Guys And Their Junk

Why is it that guys always have to have their hands on their "junk"? Is it reassuring to know that it's still there? Is it habit? Are they aware that they have  a deep, psychological need to touch the twig and berries every 75 seconds?

You don't see women doing this. Maybe the difference is that our junk is an "innie" and guys is an "outie"? Although, women still have breasts and you don't see us adjusting our bra cups every half hour or pulling on our nipples. We're okay with our boobs just being, am I right? We know that we put 'em on every morning because they never go anywhere. Sure, they might shift the direction of their gaze from "straight ahead Captain" to "I'm making sure your path on the floor is illuminated my friend". But they're always there.

So, is it a reassurance thing for guys? That they just have to know nothing has fallen off and dropped out the bottom of their pants leg when no one was looking? Because this leads me to ask: Has this been a problem from previous generations that was passed down the line? "Well son, you have to make sure that your wrench and sockets are still where they need to be every so often because Uncle Johnny's fell right off and he lost it! Didn't even know til he went to take a leak two hours later. Tragic."

My second question would be: When exactly is this training taking place? I have yet to see my husband have the Uncle Johhny talk with my baby boy and yet even he occasionally has to check that things are still there. And he's only six!

So maybe it's a caveman response? "Uh, feel good to touch small stick between walking sticks?" Ugh, I can't even go there. That means there are millions of cavemen like men out there playing with the pretzel and peanuts just for the hell of it. (Everyone knows cavemen sell car insurance!) I'm going to choose to think it's a matter of comforting oneself to know that they aren't missing any vital parts.

I asked an expert on the situation: My husband. (I figure heaving the equipment in question makes him more of an expert than I can be without it at least. Besides, he gets to be an expert without years of training and studying so it's a bonus for him too.) He says guys are "adjusting" themselves. Um, ok. I guess since I don't have floppy bits in my drawers, I can't comprehend the need to rearrange things in there. Even if I could comprehend it, why is there a need for so much rearranging? You'd think that this universal problem would be addressed and corrected by the United Council of All Things Guy Related. (They have that, right?) Perhaps some under garments that are comfortable and leave you confident enough not to have to move things around every so often. That could even be their slogan. "Underwear that leave men confident enough that he doesn't have to touch his Johnson every 30 seconds!" I think it's a wiener. I mean winner.

So ladies, if you're married to an Al Bundy and worry that your man loves his recliner and having his hand down his pants just a little too much, don't despair. There's a meeting of The Council next week to discuss the issue. I'm sure we're just one catchy slogan away from the problem being solved.