If You Want Me To Glow, Give Me a Damn Glow Stick

Don't you love how people say that pregnant women "glow"? I think it ended up being something nice that people could say that wouldn't make the hormonally challenged gestating woman cry or punch you in the face. (Hey, YOU try having a surplus of chemicals swirling in your body for nine months and not turn into The Hulk.)

Honestly, I just want to know how they managed to come up with that specific term. If you want me to glow during pregnancy, give me one of those glow stick necklaces or dip me in a vat of radioactive goo. Because if there is one thing I am not managing to do during pregnancy, it's glowing. Bloating? Sure. Floating in urine, or so it feels like at least. Absolutely. But glowing? Not so much.

In fact, I am probably the antithesis of glowing right now. I feel so un-glowy that I should get automatic rights to hate any pregnant woman who does fit the description. Just on principle. Any woman who's barely making it through the procreation process should be able to hate the women who float through 40 weeks of pregnancy with barely a hiccup and can wear their pre-preggers jeans home from the hospital deserve the derision of us poor, pathetic women whose fetuses drain every iota of beauty and humanity from us.

Now, before you think I'm cruel for hating on the Disney princess type women who sail through the miracle creating process, let me explain something. All my pregnancies came with super fun things like: bloating, , nausea, morning sickness, gassiness, fetus feet jammed in ribs, morning sickness, some more nausea, indigestion, headaches, tums by the gallon, swollen everything, water retention, and oh, some nausea and morning sickness. I think that qualifies me to lament the total lack of Stepford-ness in my pregnancies.

If, however, you do meet one of these wrung out, strung out, exhausted gestating creatures, do not, under any circumstances mention her limp hair, ruddy skin, or circles under her eyes. Don't ask if she's obviously exhausted from making midnight (and 3 am and 6 am) bathroom trips or give tips to help with her oily/dry/blemished skin. Do not say stupid, insensitive things like, "Wow! You got huge!" or "You look really tired today." or "Are you sure you're not having twins?" Don't mention the machine gun walking farts coming from her maternity tent pants because she can't help that pregnancy brings some super tooting abilities. Don't ask if she showered today because her hair looks like it was in a fight with a 90 degree humid day and lost.

With all the don'ts, you might wonder what IS safe to say to someone who is hormonally challenged. Say lovely things like, 'Wow, you're pregnant? I didn't even know!" or "You make pregnancy look good!" or "Those maternity jeans make your ass look fantastic!" Yes, we give you permission to lie. Anything to boost our self esteem. Believe me, the next person who would have been blubbered on/yelled at/punched in the forehead will definitely thank you for your consideration.