Goodbye 2020, and Good Riddance!

 

Well people, we did it. We made it to the last day of 2020. Tomorrow will dawn on the first day of 2021, and while Coronavirus won’t magically have disappeared, we have one thing that was sadly lacking in 2020: HOPE. That’s right, the Corona virus vaccine fosters hope for a better year. One that may even include a vacation. Do you remember vacations? I don’t mean sitting at home for a week just to use up time that you have to use before the end of the year, I mean actual vacations. Like getting to go somewhere other than your backyard. Sigh….I’ve really missed vacations.

Unfortunately, they are saying that it may take years before we see any results because of the number of people who are reticent about getting the vaccine. Because of course. This is why America can’t have nice things. All of the people who act like spoiled toddlers throwing Mom’s knick knacks and smashing them on the floor. Here are some of the arguments that I have heard are being used against getting the vaccine:

                “If they haven’t found a cure for cancer in all these years, I certainly can’t trust that they have found an effective vaccine for Corona virus in just a year.” Really dude? It’s called THE ENTIRE PHARMACEUTICAL COMMUNITY WAS WORKING ON THE SAME PROBLEM AT THE SAME TIME. Also, gobs of money were being thrown into funding the vaccine for this ONE VIRUS. There was no split concentration. No focusing on multiple projects at once. The entire world stopped and threw their weight behind finding a covid vaccine. This just shows you how much we, as a nation, could actually accomplish if we weren’t always divided on everything all the time. Or even a world as a whole. Teamwork makes the dream work baby and this just goes to show you that it actually works. Now if we could just get on the same page about global warming. 

    And do we really think that the people who are using this excuse would actually take a cancer vaccine if it was available tomorrow? No, they’d probably say something like, “Well, it took so many years to come up with it that I can’t trust that it works. I mean, if it were that simple, wouldn’t they have found it years ago?” These are probably the people that are never happy unless they have something to complain about.

“I don’t want the government tracking me.” Oh good Lord. This is what happens when people only skim articles or eavesdrop on half of a conversation. We’ve been over this people, it’s tracking the distribution of the vaccine, not putting a tracking chip in your arm. For frick’s sake, it took an entire population looking for an answer to this problem, do you really think they are organized enough to track billions of people? Just the sheer manpower required to log this data would be a decades long project. It took six months to decide to give Americans $600. (Oh wait, that’s not even a sure thing yet so probably even longer.) I’m pretty sure we’re safe from being tracked by THE MAN. Though, these are probably the same people who search for Area 51, wear tinfoil hats to prevent being beamed up to the mothership, and think that the static from radio waves is an alien race trying to communicate with us, so I’m not sure we can put much stock in their opinions.

“They came up with the virus so fast that they cut corners. It’s not safe.” See above reference to combined brain power and funding. Just because they came up with it quickly, it doesn’t mean that the government would allow the cutting of any corners. Guidelines still had to be adhered to and trials still needed 2 months of data before they could even think about asking for permission to manufacture the vaccine. Read that part again. They needed TWO MONTHS OF DATA before they would be GRANTED PERMISSION to manufacture the vaccine. Mom wouldn’t let them go outside to play until their room was cleaned AND inspected by her. So it’s not a matter of being unsafe, it’s a matter of having the most brilliant minds in their field working towards a common goal. Of course, these people also probably complain about having to wear a mask because it’s repressing their civil liberties, yet pooh pooh a solution that is working towards being able to get rid of said masks.

“I’ll get Corona virus from the vaccine.” This would be true if any of the vaccines contained the live virus. Since it doesn’t, it’s not a factor. These are probably the anti-vaxxers who still believe that vaccines cause autism, even though that was soundly disproven.

“I don’t put unknown chemicals into my body.” These crunchy granola types are only believable if you tell me they don’t eat processed food, tried pop rocks as a kid, drink soda, take a prescription medication for any reason, or partied in the woods as teenagers. If you’ve done, or still do, any of these things, then I believe the word that you are looking for is “hypocrite”. These people probably advocate herd immunity by having large gatherings and letting “nature take its course”.

Listen, don’t think that I am saying that you have to get the vaccine or you’re wrong. If you don’t want to get it, that’s your prerogative. I’m just saying that you can’t use some asinine BS theory to fuel your decision. Do some actual homework man. Find some research that supports your hypothesis. Research that is based in science and facts. Don’t listen to FOX news and hear half an opinion from some rando politician and form a half-baked theory that you then spread to more gullible saps who don’t know how to work the internet (or the card catalog, if you’re old school). As for me, I will probably opt to get the vaccine. Once the 4.2 billion people in line ahead of me get theirs that is. Until then, I guess I’ll just wear the mask and pray to the vacation Gods.

 

 

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Our Children: The Great Time Magicians

     Everyone thinks that their child is special. Maybe because they’re a math genius or because they didn’t lick any other kids at the playground that day but they are, in fact, special for another reason altogether:

Children are Magicians of Time.

Ok, I know you’re thinking that I’ve finally gone ‘round the bend now. Well, yes, I have. I thought that we had established that these past few years that we’ve spent time together. Anyway, if you take a moment and really think about it, you will see the evidence that’s been staring you in the face.

The ability to manipulate time comes at birth. Since it takes time to hone this skill, it’s a little wonky in that first few months. That’s the reason why all of a sudden you realize that it’s been a week since they were born (and your last shower) and how every sleepless night in those first months feel weeks long. You’ve got to cut them a little slack people. They’re brand new to this planet. There’s a learning curve. The good thing about this is that you’re too sleep deprived and catatonic to even notice that time has gone all wibbly wobbly. The early days you count yourself lucky if you get at least one hot meal AND a shower in 12 consecutive hours.

