What’s For Dinner? Answering Life’s Toughest Questions.

If someone had told me that adulting meant being in charge of deciding what we eat every single night forever and ever until I die, I might not have signed up for this gig. (Let’s face it, that’s just one of the many reasons that growing up was overrated, am I right?) As it is, I can’t figure out what I was in such a hurry for in the first place. Sure, you get to eat cake for dinner if you want, but if you’re a parent, you’re either going to have to share or hide in a closet like the cake hoarding refugee that you are. (I’m not sure that takes the sting out of getting up and going to work every day though.) Disclaimer: If you’re single, live alone, and are eating cake in a closet, there might be some deeper issues that need addressing.

Dinner has been a point of contention in my house for quite some time. Mostly because my husband likes to ask what we are having for dinner. Every day. At nine in the morning. Basically, I’m still finishing the magic juice that gives me life (A.K.A. Bean juice A.K.A. nectar of the coffee bean A.K.A. ambrosia of the Gods) and he’s asking what we are having for dinner. I’m not sure if it’s because my strangle-o-meter is not quite at zero yet (since I haven’t finished my daily dose of java) or if it’s because men are from Mars and women are from Jupiter (Venus? Alaska? You’d think I’d know this one, right?), but there’s nothing like having to answer what you’re having for dinner when you’ve barely eaten breakfast. To say the least, it irked me. And because the human race needs to create likenesses in their own images, little “mini-me’s” if you will, the middle schooler started picking up this habit of dinner questioning.

Oh for the love of all that’s holy! Are you kidding me right now?

So I, in my infinite wisdom, decide that I am going to create a monthly calendar that has ALL the dinners on it. (Actually, the blank calendar that I printed out actually has FIVE weeks, so it’s like a bonus month instead of a regular month.) Surely THIS will stop the myriad of questions, right? It did. I’m sure it didn’t have anything to do with me telling him to check the calendar any time I was on the receiving end of the grievous dinner query. Or stating that the calendar now preempts all endeavors to even make an inquiry as to dinner plans. That’s right, I went through ALL OF THIS NONSENSE just to stop being annoyed by a single, frustrating question. Hey, you can’t say that I’m not motivated or creative.

As a side benefit of the calendar, I don’t have to put a lot of thought into the grocery lists anymore either. I check the dinner schedule to see what I need and voila! Instant grocery list! Okay, well, it’s not magic. I still have to write it. But now there’s less agonizing at least.

The problem with this is if I HATE planning singular meals every day, how much worse is it to come up with 35 at once? Yeah, it’s not that great. On the bright side though, I can usually repeat a meal here and there as long as there’s at least 3 weeks in between.

This, however, leads to another problem: putting meals on there that everyone likes. Why is that a problem you ask? Because those meals are all DIFFERENT. Yes, sprinkling those meals throughout the month means that everyone is miserable about what they’re eating on different days. Do you know what dinner that makes everyone happy? Every other Friday’s “eat out” night. Yes, the one where I don’t have to cook and the meal most likely with the least nutritional content is the one that saves the day. Hey, even chefs need days off, right? Creating culinary masterpieces like Kraft a La Mac and Cheese and Petite Frozen Fish Filets is an exhausting business, alright?)

So now that I have come up with a fix to that dilemma, how about tackling that dinner rut? Anyone else out there in a stuck in a grotesque groove of the same old, same old? Yeah, picky eater, time constraints, and lack of F’s to give pretty much mean that we are rotating the same seasonal appropriate meals in an endless, exhausting dinner cycle. To remedy that, I have taken to occasionally scouring the internet for family-friendly-picky-eater-approved-doesn’t-take-all-night-to-cook meals to throw in the mix. (What this means is that the picky eater now gets 3 more meals to be miserable over. Though he did like the crescent roll pizza, so maybe progress after all?)

So for all those exhausted parents out there who are living the dinner struggle right now, I see you. Not that that really helps you much unless you were just looking for some validation. I will leave you with this tip: Grilled cheese sandwiches (and tomato soup in cold weather) make an excellent go-to menu filler. I know, amazing right? If I keep this up, I’m going to be the next star on the Food Network. You’re welcome.

