Waking Up in a Winter Wonderland

Well, winter has officially slapped our asses with a heaping amount of snow. These are the things you deal with when living in Upstate New York. Secretly, I'm thrilled to have a white Christmas (or at least a grayish, dirty snow white Christmas, but it beats the brown, dead grass Christmas we could have had) since there are only 10 days til we wake to our bounty from jolly ol' St. Nick. Having lived in New York my whole life, however, I've observed the following things about snow storms:

1. If you are over the "Yay it's a snow day and there's no school" age, it's NOT acceptable to be happy about snow. In fact, it must be the worst news you've heard all week. Constant bitching and complaining must follow in the form of such comments as: "Look at all this white crap!" or "Great, now I have to leave 10 minutes early so I can brush the car off!" or better yet "I can't believe the god damned plow came right after I finished snow blowing the driveway!"

2. At the first prediction of a snow storm you must immediately rush to the nearest store and purchase copious amounts of milk, bread, toilet paper, water, and batteries. It does not matter if you already have a six month supply of any of these items. BUY MORE! It doesn't matter that you could technically walk to Walmart in 10 minutes if absolutely necessary or that we live in 2013 and have handy things like plow trucks, rock salt, or generators. It common storm preparation etiquette numb nuts!

3. A storm will only come on the one day a week that you pray it doesn't. You could have a completely clear schedule and have an engagement on one single day. One slice of a day. Four measly hours of a day. And that is when it'll start snowing. Don't utter any sentences that contain the words, "As long as it doesn't snow on _____." In fact, don't even think it.

4. No matter how long people live in snowy climates, they always forget how to drive in the snow after a 6 month hiatus. It doesn't matter if they've lived through 5 New York winters or 50. It doesn't matter that they've had the same vehicle for 7 years. Somehow, they forget how to drive in snow without being a complete and utter moron. This happens in one of two ways: They freak out at the first snowflake and drive 14 miles per hour to their destination or they think they're invincible and drive 14 miles faster than the actual speed limit. On the highway. Without clearing their car off first so that all the snow comes flying off and hitting your windshield. By the way, thank you very much for that!

5. Adults will be happier with storms that occur on any non-working days. (For the most part, the weekends.) Kids will complain about wasting snow on weekends because it deprives them of a snow day at school. It doesn't matter if the little turds have 5 piddly days of school left before leaving for a 16 day Christmas vacation. It's the snow day that got away.

6. If your husband or wife is the one who does the snow clearing at your house, you are most definitely not allowed to be happy about snow until a minimum of 12 hours after the official ending of the storm have passed.  You must sympathize and be prepared to offer inane comments like "I'm sorry honey, snow sucks!" or "Would you like a cup of hot cocoa/coffee/tea?" Under no circumstances should you make a positive remark about being lucky to have it on a weekend instead of a workday or that we could have gotten much more snow. (Refer back to number 1.)

And last but not least:

7. Make a huge deal out of the fact that you are "stuck at home" because of the "stupid storm". Even if your pre-snow plans included sitting in your pajamas all weekend reading the newspaper and watching the Classic Movie Channel on tv. Act as of this storm is the biggest inconvenience you have ever had to deal with and you aren't sure how you'll cope until the 12 hours have passed when life returns to normal again. When you'll still be in your pajamas reading the newspaper. But this time with clear roads.