They practice their craft until they are master time manipulators and they are damn good at it too. Consider how often time slows down:

·      When they’re sick and all you want is for them to hurry up and be well again

·       Sitting through countless hours of tee ball games where they pick daisies for 2 hours

·        The teenage years

·        Any grade school band concert under the age of 10

·        Listening to them tell you the story of how Tommy threw up at recess, a 12 part saga with meandering mini stories intertwined in the 22 minute tale

In every instance, you’re probably watching the clock avidly, waiting for the hands to tick away the time until normalcy resumes. (The teenage years are a LONG wait for this.) For me, I used to loathe tee ball with the passion of 1,000 fiery suns. I know parents who would look at me in shock like I should be doing cartwheels sitting there while Johnny on the blue team tries 43 times to hit the ball off the tee and Susie on the orange team is laying down in the outfield making grass angels. I know that they need to start somewhere to learn these skills, but I was always thrilled when they moved up to little league. You know, REAL baseball. I’m sure that it didn’t help that baseball season seemed to only have two temperatures: frostbite and sun stroke. Give me a squeaky instrumented fourth grade band concert, I can take it. But whatever you do, please don’t make me sit through tee ball again. (Side note: If the pandemic has given me any gift, it’s that my youngest will be too old for tee ball when sports resume. Halleluiah!)

You’d think that they would be happy to slow time down and be done with it, wouldn’t you? But nooooo, they also speed time up. Think about their first birthday. You sat there for an entire day wondering how the hell a year went by so fast, didn’t you? The same thing happened when they went to kindergarten the first time and you stoically sent them on that bright yellow bus, holding back those tears until they were far enough away that you wouldn’t emotionally scar them (more than normal anyway). How did he get to be 5? When did she grow up to be a school aged kid? How could have 1,825 days have gone by so fast. (I am going to pretend that I pulled that number out of my stellar mental math skills and not the calculator on my smart phone.)

Their favorite time to fast forward, of course, is the holidays. This is why you blink on October 31 and then it’s all of a sudden 3 weeks until Christmas. You can’t really blame them though. Who doesn’t look forward to presents? (Other than a present hating weirdo I mean.) If you’re smart, you’ll get Halloween costumes and stocking stuffers at the same time and save yourself some stress at the time glitch you don’t remember happening. Don’t worry, after a kid or two, you don’t even notice it anymore. You’re too busy baking cookies, wrapping presents, planning parties, cooking food, keeping schedules straight, going to work, cleaning, climbing Mt. Laundry, and possibly even managing some sleep in there too. Just tape your eyes open because if you blink one too many times, it’s February break.

These kids get so good at making time go by fast that sometimes they make it disappear completely. It’s true! Tomorrow is December 1. I’m pretty sure that yesterday was June. So where did the 5 months in between go huh? They literally disappeared into thin air. POOF. This is where the magicians show off their true skills. The earlier stuff was just warming up for the main event. Once they’ve mastered making literal hours and days disappear, they start going bigger. Weeks, months, years…..before you know it they’re off to college and you’re scratching your head at an eight year old is able to even go to college. At least, that’s the last clear memory you have. Their 8^th birthday party that you spent hours on Pinterest finding ideas how to do an under the sea themed party and all the time that you cut out construction paper fish and made fishing poles out of sticks and strings.

So the next time that you’re wondering where the time went, remember the little Time Wizard that resides with you. That Marvelous Minute Magician. Admire their skill. Appreciate their craft. Most importantly, hug them before it’s Tuesday the 21^st of three years later.

 

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According to the Polls, I’m Only 93.4% Politically Incorrect

 

Ah, politics. Is there any topic more controversial and forbidden in conversations? For generations, politics has been a relationship hand grenade, tossed in casually and accidentally, only to result in catastrophic losses of relationships and sanity. This is true of any time period in history, but because 2020 has been so extra, naturally it has been amplified to the nth degree.

Since this is a year that seems to want to throw all its crazy at us at once, the political system is a powder keg just waiting to explode. Not to mention that the gloves are off this year with campaigns becoming cut throat and messy, slinging mud around like a deranged toddler hopped up on pixie stix. For example, there are 2 Congress candidates who are so busy dumping on their running mate that I couldn’t actually tell you what their platforms are. What I CAN tell you is that they text and call my cell phone, call my house, and spam my mailbox with cards and pamphlets multiple times a day. At this point, the one who is getting my vote is the one who leaves me the hell alone. Oh, that’s right, I’m keeping a tally now little missies.

The big storm that’s brewing is, of course, the presidential race. Personally, I’m not that thrilled with either of the candidates. Every time I see Joe Biden, I think of that puppet that Jeff Dunham has, the grumpy old man named Walter. If you’ve ever seen that puppet and Joe Biden in the same room, I’d be surprised. In fact I’m still not convinced they aren’t one and the same. It would explain the vague sense of unease I get whenever I look at him. He kind of reminds me of the creepy old uncle that gets drunk at the Christmas party and tells inappropriate dirty jokes that make everyone uncomfortable. Then there’s Donald Trump, which doesn’t actually need any other description if you’re unlucky enough to currently live under his sovereign rule in the grand old US of A. He definitely is the creepy old guy at the party except he’s not telling dirty jokes, he’s talking about his favorite person (himself obviously) and telling tall tales about his greatness.

The only good thing to come from these two were the debates. I mean, it was literally the best reality television we could watch. Pop some popcorn and pull up a chair folks, because you aren’t going to want to miss tonight’s episode of Debauchery, Douchery, and Debates.

(Announcer) The tension in the air is palpable. Will we find out how many different ways Donald can sabotage Joe’s speech? Will he cut him off? Will he talk over him? Will Joe ever get two words in edgewise? And will Joe have the ability to fight back and finish a thought? Find out tonight on Debauchery, Douchery, and Debates!

I remember being a child, maybe 9 or so, and asking my father who he voted for in the election. The sharp response of, “None of your business. That’s personal.” was my first clue that politics make people crazy. That response imprinted on me though and made me liken politics to buying sanitary products at the store. Sure, you are going to go with the brand you trust, but you aren’t going to feel good about having to buy them in such a public place. And for the love of all that’s holy, definitely don’t make eye contact with the cashier ringing you out. The horror!

