I Was Woefully Unprepared for Children

            I always thought that I had a pretty good handle on this whole parenting gig. It’s only been recently that I realized how much I was actually just winging it. Yup, just making this shit up as I went along. Basically I was just giving it my all and hoping for the best.

           Honestly, I think that all parenting is probably 50% parent-like behavior and 50% pretending like you have an actual clue as to what you are doing. The whole phrase “Fake it til you make it” was most likely started by a parent who was trying to sound authoritative while scolding their toddler for something that they aren’t even sure is a scoldable offense.

<Checks playbook>

Right, right….justified penalty for throwing dirty underwear in sibling’s face. Ten-minute time out.

            Even when we finally get one kid’s worth of experience under our belt, the next one comes along and has completely different issues. Yeah, this one isn’t a picky eater but they have attention problems. The first two slept like champs but that third one acts like sleep is completely offensive to their person. Parenting is like a board game made up by a 6 year old who’s just throwing random rules and regulations out willy nilly. Just when you think you have a handle on the game, it changes. Lose a turn. Roll 6 to start. Do not pass go. (But definitely pay $200 to buy one of those insanely expensive lifesaving butt rocking baby holding chair things. Because even we can smell how much we need a shower here.)

           This is why veteran parents with multiple children always look like they’ve been put through the wringer. They’re fighting multiple battles with multiple children on multiple different fronts. You can read all the parenting books that you want and it’s never going to prepare you for the uniquely specific way that your children are going to torture you. And yes, they WILL torture you. Lost sleep, stress, worrying, contests of wills, tears, and tantrums (mostly theirs but occasionally yours) will be enough to keep you second guessing yourself at every turn. This is why moms lie in bed at night wondering if they’ve done the right thing (probably), if they’re causing their child to need therapy later in life (yes), if they’re really teaching them life lessons (also yes), and if it’s possible to ever have a worry-free night of sleep ever again (unequivocally no).

            It’s a marvel though, just  amazing the personalities that these little beings carry inside them from such a small age. Each one unique. Each one special. Each one with one mom hot button they can push to get her from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat. I’m pretty sure that this is a mini course they take in the womb. There they are, just floating around in all their amniotic glory, bored out of their skull. What a perfect time to brush up on some newborn skills. Let’s see: Using the same cry to mean multiple things to confuse parents 101, how to sleep in one hour increments for beginners, finding the quickest route to piss your parents off for dummies…sign me up! So they sleep deprive us, make us their slaves for the first few years, and basically wrap us around their finger from that first milky eyed newborn glance.

<Checks playbook>

“Nope, that sounds about right.”

            And it’s downhill from there. Because not only are we getting on the job parenting training, but everyone always wants to offer (usually unsolicited) advice at our obvious parental ineptitude. (Eye roll) Yet no one is immune to the unsolicited advice because us parents have been there in the trenches. We know. And we just want to tell you what worked for us in the hopes that maybe our kids aren’t the only weirdos who had to have a mam pacifier chilled in the fridge for 10 minutes before being rocked to bed while being sung ACDC’s “Back in Black”. We want you to know that the parent network is out there, ready to lend you all the useless tips that only probably only work on our specific blend of DNA, though we keep hoping some of these tips and tricks may be able to be passed onto other frustrated, bleary eyed parents.

                I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re not alone. We’re all out here screwing our kids up too, even though we have the best of intentions. On the upside, at least we know that they’ll be able to find friends to commiserate about when they need to vent about their wacko parents who never understood them at all. You know, just like we did with our own parents.

 

             

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