 

 

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When Leaving the Nest Doesn't Stick

 

When your kid gets old enough to leave the house, it’s a bittersweet moment. On one hand, the child that you’ve raised and housed and fed for all of their entire life is leaving. On the other hand, you get to have that craft/exercise/ceramic llama collectible room that you’ve always wanted. So you wish them well, lose sleep over their learning curve of how to adult, and eventually settle into your new normal. And that new normal becomes nice, in a different sort of way.

Except sometimes…sometimes they come back.

When your fledgling bird returns to the nest, (and you now have to find room to store 276 llama figurines) know that this is also not easy on them. Not only have they been able to live away from the eagle eyes of mom and pop, but they have had the luxury of not having to make their bed, pick up their socks, or live anything remotely close to anything that resembles a human. (Though this may possibly only be the male of the species. Or perhaps just specific to this one male child. Or specific to this one, slobby, male, grown-ish child.) They have been able to become their own person, which is great, except they’ve brought that person with them and that person has forgotten how to live in civilized-governed-by-parents society.

As their parent, you’ve told them their whole lives that you were their safe harbor, so it’s not like you can recant now. You can’t take back 23 years of love and security. Well, you could, but then you’d just have sleepless nights imagining what might be happening. (Mom-magination is basically just moms thinking of every worst case scenario that could happen and doing their best to prevent it. We can’t help it. It’s like hardwired into the nurturing gene. Or maybe it’s the over protective gene. I forget which. It’s why we have such a hard time trying to parent adult children who are capable of making their own decisions and mistakes, knowing that we can’t Mom swoop and fix everything like we could back when they were 5.)

So back to the mom-magination. You’re lying there. The brain is working overtime. If you don’t let them come back and get themselves together again they might end up couch surfing. Or worse, homeless. And what if they’re homeless, minding their own business sleeping under a park bench, when they’re violently abducted and stolen for organ harvesting? They wake up in some seedy motel bathtub filled with ice and a very important organ has vanished, to be sold on some secret black market. (Though that’s not politically correct anymore so maybe it’s the absence of all light market now?) 

Or worse, maybe they took ALL the organs and you’re left with basically a pod person. Just an empty skin shell that resembles the son that you used to know. and it’s not like you can just make another one of those lickety split. For one, that baby making factory is CLOSED FOR BUSINESS. It’s been foreclosed on. The weeds have overtaken the place and it’s a ramshackle, run down old factory that’s rumored to be haunted. And even if it wasn’t closed, and I even knew where to find a brand spanking new baby on the absence of all light market, do you know how long I had to work on that one to train him on the art of being a human being? Granted, seeing how he lives these last 2 weeks, I apparently didn’t do as well as I thought, but still, there is A LOT of time invested in that kid. Plus, he was the FIRST one. The one where I was too young and too stupid but I had a lot of good intentions and energy so it made up for it. Now I don’t even have any good intentions.  And forget about the energy because that ship has sailed baby. This is why the last kid is the way they are, parents are just phoning it in because they are exhausted and need a nap 24/7. Or in the very lease a Zoloft because parenting doesn’t stop when they leave the house, as I have been so eloquently explaining in this last paragraph.

Fortunately, I have gained enough wisdom and experience to deal with this situation gracefully, or at least with minimal screaming and hair pulling. (Yours AND theirs.) So you make adjustments to feed another mouth, which as it turns out is fairly easy since you can’t seem to cook small meals anyway, find places to store another person’s belongings, and shuffle furniture to squeeze them in. This usually is accompanied by nagging them because that also seems to be a predominant mom gene that I’ve been honing with his siblings.

Muah ha ha ha ha, my mom arsenal is complete!

For now I’ll try to enjoy this “bonus time” with a kid who will be gone again in a few short weeks because yeah, he’s a pain in the ass. But he’s my pain in the ass and I’m keeping him. Unless he becomes a Cowboys fan. Then I’m putting him up for adoption.

 

 

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Goodbye 2020, and Good Riddance!