So this impression of politics being a private business has stuck with me all these years. It hasn’t really affected me much since I haven’t been a super politically driven person. (I’m sure that it helps that I haven’t liked any candidate as much as Ross Perot. I wonder what he’s up to? Maybe VH1 can do a presidential candidate version of “Where Are They Now?”.) Even as I’ve dipped my toes in the political waters and made it a point to educate myself before voting, I still don’t know that I can really call myself emotionally vested. Other people apparently do not have these same reservations. I cannot believe how many people have candidate signs in their yards, proudly proclaiming their support for Trump or Biden, without any regard for the secret shame that you are supposed to harbor for overtly liking ANY candidate. It’s like they don’t even feel the slightest bit of discomfort at being so public. Yikes. I just can’t figure it out. Don’t they worry that some anti-supporter will target their house and tp their trees or deface their signs? I don’t even leave pumpkins on my porch on Cabbage Night in fear that some dopey kids will trash them in a time honored tradition of dumbassery. Dopey adults with a holier-than-thou attitude and a chip on their shoulder are WAY worse.

So navigating this shit show of an election has been interesting for all of us, but probably not as interesting as it’s been to my “brand new voter” daughter. She is so excited that this is her first presidential election that she can participate in. Like carrying around her voting card in her wallet excited. It’s actually very impressive. I only muster up that much enthusiasm for chocolate chip cookies and new books. But then again, I am old and jaded now so it takes a lot more for me to get to actual feeling mustering. I’ve been trying to impress upon her how important it is to vote for the candidate that she feels most aligns with her views, but I’m not quite sure that she’s going to find a contestant, I mean nominee, with a cold brew coffee addiction that watches too much Netflix and treats napping like a religion. Then again, we ended up with a reality television president so I guess anything's possible, right?

On a more serious note, no matter what team you're on, make sure you get out there and vote! At the very least you might get a cool sticker out of the deal.

 

Thank you Google search for adding this image for impact!

 

 

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An Open Letter to 2020

Dear 2020,

We have asked you here to, well, I’m just going to say it. This is an intervention hon. You are, frankly, a hot mess of a year. In fact, I think it may be safe to say that you have passed hot mess and gone straight to garbage heap. Yes, it’s truly that bad. Now, now, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Well, there are a few things to be ashamed of but we’re not trying to place blame here. We just want to help you.

                I know what you’re thinking. You started out with such promise. A fresh new year, a fresh batch of resolutions that we all know no one actually follows through on. It was the beginning of a brand new decade with so many possibilities on the horizon. Vacations were planned. Parties and gatherings were held. Families still liked each other. Yup, 2020 was going to be an amazingly awesome year. Sadly, this shiny happiness was short lived.

Because shit hit the fan with Corona (the-virus-not-the-beer).

Though you started showing some signs of stress in February, it wasn’t until March that you began your rapid downward spiral. I will give you credit, you went off the rails in a spectacularly big way. Not only did you shock the world with a global pandemic, but you branched out a little and dabbled in murder hornets. You tried your hand at pyromania with the Australian bush fires. Those must have been practice for the bigger event as the entire west coast has been under a fiery siege for weeks now. Yet probably the biggest shocker we had to face was when you let Megan and Harry quit the royal squad. I mean, we REALLY didn’t see that one coming.

Like any great overachiever, you didn’t stop there. That’s right, if you act now, we’ll throw in half a dozen more tragedies and bizarre occurrences for the low, low price of all your sanity and belief in mankind. Yes, call now and you can also have an unsuccessful presidential impeachment, a stock market crash, protests and riots that prove black lives do matter, plus you'll found out who the Tiger King is! (What really happened to Carole Baskin’s husband anyway? She totally whacked him didn’t she? C’mon 2020, I won’t tell anyone.)

As if that wasn’t enough you also proved that some people shouldn’t procreate, or at least name their child, when Grimes and Elon Musk named their baby some mathematical equation or some crap like that. I tried to understand what the hell they actually named the poor kid but I think they are still trying to figure it out themselves. Hopefully they’ll come back to it. Quibi was also released unto the world and I’m not sure anyone realized it although ironically, with most of us quarantined and needing more to occupy us, we totally needed it more than ever. 

Some of the things you got into were downright biblical. For a while there, I started looking for the 4 horsemen before I went to work. (Because if the world is ending, I’m calling in sick y’all.) There were locust swarms, flooding in Indonesia, a volcanic eruption in the Philippines, a plague ridden squirrel, earthquakes in Turkey and the Caribbean, and 4 hurricanes so far. In my corner of the world, we’ve been hit with the tail end of a hurricane and had an earthquake, both oddities for our area. Oh, and there was an explosion in Beirut. Because why not blow something up when you're having a craptastic year, right? Sigh. This is not therapeutic 2020, we've talked about this.

So do you see where we have some cause for concern? Not only are you unraveling at an alarming rate, but YOU KILLED MR. PEANUT! What kind of a monster would do that?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Of course you’re not a monster. Pardon my language there. You have to realize though, that these are not the sane actions of a stable and healthy year, right? Buddy, you’re sick. (Like literally, you’re teeming with Covid-19.) You know what? Why don’t you just go lie down for a while and rest. I’ll bring you a cool compress and some valium and you can just lay low and chill until 2021 gets here, okay? Hey, why don’t you watch some Netflix? Uh, on second thought, everything you touch seems to turn to shit so probably let’s leave Netflix alone. Why don’t you watch the debate? It’s very entertaining and sure to cheer you up.

We’re going to get through this 2020, I promise.

Sincerely,

All The People Trying Not To Lose Our Minds Right Now

Please Pass Me the (Micro) Chips

 

Ok, can we all just agree that 2020 has been a garbage heap of a year? I mean, like beer virus wasn’t bad enough we had to add murder hornets, wildfires, floods, giant Asian beetles, locusts, a squirrel with a plague, and earthquakes. Now, I’m not very religious, but even I’m having trouble swallowing that these aren’t some apocalyptic end times kind of phenomenon. I mean, I’m pretty sure that locusts actually are one of the giant neon signs that the 4 big dudes on the horses are gearing up for a visit.

And because people are, well, people, we’ve had some wild and crazy human behavior too. Not just the loots, the riots, the black lives matter/all lives matter pissing match, and the protests, but the conspiracy theories that people seem to believe are prevalent…it’s outrageous. There doesn’t seem to be an end to them either. This makes me wonder if there’s some COVID-19 marketing agency whose sole job is to create these fantastical paranoid theories to spread around just to keep the public ticked off about something other than the fact that no one really knows what the hell is happening with the beer virus. (Honestly, it really doesn’t take much to light people’s fuses out there nowadays, which makes that the easiest job in the history of the universe. I hope it has good benefits at least.)

