Mrs. Judge, Jury, and Complete Asshat

So apparently there's a lady in South Dakota with a soapbox and a giant stick up her ass handing out judgement letters. Oh, if only I were making this up. This woman has decided to give children she deems "moderately obese" a letter condemning the slacking parents instead of the expected candy for their Halloween trick or...no, wait, that's just a trick, no treat.

I'm not sure exactly what qualifies this woman to judge other children who she probably doesn't even know (I don't know how small of a town she lives in) but she must feel that she is indeed qualified to lay down the law for these tubby toddlers and chubby children. She must have gotten her degree in Child Dream Ruining to want to traumatize these kids who only want to get candy on Halloween. That's all they want. To  play dress up, run up and ring people's doorbells, say "Trick or Treat", and be rewarded with a bounty of candy bars, skittles, and gum. It's pretty simple to them. Are they gluttonous heathens who will hoard their stash of candy and lie to their parents about brushing their teeth "extra specially good"? Of course. It's what generations of children have done before them and will probably continue for many more generations.

What's next? Teeth inspection? "Ok you little punk, you're not overweight but let's see how well you've been taking care of those teeth! I want a no cavity certificate from your dentist before I'll part with this miniature milky way." Or perhaps growth charts? "Well, you seem a little on the small side for 7. Better not risk any extra caffeinated chocolate products to stunt your growth further." Got braces? "Well, your parents are spending an awful lot of money on your teeth. I'm not going to rot them by giving you candy. Your parents shouldn't even be letting you have candy considering the mint they're paying to straighten your teeth."

I know, as a parent, I'm supposed to teach my kids to better than this type of person. Since they aren't here, however, let me say that I hope this woman's house got egged, TP'ed, AND slathered in a dozen cans of shaving cream on cabbage night. I hope she sits in her self righteous stew of indignation, bemoaning her fate "just because she was honest." When are people going to learn that there's being honest and then there's just plain being spiteful? Because let's face it, if she was truly concerned about obesity in America, ALL the kids knocking on her door would be getting the same treatment. Instead, she's singled out the ones she thinks are overweight and is making them feel like crap. Which is probably completely new to them. I'm sure they aren't picked on at school, or maybe even home. They aren't self conscious and will eventually grow up to have body image issues. No, I'm sure this will all roll off their tiny, child sized backs and they'll learn a valuable lesson from this "honest" letter and it will make them change their entire way of life.

I wish I lived in that South Dakota town because even though my children wouldn't qualify for one of her "special letters", I would leave this asshat woman a letter of my own. This is how it would read:

Dear Overly Judgmental Zealot,

Thank you so much for the inspiring words that you have decided to impart to the children of our town. I'm sure that your hurtful words haven't scarred them in the least bit. Especially Johnny Jones who has a thyroid condition, or Amy Smith who is eating her way through her hurt feelings over her parents divorce. I know that these children are thrilled to find an adult who will be "honest" with them and completely crap all over the one good holiday they've had since Easter.

I think it is fair that you get to ruin their childhood with memories of hurtful words concerning their appearance. Because it's what's on the outside that counts, right? Not how good of a person you are, how much charity you might do, or how much money you donate to good causes. No, it's completely how you look that matters in this world. Personally, I just want to thank you for teaching my child this valuable lesson.

Oh, and I'm sorry to hear that your house was egged tomorrow night. Such a shame that people can be so juvenile, don't you think?

Signed,
A Grateful Parent

Thanks for your totally unsolicited opinion! Really appreciate it!