My Name is Bohnnd, Jaimz Bohnnd

     Parenting is hard. I mean sure, it is “super rewarding” (if you can survive the first 18 years) but it’s definitely not an easy feat raising kids. The first trial comes before they even arrive: picking a name.

    Now, there are several hurdles to successfully completing this process. The first is both parents being able to agree on one name. If you want to know how many people traumatized you over the course of your life, this is when you find out.

Him: Catherine?

Her: Ugh, I went to school with a Catherine and she was a real witch. I’m pretty sure they based that movie “Mean Girls” on her. What about Nathaniel?

Him: Remember the Uncle that I had that always used to get drunk and pass out in snowbanks at the Christmas party? His name was Nathaniel. What about Allison?

Her: No, I dated an Allison in college.

Him: Realllyyy??? Why haven’t I heard about this before now?

    The second is the commonality factor. This is how comfortable you are with naming your child something “common”. This wasn’t too big of a problem until the last few decades. Now parents seem determined to give their kids “unique” names, names that “stand out in the crowd”. The irony of this is that no kid has EVER wanted to stand out in a crowd. In fact, they pray for the obscurity to blend in and just be another faceless, ordinary kid. They would rather NOT have that spot light on them, thank you very much. (Has anyone done a study on the correlation of the rising anxiety in our children to parents naming their kids after random nouns? Hmmm…..) Parents who give their kids unique names usually end up with things like “Moon Goddess” or “Rocket Pilot” or “Apple”. (Yeah, I’m looking at you Gwyneth.)

    The third obstacle is the spelling factor. This is when parents want to give their kids a normal name, but then un-normal it by spelling it uniquely. This, too, falls into the same category for kids. Not only do they not want to be unique, you are now condemning them to a life full of correcting people on how to pronounce their name. So someone who likes the name Michael but thinks that’s too traditional may choose to spell it Mykel. Jason becomes Jayceson. Emily becomes Emmalee. And that’s if you don’t have someone trying to be clever about their naming. Like: SSSST which is pronounced Forrest. (Insert eye roll here) Or JKMNO, pronounced “Noelle”. (Eye roll so large my eyes almost fell out)

    There’s also only a 43% chance that people will spell their name correctly, resulting in a lifetime of frustration and correction. I speak from experience. I have spent my entire life telling people how to spell my name. It was even spelled wrong in one of my school yearbooks. Do you know how sad it is when your own school can’t even spell your name? And my name isn’t even that odd, it just has the lesser common of the 2 spellings for my name. TWO CHOICES and people still can’t get it right. And you expect them to pick from one of the 42 new combinations that 2022 offers? Good luck with that.

    The last hurdle is the bullying factor. It’s tragic that we even have to think about this, honestly. This is when you try to think of all the ways that your kids can be picked on or bullied by their name. Is it bully-proof? As much as you want to think that kids are innocent angels sent from the heavens above (and sometimes they are) the cold, hard reality is that kids can be evil assholes and torment you with enough force that the trauma of picking on your last name in middle school can linger well into your 40’s and cause flashbacks of a time when you were targeted for none other than your name. Something you didn’t even have a voice in so why it’s fodder for humiliation is beyond me. But the scars that those little jerks cause are no less painful because of how little control you had over choosing your moniker. (Not that that statement was specific enough to indicate that I have personal experience or anything.)

    While trying to bully proof your baby name, it may be difficult to put yourself in this juvenile mindset, you know, being a super mature adult and all. In order to properly prepare yourself for the cruelty only youth can perpetuate, I suggest watching films such as the aforementioned Mean Girls, Heathers, or Carrie. And lest you think that the female persuasion are the only ones with a dominant bullying gene, I present to you Back to the Future, the Karate Kid, and of course, the ever popular freckled face ginger from “A Christmas Story”. (These movies, when watched in succession, may also be a very good deterrent for having children at all, so please view in moderation.)

    If you are in the process of percolating new life (or married to the percolator), I hope you have found these tips helpful. But if not, just please, for the love of all that's Holy, don't name your kid after fruit.