Here are just a few of the X-Files type of paranoid delusions that are being passed around like a bad game of telephone.

The hoax theory. Corona virus is all just a myth man. Like, they totally made it up to mess with us. (If you read that in a California surfer stoner voice congrats, because that’s the mental image in my head right now.) I’m not sure how bored you’d have to be to come up with this story just for shits and giggles, but I bet you my six year old has reached that boredom level when the iPad dies and there’s "nothing else to do in the entire universe". (Eye roll) I guess if anything else, he has job security.

The masks don’t work theory. You know how your kids (*cough* husband) have that special version of selective hearing that drives you absolutely bonkers? Yeah, turns out much of America has that exact same problem. Someone said that cloth masks aren’t 100% effective and some genius heard blah blah blah NOT blah EFFECTIVE. Like that teacher in the Peanuts cartoons. Boom! Now we have some whack job fanatic spreading information around to the public that they aren’t wearing a mask because it doesn’t work anyway. All of the people that have jumped on that bandwagon basically just wanted a reason not to inconvenience themselves by wearing something that they just don’t want to wear and that was as good as a reason as any. (Plus, they didn’t have to put too much thought into it because it was conveniently put out there for them.)

Those who feel the need to defend their opinion on the uselessness of mask wearing will also go on to defend themselves by pointing out some video that apparently circulated about people not being able to breathe while wearing a mask. I haven’t seen it. I’m sure it exists but I can’t be bothered to waste my time on stupid internet videos. (Unless they are of cats and dogs doing funny stuff. Or cute stuff. Or dumb stuff. Basically I’ll watch anything with those big fluffy goofs because pets, unlike people, don’t totally suck.)

What cracks me up about this argument is that even condoms are only 98% effective against pregnancy and STD’s. Yet there are like 450 million condoms sold every year in the US. Seat belts are only 45-50% effective but we wouldn’t operate a vehicle without clicking that protective harness into place. There are over six million car wrecks every year but that doesn’t stop people from buying a car since there are 17 million cars sold annually. Personally, if you are filled with cooties, I’ll take wearing a mask that’s 60 % effective rather than 100% get your creeping crud germs on me. I’ve lived with kids who have brought home every germ they have come into contact with and then proceeded to come home and share those things like candy bars on Halloween so I’m good. I don’t need any more, thanks.

The repression of our civil liberties theory. Someone, probably the same bored individual thinking up virus hoaxes, has found a way to strip your rights from you and force you to do things that the government has mandated. These awful persons have demeaned you by denying you your right to be a dink and force you to think of your fellow human beings by wearing a mask and keeping your cootie spreading ass at home. “The government is telling me what to do and it’s taking away my freedoms.” Now you sound like my kids. Quit your whining and take out the garbage. Oh, and pick your shoes up while you’re at it. The government also says you need a license to drive a car. Are you whining about that too? If you’re so determined to act like a child and whine about everything then just pretend that dad (the government) grounded you until you’ve thought about your actions and decided to apologize for spreading the plague to humanity. (I’m not sure there’s an eye roll big enough right now.)

The media is making us into fear mongering cowards. Well, yeah, probably. The age of information has lead to too much information, too much access to said information, and way too much dissemination of this information. It’s not a bad idea to unplug for a little while and oh, I don’t know, maybe think your own thoughts for once instead of what other people are trying to get you to think. This goes for any of the other theories as well. If people could learn to research both sides of something, consider all angels, and THEN form an opinion, we might start a revolution of people who aren’t crowd following zombies. Rarely is anything so black and white. It’s probably a super fantastic idea to realize that people’s opinions aren’t facts and that if we can work our smart devices, then we can probably manage an internet search to gather information on a subject. (Or if you’re feeling an information overload, there are always those pet videos.)

The COVID vaccine is another method of government control because they are going to contain microchips. I just found out this one the other day. It took me awhile to wrap my head around this one because apparently I am not cray cray enough to swallow this pill blindly. I required more information. This seems to be another mask theory type of situation where someone added 1 and 1 and came up with 11. Apparently they are planning to add microchips to the container of the vaccination in order to keep track of the regions and the distribution of the vaccine. It’s nothing different than getting a flu shot and them writing down the lot number batch number off the vaccine vial. Yet apparently microchips are synonymous with governmental subjugation. We can use the same type of technology to create a slim tablet that can be functional as well as entertaining but (GASP) don’t use it to track and collect data! That’s appalling! I have rights you know!

I read an article today that said 1 in 3 Americans have stated they wouldn’t get the vaccine even if it was available. Now, I don’t know if this was a casual poll or not and I’m not saying that I take this as gospel. If it is factual, however, it is truly a sad situation that will probably lead to us fighting the beer virus for a long time. Did they have this much resistance to the polio vaccine? Rubella? Did the folks of yore say, “I’ll take my chances with rickets rather than let my child drink the foul liquid that springs from yonder cow’s teat!” I guess I’m just wondering how we got here.

Do you have any wacky COVID conspiracy theories that you’ve heard and just can’t believe? Share them with me using one of the methods below. I’d love to hear any that I’ve missed. Until then, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times and adjust your tinfoil hat for maximum coverage.

 

 

 

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I Might Need An Intervention, But Only a Teensy One

While there are a myriad of issues that we could unpack given the current state of the world, sometimes it’s nice to just unplug from the Drama Queen that 2020 has become. You know, find a hobby and decompress. Read a book. Binge a Netflix series. Hunt murdering psychopaths.

Ok, let me back up a little.

It started about a year ago. I was suddenly seeing ads on my social media for these monthly murder mystery boxes, the latest I thought, in the new subscription box fad. Since I love mysteries, and because curiosity killed the cat, I clicked on the ad to get a better idea of what it was all about.

Oh boy. Probably shouldn’t have done that. (Cue the virtual stalkers.) AD!!! DIFFERENT AD FROM ANOTHER COMPANY WITH THE SAME PRODUCT. FIRST COMPANY BUT DIFFERENT AD! THIRD COMPANY AD! ADD ADS! AND ADS! AND ADDITIONALLY…THESE ADS! ADDY AD AD AD AD AD!

OK! FINE! I’ll subscribe to the %$^*ing thing and see what it’s all about.

Turns out it’s pretty freaking cool. The premise is that a fictional (I hope!) someone is killed and you have to find out who did it. Each month they send you new clues and evidence and you rule out another suspect until, after the sixth box, you figure out whodunit. Since I have a  bunch of weirdo family members who love board games and murder mysteries to boot, it became a family activity. Each month we looked forward to uncovering a new piece of the puzzle. Gathering new clues. Solving new puzzles. (Finding out how many different kinds of ciphers there are!)

You really get to dig in there and say cool things like “You can’t handle the truth!” and “Book’em Danno!” No, none of that was really necessary, but we are big goofballs who apparently can’t even solve fictional murders without a grain of humor mixed in.

Yet….in the back of my mind I remember those *other* companies. That were doing the hard sell when I clicked on the first company’s ad. I began to wonder what those ones were like. Were they different? Were they more murder-y? More puzzle-y? I began to cast my wandering eyes toward these NEW, FRESH companies and wonder what they might bring to the table.

So like any good nerd, I put my research hat on and do a search for the top rated mystery boxes. WOW! There are even more than I anticipated. (Also, escape room boxes and mystery boxes are considered pretty much the same thing I guess.) Luckily, some obsessive sleuther with OCD (other than me!) has already compiled this list, complete with a small overview to help ascertain if it’s something you’d like. Right away I see that the one we have is ranked the second best box in the bunch. (Yeah buddy!) After looking at the others, I decide that the third one seems pretty cool and order a box.

Yeah, THIS box is amazing. Who ranked that list? This one should be number one. Not only do you solve the murder, it uses QR codes which makes it easier than the online method used in the other one. Plus, there were a lot more puzzles to solve which upped our fun factor. The icing on the cake is that each box was a single mystery. No waiting for the next month to say, “Freeze You Murdering Son of a Biscuit!”

For my birthday/Mother’s Day (which are only a few days apart from each other), my oldest son (who was aware of my need to try ‘em all) sent me two boxes from yet another company. These were different in that they had a journal to read and evidence envelopes that to open at certain points during the reading. At the end you solved the case based on what you find in both. This seemed more “old school” detective and although I did Sherlock Homes my way through both, I missed the puzzle-y parts from the others. (To my chagrin, I do enjoy the varied forms of ciphers!)

At this point you’d think that I’d had a good sampling and didn’t need to continue, right? WRONG!

The top rated box had to be number one for a reason, right? So I tried that one too. This one was like a mix of the first and second boxes but a lot of heavier use of online interaction. The puzzles I was missing from the last box are back, which is a plus, and it’s a single part mystery so yay for instant gratification! But this one made me feel a little like a dunce since I had to click on the “Need a hint” buttons often. (And then feel like an idiot when I realize I was just overthinking it.)

Now I’m a junkie who needs their next murder mystery fix. Do you know a mystery that needs a good solving? No? Just an itty, bitty one even? How about something missing that needs finding? No? Any sleuthing needs at all? Fine. I don’t need you to scratch my solver’s itch. I’ll do it myself! There are still six more boxes from the top 10 list that I have yet to try, but I will eventually try them all! And when I do, I’ll be ready to take over the world! And no one can stop me! (Insert good-girl-turned-evil-villain laugh here)

 

 

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I’m Optimistically Terrified, Thank You For Asking

So this year has pretty much been a dumpster fire. Corona virus, murder hornets, odd weather that we normally don’t have for our area (including an earthquake AND a tornado), tanked economies, high unemployment rates and now there are protests and looting. So it’s safe to say that 2020 isn’t winning any awards for, well, anything really.

The emphasis was on Corona virus for so long that I felt like there wasn’t any other topic of conversation available. It was infection rates, death rates, mask requirements, and stay at home restrictions, all day, every day. This, while a little scary, at least reminded the public of the invisible threat that was stalking our population like a kid stalking their mother after hearing the crinkle of a snack being unwrapped. Unfortunately, the George Floyd situation seems to have changed that focus (probably because America has severe ADHD) and apparently this means that COVID isn’t really a problem anymore.

Okay, so you and I both know that’s not true.

But it does seem like something shifted the panic over the global pandemic. Was it the travesty of racism that overshadowed over a million deaths? Was it Memorial Day weekend? The change to nice weather? Phased opening of the economy? Whatever prompted the change in tides, it now seems like people have been given carte blanche to ignore all social distancing and mask wearing protocols.

Personally, I’m optimistically terrified.

On one hand, moving towards a semblance of normal is welcome after months of worry and stress and cloroxing and sanitizing and losing sanity over home schooling. On the other hand, the threat is in no way eliminated (and won’t be until a vaccine is available) and every time my FaceBook explodes with these pictures of non-compliance, I cringe and wonder if I’m the only one in the world that remembers we are still in the middle of a pandemic.

What is great though (said in my sarcasm voice), is that there are still bullies out there who want to make you feel like a moron for being “overly cautious”. People who say that THEY refuse to live in fear. Or that they live in a FREE country so they don’t have to wear a mask. People who feel like this is all a hoax or selfish people who only worry about themselves getting it and not the fact that they could be a carrier. All of these comments are made to target any people who don’t conform to their way of thinking. (Sadly, as a society, we really haven’t grown all that much.)

Ultimately, this means that us “overly cautious” people feel the need to defend ourselves. And the sad part is, we really shouldn’t have to do so. Remember when you were allowed to have a difference in opinion and it wasn’t the end of the world? (Think pre-social media.) Remember when you could say what you think without trying to shove it down someone’s throat until they agreed with you? Sure social media has given us a platform to connect with people but unfortunately, not everyone uses their powers for good.

(Evil villain voice) Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha.

But I really am digressing.              

So now, the economy is starting to open back up and people are starting to feel like this is a sign that everything is “normal” again. I’m not sure if I feel brave enough for the old normal. Not when we have successfully escaped the great and terrible 'Rona thus far.

This means that my household is also taking a phased opening approach. The orthodontist for the 13 year old was deemed necessary as he hadn’t been since December. This was the first time that he has been anywhere in almost 12 weeks. I had visions of fending off giant virus attackers with my handy sword and shield. “Oh no you don’t!” I’d shout loudly. “Not my boy! Take THAT!” And I’d stab them with my sanitized covered sword and send them off to that great petri dish in the sky. None of that really happened however. (But it does show you that writers can have vivid imaginations and a way with imagery!)

He’s also been invited to his first post-Corona virus event. This is much more nerve wracking. As a parent we fight a constant battle with trying to keep our kids safe while trying not to stifle them at the same time. These are the types of situations that we struggle with. Now I have that same sword wielding vision warring with swaddling my kids and rocking them in a rocking chair, all gangly legs hanging off the side as they are way too big to be coddled. (You know, like in that creepy/sweet book where the mom rocks the grown son?)

But we can’t help it, us over protective parents. We put a lot of work into getting them where they are today. Teething, toddling, tantrums and teenage eye rolls….that’s a lot of time and work invested to throw caution to the wind now! Not to mention that this baby making factory is CLOSED. In capital letters, with rusty padlocks on the gates and dry tumbleweeds blowing through. (To emphasize just how closed my uterus is!) So it’s not like I can pop out a replacement human or two if someone breaks one. (I’m looking at you Corona Virus.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if we decline an invitation in the next few weeks, please know that it’s not us, it’s you. We can’t quite be sure where you’ve been, but we’re positive good ol’ Rona is sneaky AF. We’re not hedging our bets.

 

 

 

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Quarantine Journal: Day Two Hundred Eleventy Four

Captain’s Log- Day 1: School has been cancelled for the next month. College daughter has had spring break extended another week while they figure out a plan.  Being the OCD mom that I am, of course I’ve made up a schedule to keep my kids on a routine and make sure that they don’t fall behind in their schooling. Both husband and I are working so we elected college girl to stand in as the substitute teacher.

Captain’s Log- Day 2: The kids seem to think this whole ordeal is like an extra-long weekend. Twelve just asked if he could have a sleepover “during the week”. Seemed annoyed when I said no. (May have been the incredulous look that went with the response.) Not sure if I’m hoping to continue working or if I could use a quarantine vacation too.

Captain’s Log- Day 4: Both husband and I have been deemed “essential” by our employers. Had to cancel family vacation. Kids are bummed but they have a month off from school why are they complaining? Dad and I on the other hand could use a pitcher of margaritas and a week alone in a child-free zone in our house. Too bad there aren’t any child free zones in our house.

Captain’s Log- Day 7: Six year old has decided that he doesn’t want “fake school”, he wants “real school”. No interest in virtual meetings with classmates and teacher. Father and I have started to put some more money away for his therapy fund as there will probably be an additional nine months of “When I was in quarantine…” stories.

Captain’s Log- Day 10: All three male species in my house are starting to feel the loss of sports, both professional and school. Oh no, they’re still watching ESPN all the time, but "it’s just not the same."

Captain’s Log- Day 12: School closure was just extended another month. Both the kids and I are crying. (But only one of us is hiding in a closet with wine and chocolate.) Why can’t they close it in 2 week intervals instead if a month at a time? Do you know how daunting the prospect of another 4 weeks of home school is? 

Captain’s Log- Day 14: Why does the college girl never seem to have any school work? #itsgoingtotakeamiracleforhertopass

Captain’s Log- Day 15: School is cancelled. Non-essential businesses are closed. Two thirds of the work force is at home. Life has been cancelled. Try again in 6 weeks.

Captain’s Log- Day 17: The substitute teacher has quit 3 times in the last week. I told her she can run, but she can’t hide. Actually, she can’t run either. We’re on lock down! Muah ha ha ha ha ha.

Captain’s Log- Day 20: All the talk lately is the stimulus check we are getting. It would sure be nice to use that money towards a vacation….of all the years that we need a vacation and the zombie apocalypse makes it so that we can’t go anywhere. Guess I’m planning a rustic vacation to the living room with a side trip through the family room.

Captain’s Log- Day 22: Florida re-opened the beaches. Mobs of people flocked there. The Corona virus count spiked 1,400+ overnight. Not only can you not fix stupid, apparently you can’t quarantine it, give it common sense or smack the smart into it either.

Captain's Log- Day 23: I'm living in the movie "Groundhog Day".

Captain’s Log- Day 25: The kids are starting to get a little feral. We’ve decided to treat them like puppies and tire them out as much as possible in the evenings. Went great until the youngest had an accident on the rug. No dog bones for him the rest of the evening!

Captain’s Log- Day 27: Woke up to F%$@ing snow on the ground. SNOW. ON. THE. GROUND. We just finally started having nice weather so the kids could murder each other outside instead of inside and now there’s snow. FFS.

Captain’s Log- Day 28: Still an essential employee. Just got my 47^th call about one of the kids being a d-bag to the teacher. Looking for Xanax on the black market.

Captain’s Log- Day 30: The dog just asked me if we are ever leaving the house again. Apparently we are interrupting her leisurely days of napping in peace.

Captain’s Log- Day 33: I just saw an article about people protesting about their civil rights being violated because the government is ordering lockdowns and business closures. (I think they may have drank the same moron juice as the Floridians.) How about those idiots are the ones violating MY rights to breathe non-Corona virus air? Huh? This caused me to go on a rant about how ignorant and selfish people can be and how they will be the reason why we are still going through this bullshit for the next six months and if they had a kid who had respiratory issues maybe then they might get a f$%^ing clue. Husband had to ply me with dark chocolate and ice cream to settle me down.

Captain’s Log- Day 34: Now the two boys have even more time to beat each other up, argue about whose turn it is (for everything) and fart on each other. Yay. Said no one in my house.

Captain’s Log- Day 37: Since School is still canceled, now we get to teach our kids more than review material. Not only don't my students like me but I think they suspect I’m having an affair with the principal.

Captain’s Log- Day 38: Alexa, homeschool the children.

Captain’s Log- Day 39: COVID-19 has cancelled TWO of my vacations now. If you find me in a closet with photo albums from previous vacations, just stroke my hair and tell me I’m pretty. Then back away slowly while throwing dark chocolate Hershey kisses in my direction. Whatever you do, don’t act scared. I can smell fear.

Captain’s Log- Day 42: Or is 43? 45? Who’s in charge of keeping track of this crap? Whoever it is, you’re fired! What, it’s me? Then I’m fired! And if you saw how badly I just did on my son’s math test last week, you wouldn’t argue with me.

Captain’s Log- Day 46 (possibly?): Is it acceptable to have margaritas at my desk in the office? Asking for a friend.

Captain’s Log- Day 49 (ish): SCHOOL IS CLOSED FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. LORD JESUS, PLEASE MAKE THIS VIRUS GO AWAY! OR SEND MORE VODKA. WHICHEVER IS EASIEST.

Captain’s Log- Day Two hunnert eleventy niner eighty: Shur haven’t drunked this morning at all, why ya ashking? No, you shlurring my wordsh! That’s juss rude.

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Surviving Quarantine With Your Children (A How-to Guide)

These last 10 weeks of quarantine have been really rough. Wait, what? It’s only been TWO weeks? Geez, they must have been rougher than I thought. If, like me, you are losing your ever loving mind being confined into your shrinking shoebox of a house with the demon spawn that you once adored (before breathing the same air for days on end), you probably need some tips to make it through this time. Well you are in luck because I have compiled my “Top 7 Ways of Surviving Your Children in a Global Pandemic.”

1.) Don’t have kids. This is the easiest way to avoid losing your mind during a mandatory quarantine with your family. If you HAVE to have any, maybe just one. That will cut down your chances of having to ever say things like, “Stop farting on each other” and “If you don’t share that paper towel tube I will throw it away and no one will play with it!” If it’s too late, and you’ve had many children, then hopefully the rest of these hints work for you.

2.) Try to vary your routine like a drunken clown on a unicycle is your personal assistant. Yes, kids do great with routines and structure….normally. But all bets are off in the zombie apocalypse. Keep that daily schedule varied and keep them rug rats guessing. Can’t find mommy? Is it because she’s playing hide and seek? Taking a bathroom break? Crying in the closet? What will we have for lunch today? Homemade lunchables? Make your pizzas? Peanut butter crackers, juice boxes and whatever else is in the snack cupboard because I-just-can’t-do-this-meal-creativity-thing anymore? Who knows? Every day is an adventure when your grip on reality is determined by (the number of days in captivity and quantities of available cocktails) your imagination!

3.) Make sure to incorporate “gym class” into their daily schedule. For some reason these kids are bouncing around this house like pogo sticks on crack. Their activity levels are only matched by their level of whining about how unfair (fill in the blank) is. The only way you’re going to get five minutes of peace tonight is if you can tire out the little A-holes enough to crash like a college frat boy after alpha gamma omega’s post rush week toga party.

4.) Don’t underestimate parental creativity. There is only so much math I can argue about, I mean, TEACH my kids before I want to choke the person who invented common core. Time to dust off those “Back in my day” gems and teach them some useful skills….like how to con your kids into free labor in the name of showing them valuable “life skills”. In the mood for some cookies? Home economics 101. Car need an oil change? Auto Mechanics 101. Balancing your hot-mess-because-of- apocalypse-stress-shopping checkbook? Finance 101. Need a dirty martini? Bartending 101. Need to clean out the garage? Organization 101. Seriously people, think of the benefits. A clean house and a kid pumped full of all sorts of useful tools in their toolbox of life. What do you mean she’s only 4? You’re never too young to learn how to cook a 12 course meal. (Please note that is meant to be funny because of the age of the child and that I’m not really expecting a 4 year old to cook. Everyone knows that’s at least a 6 year old job. Geez.)

5.) Don’t listen to those people who tell you to “make the most of this time”. Unless you’ve lived in this bomb shelter we are currently calling home don’t talk to me. I have become one with the dishwasher and washing machines because we are spending so much time together lately. Gauging by the amount of food consumed on a daily basis, I think that there may be extra children living here. I deal with tantrums and crying and after I’m done I wipe my face and go take care of the kid’s tantrums and crying. We are trying our best to make happy memories but I’m pretty sure we are just racking up more future therapist bills. #Ipromisewearetryingourverybesthere

6.) Take advantage of electronic devices. For the love of all that’s holy, now is NOT the time to meter their screen time. One of the few perks of being stuck in our homes for years (fine, weeks that only feel like years) is that we get to have all of technology with us. Tablets, computers, smart tvs, digital reading devices…all of them stuck in our isolation chamber right along with us. (Thank the good Lord himself!) And after the 937^th fight that you’ve refereed between your precious progeny, a little electronic interference can be seriously needed. Netflix and chill baby. Or Amazon Prime and Chill, Apple TV and chill, Hulu and chill…IDGAF how you chill but if you and your siblings don’t go into a separate room and stop beating on each other I will flip my shit. You better chiggity check yo’self before I wreck yourself. Here, have an iPad. Oooh, look, an academic app! Sit down, shut up and learn dammit. Alexa, pour me a cocktail and play some 90’s dance music. Siri tell me the weather on Mars. Hey Google, how do I build a spaceship?

(What do you mean there are a lot of references to alcohol? Listen judgy judgerson, we all have our own coping mechanisms. Now get down off your high horse and come have a mai tai.)

7.) Speaking of alcohol….. Hey, a little day drinking never hurt, right? I mean, it’s not like you’re &*%$@#! going anywhere in this $#&!*@#  quarantine. No one is going anywhere. We’re all going nowhere and it is going to last forever! So if you want to have a liquid lunch on day 42 of self-isolation, who’s going to say something? Those twerps? Please. Everyone knows that it’s your word against theirs. Plus, who are they going to tell? You’re sleeping with the principal.

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Surviving the Black Winter of 2020

I’m not sure if Mercury was in retrograde in the shadow of Jupiter’s moon Europa or if we just had the extreme misfortune to have a neon flashing sign above our house that screamed, “Germs and Viruses Welcome Here!”, but February was not our best month. In fact, I’m pretty sure that our household was solely responsible for any stock price surges that may have occurred from the companies who manufacture Lysol spray and Clorox wipes.

Not that either of them helped diffuse the situation AT ALL.

Having endured 40 New York winters mean that I’m pretty much used to the colds and illnesses that like to hang out with the frigid months, like friggin’ stalkers that just won’t go home. Add to that the youngest child’s predilection for being sick from November straight through to March due to his weak preemie lungs, and it’s just another day of mayhem in our crazy household.

I think the bacteria and germs were starting to take offense at how blasé we were at their appearance so they decided to up the ante.

It started with a cold that my daughter seemed to turn into a sinus infection. (Like pulling a rabbit out of a hat!) She very nicely shared the germs with my husband and me, effectively making 3/5 of our house a walking cold medicine commercial. Not to be left out, the 12 year old jumped in to join the fun, making it a full 80% of our domicile infected by this seemingly innocuous little pain in the ass cold.

Meanwhile, the youngest, who had his normal on and off cough since winter got started, is now the healthiest person in our house. Unfortunately, he has a little bit of mom’s (occasional) overachiever gene and decided that not only was he going to get this cold, he was going to get rid of it and then  host it again for a second time!

Bu wait! If you act now, we’ll throw in pneumonia AND Flu A for the low, low price of a shockingly high fever and one panicked school nurse! That’s right, we’ll throw it in for FREE!* (*Additional charges in the form of co-payments may apply.)

By this time, I think it had also worked its way around to a second run at me and my husband. Our house could have doubled for a pharmacy at one point with antibiotics, nebulizer meds, multiple cold remedies, cough syrups, cough drops, throat lozenges, tissues, and multiple forms of Vitamin C. What is generally the shortest month of the year turned into some sort of hunger games type survival of the fittest challenge. Quite frankly, we all failed. Hard. Those germs kicked our ass and made us their bitch.

Having crawled our way to the finish line of February, we are looking forward to March having some fresher air and a less, uh, germy personality. Sorry February, but you didn’t win any popularity contests this year. Better luck in 2021.

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I Don't Want to Grow Up (But Unfortunately I Did)

Remember when you were a kid and you were always in a big rush to grow up? Your parents would tell you not to be in such a hurry, that these were the “best years of your life” and you’d just shake your head because they were old and didn’t know what they were talking about. So you grew up. And realized, “Crap! They were right!”

Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely some perks to being “all growed up”. Like making my own bed time. (That’s right, no one tells me what time to go to bed! Not even my own body! Take that you old bag of bones!) I can eat cake for breakfast and there’s no one to tell me that I can’t. (Well, other than my metabolism, but she’s a rank old bitch. Never lets me have any fun anymore.) Still, even though there are some bonuses to adulting, I can’t help but feel like being a kid was 1,000 times better. 

Thus, I present to you my TOP FIVE REASONS WHY BEING A KID IS SO MUCH MORE AWESOME THAN GETTING YOUR GROWN UP ON:

5.) Bills and all the money type things.  Did I ever know what bills were when I was a kid? I don’t think I understood that concept until maybe middle school. Hell, I didn’t even know we were poor. Or what poor was. Not only do kids not have to know what bills are, they don’t have to pay ‘em either. In fact, I’m pretty sure most kids are oblivious to how that whole system works. The light switch turns the light on, the remote turns the TV on, the WiFi signal is strong, and the food is in the cupboard. How did it get there? Who knows? Now give me another cookie please. My metabolism is cranking over here and I need some fuel.

4.) Oh, and while we're on the subject of metabolism... Ahh, the days when I could stuff all the garbage foods in my face hole and somehow manage to lose a pound. Remember when a happy meal was your happy place? And that was before the people cracked down on the fast food standards. Back then it was mystery meat chicken, red dyes, and all the gluten, high fructose, and carbohydrates we could handle. Our childlike selves could wolf that down and follow it with whatever else our cast iron stomachs could want in life. These days I can’t eat McDonald's because if I so much as LOOK at something fried, my thighs swell up three pounds. Each. Not to mention that I’m an old lady now so it gives my stomach issues too.

3.) The vacation package was awesome. I really feel like I need to go back to my childhood just so that I could appreciate all my free time more. There was spring break, and winter break and Christmas break (I’m old so it was still Christmas break back then) and long, glorious summers filled with lazy days. It’s possible I’m romanticizing the heyday of my youth, but I doubt it. I’m not one to exaggerate much…(More than 40 times a day.) Now that I’m older, I still get vacations, although not as many. They certainly aren’t as fun filled OR lazy either. I get to be the one planning the vacations, packing, juggling finances and half a dozen other adult-y type boring things while my children have the audacity to reap what I have sown. You just wait my darlings. One day this will be you. Muah ha ha ha. Muah ha ha ha. Muah ha ha ha ha.

2.) Someone to “baby” you when you’re ill. Remember when you were sick and your mom or dad would pamper you? Let you lay on the couch and watch cartoons. Let you eat whatever foods you felt up to eating. Cover you up with a cozy blanket. Bring you tissues and medicine and ginger ale. Then you grow up and not only can you not afford to get sick since you have a household to run and a life to live, but then you feel guilty for using sick time to stay home from work and pamper yourself. (As much as you can consider being passed out in an over-the-counter drug induced healing quasi-coma to be “pampering”.) Getting sick becomes a giant time suck that just ends up leaving me pissed off and frustrated for not having the energy to get all the things done that refused to take a break while I was out of commission. (Can you believe that? The nerve.)

But probably the biggest reason why being an adult is super over rated and why I am one hundred times over it is:

1.) The meal plan was pre-planned. And free! If I had to choose the one most hated grown up job that I have, it’s cooking dinner. No one ever tells you how much you’ll hate being the one having to come up with different dinner options over and over and over….until you die. Or that it doesn’t matter what you want to cook, it depends on how much time you have to slap dinner together after work and (most importantly) what 8 foods that your pickiest child has deigned to eat. No one tells you that you’ll hoard cookbooks designed to help boost your creativity in the cooking arena but that you’ll never have time to actually read them so they sit on a shelf neglected until you die and your kids either take them or donate them to the thrift store. Kids have the benefit of just sitting down and eating without having the forethought or the agony of shopping, planning, or preparation. There’s a reason my number one lottery expense is to hire a cook. And maybe a masseuse. But most definitely a cook. (Or four. Just to cover my bases and all.)

So for all my fellow adults who use their kids as an excuse to hold onto their childhood a little longer and live vicariously through them, this one’s for you. May you wring just as much joy out of your second childhood as your first. Just not as much as your third which is when you’re a grandparent and can savor all the perks of your children’s children with half the calories and none of the guilt.

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