 

Well people, we did it. We made it to the last day of 2020. Tomorrow will dawn on the first day of 2021, and while Coronavirus won’t magically have disappeared, we have one thing that was sadly lacking in 2020: HOPE. That’s right, the Corona virus vaccine fosters hope for a better year. One that may even include a vacation. Do you remember vacations? I don’t mean sitting at home for a week just to use up time that you have to use before the end of the year, I mean actual vacations. Like getting to go somewhere other than your backyard. Sigh….I’ve really missed vacations.

Unfortunately, they are saying that it may take years before we see any results because of the number of people who are reticent about getting the vaccine. Because of course. This is why America can’t have nice things. All of the people who act like spoiled toddlers throwing Mom’s knick knacks and smashing them on the floor. Here are some of the arguments that I have heard are being used against getting the vaccine:

                “If they haven’t found a cure for cancer in all these years, I certainly can’t trust that they have found an effective vaccine for Corona virus in just a year.” Really dude? It’s called THE ENTIRE PHARMACEUTICAL COMMUNITY WAS WORKING ON THE SAME PROBLEM AT THE SAME TIME. Also, gobs of money were being thrown into funding the vaccine for this ONE VIRUS. There was no split concentration. No focusing on multiple projects at once. The entire world stopped and threw their weight behind finding a covid vaccine. This just shows you how much we, as a nation, could actually accomplish if we weren’t always divided on everything all the time. Or even a world as a whole. Teamwork makes the dream work baby and this just goes to show you that it actually works. Now if we could just get on the same page about global warming. 

    And do we really think that the people who are using this excuse would actually take a cancer vaccine if it was available tomorrow? No, they’d probably say something like, “Well, it took so many years to come up with it that I can’t trust that it works. I mean, if it were that simple, wouldn’t they have found it years ago?” These are probably the people that are never happy unless they have something to complain about.

“I don’t want the government tracking me.” Oh good Lord. This is what happens when people only skim articles or eavesdrop on half of a conversation. We’ve been over this people, it’s tracking the distribution of the vaccine, not putting a tracking chip in your arm. For frick’s sake, it took an entire population looking for an answer to this problem, do you really think they are organized enough to track billions of people? Just the sheer manpower required to log this data would be a decades long project. It took six months to decide to give Americans $600. (Oh wait, that’s not even a sure thing yet so probably even longer.) I’m pretty sure we’re safe from being tracked by THE MAN. Though, these are probably the same people who search for Area 51, wear tinfoil hats to prevent being beamed up to the mothership, and think that the static from radio waves is an alien race trying to communicate with us, so I’m not sure we can put much stock in their opinions.

“They came up with the virus so fast that they cut corners. It’s not safe.” See above reference to combined brain power and funding. Just because they came up with it quickly, it doesn’t mean that the government would allow the cutting of any corners. Guidelines still had to be adhered to and trials still needed 2 months of data before they could even think about asking for permission to manufacture the vaccine. Read that part again. They needed TWO MONTHS OF DATA before they would be GRANTED PERMISSION to manufacture the vaccine. Mom wouldn’t let them go outside to play until their room was cleaned AND inspected by her. So it’s not a matter of being unsafe, it’s a matter of having the most brilliant minds in their field working towards a common goal. Of course, these people also probably complain about having to wear a mask because it’s repressing their civil liberties, yet pooh pooh a solution that is working towards being able to get rid of said masks.

“I’ll get Corona virus from the vaccine.” This would be true if any of the vaccines contained the live virus. Since it doesn’t, it’s not a factor. These are probably the anti-vaxxers who still believe that vaccines cause autism, even though that was soundly disproven.

“I don’t put unknown chemicals into my body.” These crunchy granola types are only believable if you tell me they don’t eat processed food, tried pop rocks as a kid, drink soda, take a prescription medication for any reason, or partied in the woods as teenagers. If you’ve done, or still do, any of these things, then I believe the word that you are looking for is “hypocrite”. These people probably advocate herd immunity by having large gatherings and letting “nature take its course”.

Listen, don’t think that I am saying that you have to get the vaccine or you’re wrong. If you don’t want to get it, that’s your prerogative. I’m just saying that you can’t use some asinine BS theory to fuel your decision. Do some actual homework man. Find some research that supports your hypothesis. Research that is based in science and facts. Don’t listen to FOX news and hear half an opinion from some rando politician and form a half-baked theory that you then spread to more gullible saps who don’t know how to work the internet (or the card catalog, if you’re old school). As for me, I will probably opt to get the vaccine. Once the 4.2 billion people in line ahead of me get theirs that is. Until then, I guess I’ll just wear the mask and pray to the vacation Gods.

 

 

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Our Children: The Great Time Magicians

     Everyone thinks that their child is special. Maybe because they’re a math genius or because they didn’t lick any other kids at the playground that day but they are, in fact, special for another reason altogether:

Children are Magicians of Time.

Ok, I know you’re thinking that I’ve finally gone ‘round the bend now. Well, yes, I have. I thought that we had established that these past few years that we’ve spent time together. Anyway, if you take a moment and really think about it, you will see the evidence that’s been staring you in the face.

The ability to manipulate time comes at birth. Since it takes time to hone this skill, it’s a little wonky in that first few months. That’s the reason why all of a sudden you realize that it’s been a week since they were born (and your last shower) and how every sleepless night in those first months feel weeks long. You’ve got to cut them a little slack people. They’re brand new to this planet. There’s a learning curve. The good thing about this is that you’re too sleep deprived and catatonic to even notice that time has gone all wibbly wobbly. The early days you count yourself lucky if you get at least one hot meal AND a shower in 12 consecutive hours.

They practice their craft until they are master time manipulators and they are damn good at it too. Consider how often time slows down:

·      When they’re sick and all you want is for them to hurry up and be well again

·       Sitting through countless hours of tee ball games where they pick daisies for 2 hours

·        The teenage years

·        Any grade school band concert under the age of 10

·        Listening to them tell you the story of how Tommy threw up at recess, a 12 part saga with meandering mini stories intertwined in the 22 minute tale

In every instance, you’re probably watching the clock avidly, waiting for the hands to tick away the time until normalcy resumes. (The teenage years are a LONG wait for this.) For me, I used to loathe tee ball with the passion of 1,000 fiery suns. I know parents who would look at me in shock like I should be doing cartwheels sitting there while Johnny on the blue team tries 43 times to hit the ball off the tee and Susie on the orange team is laying down in the outfield making grass angels. I know that they need to start somewhere to learn these skills, but I was always thrilled when they moved up to little league. You know, REAL baseball. I’m sure that it didn’t help that baseball season seemed to only have two temperatures: frostbite and sun stroke. Give me a squeaky instrumented fourth grade band concert, I can take it. But whatever you do, please don’t make me sit through tee ball again. (Side note: If the pandemic has given me any gift, it’s that my youngest will be too old for tee ball when sports resume. Halleluiah!)

You’d think that they would be happy to slow time down and be done with it, wouldn’t you? But nooooo, they also speed time up. Think about their first birthday. You sat there for an entire day wondering how the hell a year went by so fast, didn’t you? The same thing happened when they went to kindergarten the first time and you stoically sent them on that bright yellow bus, holding back those tears until they were far enough away that you wouldn’t emotionally scar them (more than normal anyway). How did he get to be 5? When did she grow up to be a school aged kid? How could have 1,825 days have gone by so fast. (I am going to pretend that I pulled that number out of my stellar mental math skills and not the calculator on my smart phone.)

Their favorite time to fast forward, of course, is the holidays. This is why you blink on October 31 and then it’s all of a sudden 3 weeks until Christmas. You can’t really blame them though. Who doesn’t look forward to presents? (Other than a present hating weirdo I mean.) If you’re smart, you’ll get Halloween costumes and stocking stuffers at the same time and save yourself some stress at the time glitch you don’t remember happening. Don’t worry, after a kid or two, you don’t even notice it anymore. You’re too busy baking cookies, wrapping presents, planning parties, cooking food, keeping schedules straight, going to work, cleaning, climbing Mt. Laundry, and possibly even managing some sleep in there too. Just tape your eyes open because if you blink one too many times, it’s February break.

These kids get so good at making time go by fast that sometimes they make it disappear completely. It’s true! Tomorrow is December 1. I’m pretty sure that yesterday was June. So where did the 5 months in between go huh? They literally disappeared into thin air. POOF. This is where the magicians show off their true skills. The earlier stuff was just warming up for the main event. Once they’ve mastered making literal hours and days disappear, they start going bigger. Weeks, months, years…..before you know it they’re off to college and you’re scratching your head at an eight year old is able to even go to college. At least, that’s the last clear memory you have. Their 8^th birthday party that you spent hours on Pinterest finding ideas how to do an under the sea themed party and all the time that you cut out construction paper fish and made fishing poles out of sticks and strings.

So the next time that you’re wondering where the time went, remember the little Time Wizard that resides with you. That Marvelous Minute Magician. Admire their skill. Appreciate their craft. Most importantly, hug them before it’s Tuesday the 21^st of three years later.

 

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According to the Polls, I’m Only 93.4% Politically Incorrect

 

Ah, politics. Is there any topic more controversial and forbidden in conversations? For generations, politics has been a relationship hand grenade, tossed in casually and accidentally, only to result in catastrophic losses of relationships and sanity. This is true of any time period in history, but because 2020 has been so extra, naturally it has been amplified to the nth degree.

Since this is a year that seems to want to throw all its crazy at us at once, the political system is a powder keg just waiting to explode. Not to mention that the gloves are off this year with campaigns becoming cut throat and messy, slinging mud around like a deranged toddler hopped up on pixie stix. For example, there are 2 Congress candidates who are so busy dumping on their running mate that I couldn’t actually tell you what their platforms are. What I CAN tell you is that they text and call my cell phone, call my house, and spam my mailbox with cards and pamphlets multiple times a day. At this point, the one who is getting my vote is the one who leaves me the hell alone. Oh, that’s right, I’m keeping a tally now little missies.

The big storm that’s brewing is, of course, the presidential race. Personally, I’m not that thrilled with either of the candidates. Every time I see Joe Biden, I think of that puppet that Jeff Dunham has, the grumpy old man named Walter. If you’ve ever seen that puppet and Joe Biden in the same room, I’d be surprised. In fact I’m still not convinced they aren’t one and the same. It would explain the vague sense of unease I get whenever I look at him. He kind of reminds me of the creepy old uncle that gets drunk at the Christmas party and tells inappropriate dirty jokes that make everyone uncomfortable. Then there’s Donald Trump, which doesn’t actually need any other description if you’re unlucky enough to currently live under his sovereign rule in the grand old US of A. He definitely is the creepy old guy at the party except he’s not telling dirty jokes, he’s talking about his favorite person (himself obviously) and telling tall tales about his greatness.

The only good thing to come from these two were the debates. I mean, it was literally the best reality television we could watch. Pop some popcorn and pull up a chair folks, because you aren’t going to want to miss tonight’s episode of Debauchery, Douchery, and Debates.

(Announcer) The tension in the air is palpable. Will we find out how many different ways Donald can sabotage Joe’s speech? Will he cut him off? Will he talk over him? Will Joe ever get two words in edgewise? And will Joe have the ability to fight back and finish a thought? Find out tonight on Debauchery, Douchery, and Debates!

I remember being a child, maybe 9 or so, and asking my father who he voted for in the election. The sharp response of, “None of your business. That’s personal.” was my first clue that politics make people crazy. That response imprinted on me though and made me liken politics to buying sanitary products at the store. Sure, you are going to go with the brand you trust, but you aren’t going to feel good about having to buy them in such a public place. And for the love of all that’s holy, definitely don’t make eye contact with the cashier ringing you out. The horror!

