The Pee Pee Perils of Pregnancy

You know how some pregnancy symptoms are grossly over exaggerated? Like the whole pickles and ice cream thing? I know some gestating female, at some point in history, had to have had this combination for it to be linked to a pregnancy craving. Personally, the thought of combining those two things just makes me want to revert back to the morning sickness phase. Unless they meant that women crave some weird things during pregnancy like ice cream comma pickles. (Not ice cream with pickles on top with some chocolate sauce.)

Then there are the things that aren't exaggerated. Like the part where your bladder must have gone through a shrinking process because you pee so much. (Yes, I could have said "urinate" and been all fancy and all that, but it's pee. I'm just calling it like I sees it.)

When you're freshly pregnant, your body is working overtime to flush the toxins out and you spend a lot of your new found pregnancy joy in the bathroom. (If you have morning sickness to boot, you're probably spending  more than half!) Then, you have a bouncing bundle of baby bouncing on your bladder. (Phew! That was some serious tongue twisting alliteration there! Say that one 10 times fast!) I think your sweet fetus thinks that your internal organs are there for their amusement with the bladder, of course, being the trampoline.

So, when you're about halfway through your second trimester and you get to combine phrases that should never be in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence (like uterus size and soccer ball), you start to become intimately acquainted with every toilet in a 20 mile radius. You know where they are at work,  stores, school, church, and family abodes. You probably even have a rating system for the public restrooms you've gotten up close and personal with recently. (Target scores an A- by the way, although they always smell like fruity pebbles and give me the strongest craving for Flintstones inspired cereal.)

So pregnancy is probably not a good time for one conveniently located bathroom at work, where I am spending 40 hours of my weeks, to go on the fritz, right? Yeah, it's awesome. Instead of waddling 10 feet from my office to the toilet, I get to waddle down a few hallways with the boy playing, "Let's see how hard I have to kick Mommy before she's stricken with sudden incontinence." Yay me! Because it doesn't matter if you peed 20 minutes ago or 2 hours ago; as soon as you stand up and that baby ping pongs down onto the organ o'pee, you're in desperate need of a bathroom break. STAT! (The real irony is that I've worked in this office for almost 9 years and there hasn't been a single out of order sign utilized.....until this year.)

Luckily, I work with a bunch of nurses so if they keep up the crap (pun intended) with the out of order toilet, I'm just going to ask for a catheter. Or a chux pad. Maybe both. Hey, it's my potty and I'll cath(eterize) if I want to.