doesn’t
mean that I am not mentally rolling my eyes at anyone who listens to country
music. I question everyday why y’all might like that twangy stuff, because the
extent of my Southern living is the use of the word y’all. Oh, and a lot of
their food. Their music might not agree with me but their food sure does.
Additionally, the groupies for the Super popular music groups are also a “no
thank you”. If you tell me that your favorite artist is T-Swift, Jelly Roll, or
Sleep Token, I am going to assume that you’ve made many other questionable life
choices. If you tell me that your favorite band is some obscure Indie band that
I’ve never heard of, I’m going to give you props for being comfortable in your strangeness
to love what you love without apologies.
3.) The clothes that you wear.
This seems superficial and shitty of me and brings me close to breaking #1
listed above, I know. But to be honest, I don’t want to hang out with someone
who wears next to nothing and has something (top or bottom) close to falling
out. If you aren’t comfortable in loose clothing or band tees, who hurt you and
were they wearing sequins or shoulder pads? And while we are on the subject of
band tees…. If you don’t listen to the band, why do you have the shirt? This
should be prohibited post haste. The fashion police should arrest you
immediately if you are wearing a band’s shirt if you don’t have at least a
dozen songs of theirs cycling through your playlist.
4.) If you think your children haven’t
secretly formed a cult with other children and their goal is to make you insane.
Yeah, I know, I sound like I’m ready for a tinfoil hat, right? But there
are some people who think that their children can do no wrong, ever! I call
bullshit on this because if you have never whispered “jerk” behind your kid’s
back when they’re in their mean era or asked your partner why your kid is such
an asshole, are you even a parent? If you’ve never rolled your eyes at them when
they’ve activated super brat mode, how do you know you’re doing it right? And I
don’t care what people say, but kids are feral little heathens. We are allowed
to both love and dislike them at the same time. If you’ve ever had a teenager
(or even a pre-teen “tween”), then you know how you can want to hug them one
second and throttle them the next. I am convinced that these kids are given
courses somewhere, from toddler tantrums to teenage eyerolls, because no one
can push our buttons faster. I am pretty sure that yoga and meditation were
invented by an overstressed, on the edge mom somewhere. Also, and I can’t
stress this enough, parents can call their own children jerks, but if anyone
else does it, you are allowed to throat-punch them. (Please double check that
though, I am not sure it’s entirely legal in your state. In fact, I might have
to double check my own state now that I think about it.) The only exception to
this is if you got a miracle kid who really was the best child ever. Please be
aware though, that I have only known less than a handful of these children in
all of my forty plus years on this earth. They are rare like unicorns and movies
based on books that nail the casting in real life.
5.) If your phone is not on
silent. This one should be self-explanatory but I will explanatory anyway.
I don’t want to hear your tikka tikka taps of your texting. I don’t want to
hear the dings of received emails. For the love of all that’s holy, turn your
phone sound off like the rest of us. While we are at it, take your damn conversation
of speaker phone. We don’t care what you are planning for dinner. The only
exception to this is if you have good tea to spill. Like your neighbor is
suspected of murder and you have a juicy story that’s corroborating that. Then,
by all means, please continue.
6.) If you don’t drink coffee.
Yes, I will probably chuckle like this is super normal but know that inside I
think you’re a flipping weirdo. No way around it. Coffee is heaven and earth
and life itself and the fact that you don’t want or need it in your life is
flabbergasting. (My best friend does not drink coffee and I have wondered every
day of the last 20 years how she manages life in general.) And no, iced coffee
doesn’t count. I don’t care if it’s 90 degrees out, drink your hot coffee like
a man, dammit! (Or like a caffeine slave with a love of hot beverages. Same
thing.)
I know you’re probably thinking
that I should be less judgmental. And I would agree with you except that, every
five years or so, I audition for the role of crotchety old lady. And every time,
they say I'm not quite right for the role but give me pointers on how to play the
part better next time. I’m not seasoned enough quite yet but I know if I keep believing
in my persnickety crankiness, that I will land that roll in like 15-20 years
tops.
Need another d of mayhem? Find me
on FaceBook at Modern Mom Mayhem.
Occasionally I remember to mayhem
on Instagram (@modernmommayhem)
Have your own mayhem? Send
an email to modernmommayhem@gmail.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment