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Ok, can we all just agree that 2020
has been a garbage heap of a year? I mean, like beer virus wasn’t bad enough we
had to add murder hornets, wildfires, floods, giant Asian beetles, locusts, a squirrel
with a plague, and earthquakes. Now, I’m not very religious, but even I’m
having trouble swallowing that these aren’t some apocalyptic end times kind of
phenomenon. I mean, I’m pretty sure that locusts actually are one of the giant neon signs that the 4 big dudes on the horses
are gearing up for a visit.
And because people are, well,
people, we’ve had some wild and crazy human behavior too. Not just the loots,
the riots, the black lives matter/all lives matter pissing match, and the protests,
but the conspiracy theories that people seem to believe are prevalent…it’s
outrageous. There doesn’t seem to be an end to them either. This makes me
wonder if there’s some COVID-19 marketing agency whose sole job is to create
these fantastical paranoid theories to spread around just to keep the public
ticked off about something other than the fact that no one really knows what
the hell is happening with the beer virus. (Honestly, it really doesn’t take
much to light people’s fuses out there nowadays, which makes that the easiest
job in the history of the universe. I hope it has good benefits at least.)
Here are just a few of the X-Files
type of paranoid delusions that are being passed around like a bad game of
telephone.
The hoax theory. Corona virus is all just a myth man. Like, they
totally made it up to mess with us. (If you read that in a California surfer
stoner voice congrats, because that’s the mental image in my head right now.) I’m
not sure how bored you’d have to be to come up with this story just for shits
and giggles, but I bet you my six year old has reached that boredom level when
the iPad dies and there’s "nothing else to do in the entire universe". (Eye roll)
I guess if anything else, he has job security.
The masks don’t work theory. You know how your kids (*cough*
husband) have that special version of selective hearing that drives you
absolutely bonkers? Yeah, turns out much of America has that exact same
problem. Someone said that cloth masks aren’t 100% effective and some genius
heard blah blah blah NOT blah EFFECTIVE. Like that teacher in the Peanuts
cartoons. Boom! Now we have some whack job fanatic spreading information around
to the public that they aren’t wearing a mask because it doesn’t work anyway.
All of the people that have jumped on that bandwagon basically just wanted a
reason not to inconvenience themselves by wearing something that they just don’t
want to wear and that was as good as a reason as any. (Plus, they didn’t have
to put too much thought into it because it was conveniently put out there for
them.)
Those who feel the need to defend
their opinion on the uselessness of mask wearing will also go on to defend
themselves by pointing out some video that apparently circulated about people
not being able to breathe while wearing a mask. I haven’t seen it. I’m sure it
exists but I can’t be bothered to waste my time on stupid internet videos. (Unless
they are of cats and dogs doing funny stuff. Or cute stuff. Or dumb stuff.
Basically I’ll watch anything with those big fluffy goofs because pets, unlike
people, don’t totally suck.)
What cracks me up about this argument
is that even condoms are only 98% effective against pregnancy and STD’s. Yet there
are like 450 million condoms sold every year in the US. Seat belts are only
45-50% effective but we wouldn’t operate a vehicle without clicking that protective
harness into place. There are over six million car wrecks every year but that
doesn’t stop people from buying a car since there are 17 million cars sold annually.
Personally, if you are filled with cooties, I’ll take wearing a mask that’s 60
% effective rather than 100% get your creeping crud germs on me. I’ve lived
with kids who have brought home every germ they have come into contact with and
then proceeded to come home and share those things like candy bars on Halloween
so I’m good. I don’t need any more, thanks.
The repression of our civil liberties theory. Someone, probably the
same bored individual thinking up virus hoaxes, has found a way to strip your
rights from you and force you to do things that the government has mandated.
These awful persons have demeaned you by denying you your right to be a dink
and force you to think of your fellow human beings by wearing a mask and
keeping your cootie spreading ass at home. “The government is telling me what
to do and it’s taking away my freedoms.” Now you sound like my kids. Quit your
whining and take out the garbage. Oh, and pick your shoes up while you’re at
it. The government also says you need a license to drive a car. Are you whining
about that too? If you’re so determined to act like a child and whine about
everything then just pretend that dad (the government) grounded you until you’ve
thought about your actions and decided to apologize for spreading the plague to
humanity. (I’m not sure there’s an eye roll big enough right now.)
The media is making us into fear mongering cowards. Well, yeah,
probably. The age of information has lead to too much information, too much
access to said information, and way too much dissemination of this information.
It’s not a bad idea to unplug for a little while and oh, I don’t know, maybe
think your own thoughts for once instead of what other people are trying to get
you to think. This goes for any of the other theories as well. If people could
learn to research both sides of something, consider all angels, and THEN form
an opinion, we might start a revolution of people who aren’t crowd following
zombies. Rarely is anything so black and white. It’s probably a super fantastic
idea to realize that people’s opinions
aren’t facts and that if we can work our smart devices, then we can
probably manage an internet search to gather information on a subject. (Or if
you’re feeling an information overload, there are always those pet videos.)
The COVID vaccine is another method of government control because they
are going to contain microchips. I just found out this one the other day.
It took me awhile to wrap my head around this one because apparently I am not
cray cray enough to swallow this pill blindly. I required more information. This
seems to be another mask theory type of situation where someone added 1 and 1
and came up with 11. Apparently they are planning to add microchips to the
container of the vaccination in order to keep track of the regions and the distribution
of the vaccine. It’s nothing different than getting a flu shot and them writing
down the lot number batch number off the vaccine vial. Yet apparently
microchips are synonymous with governmental subjugation. We can use the same
type of technology to create a slim tablet that can be functional as well as
entertaining but (GASP) don’t use it to track and collect data! That’s
appalling! I have rights you know!
I read an article today that said 1
in 3 Americans have stated they wouldn’t get the vaccine even if it was available.
Now, I don’t know if this was a casual poll or not and I’m not saying that I
take this as gospel. If it is factual, however, it is truly a sad situation
that will probably lead to us fighting the beer virus for a long time. Did they
have this much resistance to the polio vaccine? Rubella? Did the folks of yore
say, “I’ll take my chances with rickets rather than let my child drink the foul
liquid that springs from yonder cow’s teat!” I guess I’m just wondering how we
got here.
Do you have any wacky COVID conspiracy
theories that you’ve heard and just can’t believe? Share them with me using one
of the methods below. I’d love to hear any that I’ve missed. Until then, please
keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times and adjust your tinfoil
hat for maximum coverage.
Need more mayhem? Find me on
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Want to share your stories, dirty
limericks, or just say hi? Send me an email to: modernmommayhem@gmail.com.
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