I Fought My Inner Child and Lost

           Today is Halloween and you know what that means. Yup, my sister has already asked me for Christmas ideas. More importantly though,  it’s the day that we let our kids live action role play as costumed candy beggars, wandering darkened streets in search of that sweet, sweet sugar high.

If you can remember back to the good old days of your misspent youth when you used to participate in this most cherished childhood ritual, then you’re probably thinking of those awful plastic masks that we had to wear. You know, the ones with the two tiny eye holes and a slit for the mouth? It used to get all slimy from our hot breath and the eye holes would never line up properly, giving you a sight range of like 28% at any given moment. Man, those were the days, weren’t they?

Now that we’re old, we have to rely on our own kids (grandkids, nieces, nephews, strange orphan children that aimlessly wander our neighborhoods on only Halloween) to live vicariously through. Sure, we may be old enough to buy our own candy now, but it doesn’t taste as good as the free stuff. In order to get that awesome Halloween variety mixture that your kids come home with, it would take at least 15 different bags of candy. Have you seen how expensive that stuff is? I’m just looking for a sweet fix, not a mortgage payment! I really feel like I didn’t appreciate those handouts as much as I should have when I was younger.

I shouldn’t have to mention that this is the time where genetics could have helped me out. Short, uh I mean vertically challenged, statures would certainly help blend in with that school age crowd. Especially since masks could hide those fine lines and wrinkles that would surely out me as too geriatric to participate in this tradition. Sure, I’d most definitely have to go to a different town in order to successfully pull this off, one of the downsides of living in a small town where everyone knows your name, but unlike small children, I have a driver’s license. (So there twerps!)

If I’m planning on stealth mode, I’d probably have to go sans children. As much as I love that smallest jerk of mine, he’d definitely rat me out at the first house.

Person: “Oh, I love your scary mask!” My kid: “That’s my mom!”

Sadly, this leads me to admit that my height detriment is not the only hole in this plan. Unless I bribed him with all of my Reese’s…….

Realistically, I know that we are supposed to graduate from trick or treating to “adult Halloween parties” where we get to dress up and alcohol is the candy substitute. But honestly, I’d rather just have the candy. While the scale is sure to betray me the following morning, at least I won’t have a hangover from over indulging in my sweets habit. Not to mention, too much candy has never given me the false confidence that I can indeed karaoke. I have never felt that sharp sting of betrayal from candy. Alcohol is all pretty lies and consequences of my actions. Sugar is just straight forward fun and unapologetic weight gain. Was it worth it? I think you know how I’d answer that.

Halloweening at those grown up parties tend to have lots of guests as well. WAY more than the handful that I’m comfortable with. We introverts try not to people if we can absolutely get away with it. Especially at this point of the year when we know that we will have to prepare for the barrage of the family parties that the holidays will bring. We like people, there’s just a limit to how long we can be exposed before melting into a human shaped puddle. That social battery of mine needs constant re-charging, usually with periods of silence and blissful alone time. As a parent, I don’t get a lot of alone-ness, but I tend to revel in it when I do manage it.

So for all my fellow adults who will be trekking the streets with their costumed miscreant tonight, getting ALL of the steps and NONE of the Snickers, I feel your pain. Know that your cold comfort is the solidarity of all the other sad, reminiscent adults trudging out in this chilly fall weather. (Shout out to my fellow East Coast-ers.) On the bright side, I’m sure that there’s a reason a Milky Way bar won’t make it through quality control’s candy check later tonight, right? (Wink , wink)

 

 

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