I Want To Be President of Magazine Menu-ing

Have you ever read one of those magazines that offers some sort of helpful menu planning? "1 Meal, 5 Ways to Use the Leftovers", "10 Recipes Under $10", "How To Get Your Picky Ass Family To Eat What You Put on the Table Without %*^%$@* Complaining For Once". (Ok, they don't have that one, I just wish they did.)

This magazine that I get, and occasionally even read, had one of these articles. It was "1 Week, 5 Easy Meals". Alright, so far I'm liking the sound of this. With 3 kids and their crazy schedules, we could use some more easy in our lives. So, what delicious things are on this list? Let me tell you.

Meal 1: Chicken and Cabbage Fried Rice. Yup, let me repeat that more slowly for you. Chicken. And. CABBAGE. Fried. Rice. What the hell magazine? Do you think that my six year old is going to calmly sit and eat cabbage? The kid who boycotted grilled cheese sandwiches one day, even though he totally ate them for the 3 years prior? Yeah, I'm not seeing that happen. Even if that miracle somehow occurred, I don't think I can coerce the husband into willingly eating cabbage OR fried rice (he's only an occasional Chinese food fan) and the older two might, maybe in an alternate universe, eat this but not without a healthy dose of face making, gagging, and grumbling.

Meal 2: Pork Cutlets with Apricot-Mustard Sauce. Yes, they actually said apricot mustard sauce. Um, I'm not sure I could eat this, let alone sell it to the rest of the fam. Plus, I don't see how this qualifies for a meal as the recipe is just the meat. Well, duh, any meal is easy when you're only making one thing! The hard part comes when you're trying to cook everything  so it's all ready and hot at the same time. Its a culinary ballet if you will. If I just fed my family pork chops, they better be huge or there better be 20 of them to fill my brood and their hollow legs.

Meal 3: White Bean, Kale, and Sausage Stew. Admittedly, I'm not even sure I could find white beans or kale in my grocery store. Are they special items? Are they in that section of the store that I consider off limits because it has all the 'exotic" foods and I'm just a regular, 'ol cooking cooker? This recipe calls for 8 cups of kale. Eight. Cups. Seriously? I couldn't even fool my kids into thinking "it's just oregano honey!" with 8 cups worth. Not to mention the turkey sausage might get a raised eyebrow or two.

Meal 4: Twice Baked Sweet Potatoes with Cheddar and Bacon. This is the closest to normal recipe I've seen in this list. Except....yeah, I'm not a big fan of sweet potatoes. I want to like them because they're supposed to be healthier or some crap like that, but I just can't. I don't want my potatoes to be sweet. I want them savory. But you can keep the cheese and bacon. Although, again, if the only thing  served my family was baked potatoes for dinner, they better be BIG. Or have half a pig worth of bacon on them.

Meal 5: Cajun Blackened Tilapia. I have a hard time getting worked up over anything that has blackened in its title. Call me old school, but when your meat is black, it's usually time to throw it out or hand it off to the dog under the table. Also, I'm not a big Cajun fan either, so already this dish has two big black marks in my book. I'm not sure I could convince my kids and husband that I didn't accidentally leave the fish on the stove too long. They'd be nodding with their, "Yeah, sure Mom" looks on their faces as I earnestly exclaim, "It's supposed to be blackened, it says it in the name!"

After they give you the recipes, they have a shopping list for you to use when you shop for these "easy meals". They break it down into sections and the top says "Meat, fish, and poultry" (because just meat wasn't accurate enough I guess). The first item is 4 slices of bacon. Yeah, how do I do this? Do I have to go to the magic meat counter to buy 4 slices of bacon? Because I'm lazy and usually just buy the all ready to go packaged bacon. Under dairy they have 13 Tbsp. unsalted butter. Not 14, not 12, but 13 people. Get it right.

I've decided I want to be the president of the menu committee. I would only approve helpful menus for the magazines geared towards real people. (I will let the frou frou culinary magazines keep their feta and tofu encrusted veal chops.) I would offer such helpful menu tips as: "5 Meals to Make With Kraft Macaroni and Cheese" and "How To Make Yourself Eat Hot Dogs...Again". My menu plans would never include feta cheese, goat's milk, or flax seeds.But they might include a preparatory glass of wine for the chef.