So this impression of politics being a private business has stuck with me all these years. It hasn’t really affected me much since I haven’t been a super politically driven person. (I’m sure that it helps that I haven’t liked any candidate as much as Ross Perot. I wonder what he’s up to? Maybe VH1 can do a presidential candidate version of “Where Are They Now?”.) Even as I’ve dipped my toes in the political waters and made it a point to educate myself before voting, I still don’t know that I can really call myself emotionally vested. Other people apparently do not have these same reservations. I cannot believe how many people have candidate signs in their yards, proudly proclaiming their support for Trump or Biden, without any regard for the secret shame that you are supposed to harbor for overtly liking ANY candidate. It’s like they don’t even feel the slightest bit of discomfort at being so public. Yikes. I just can’t figure it out. Don’t they worry that some anti-supporter will target their house and tp their trees or deface their signs? I don’t even leave pumpkins on my porch on Cabbage Night in fear that some dopey kids will trash them in a time honored tradition of dumbassery. Dopey adults with a holier-than-thou attitude and a chip on their shoulder are WAY worse.

So navigating this shit show of an election has been interesting for all of us, but probably not as interesting as it’s been to my “brand new voter” daughter. She is so excited that this is her first presidential election that she can participate in. Like carrying around her voting card in her wallet excited. It’s actually very impressive. I only muster up that much enthusiasm for chocolate chip cookies and new books. But then again, I am old and jaded now so it takes a lot more for me to get to actual feeling mustering. I’ve been trying to impress upon her how important it is to vote for the candidate that she feels most aligns with her views, but I’m not quite sure that she’s going to find a contestant, I mean nominee, with a cold brew coffee addiction that watches too much Netflix and treats napping like a religion. Then again, we ended up with a reality television president so I guess anything's possible, right?

On a more serious note, no matter what team you're on, make sure you get out there and vote! At the very least you might get a cool sticker out of the deal.

 

Thank you Google search for adding this image for impact!

 

 

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An Open Letter to 2020

Dear 2020,

We have asked you here to, well, I’m just going to say it. This is an intervention hon. You are, frankly, a hot mess of a year. In fact, I think it may be safe to say that you have passed hot mess and gone straight to garbage heap. Yes, it’s truly that bad. Now, now, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Well, there are a few things to be ashamed of but we’re not trying to place blame here. We just want to help you.

                I know what you’re thinking. You started out with such promise. A fresh new year, a fresh batch of resolutions that we all know no one actually follows through on. It was the beginning of a brand new decade with so many possibilities on the horizon. Vacations were planned. Parties and gatherings were held. Families still liked each other. Yup, 2020 was going to be an amazingly awesome year. Sadly, this shiny happiness was short lived.

Because shit hit the fan with Corona (the-virus-not-the-beer).

Though you started showing some signs of stress in February, it wasn’t until March that you began your rapid downward spiral. I will give you credit, you went off the rails in a spectacularly big way. Not only did you shock the world with a global pandemic, but you branched out a little and dabbled in murder hornets. You tried your hand at pyromania with the Australian bush fires. Those must have been practice for the bigger event as the entire west coast has been under a fiery siege for weeks now. Yet probably the biggest shocker we had to face was when you let Megan and Harry quit the royal squad. I mean, we REALLY didn’t see that one coming.

Like any great overachiever, you didn’t stop there. That’s right, if you act now, we’ll throw in half a dozen more tragedies and bizarre occurrences for the low, low price of all your sanity and belief in mankind. Yes, call now and you can also have an unsuccessful presidential impeachment, a stock market crash, protests and riots that prove black lives do matter, plus you'll found out who the Tiger King is! (What really happened to Carole Baskin’s husband anyway? She totally whacked him didn’t she? C’mon 2020, I won’t tell anyone.)

As if that wasn’t enough you also proved that some people shouldn’t procreate, or at least name their child, when Grimes and Elon Musk named their baby some mathematical equation or some crap like that. I tried to understand what the hell they actually named the poor kid but I think they are still trying to figure it out themselves. Hopefully they’ll come back to it. Quibi was also released unto the world and I’m not sure anyone realized it although ironically, with most of us quarantined and needing more to occupy us, we totally needed it more than ever. 

Some of the things you got into were downright biblical. For a while there, I started looking for the 4 horsemen before I went to work. (Because if the world is ending, I’m calling in sick y’all.) There were locust swarms, flooding in Indonesia, a volcanic eruption in the Philippines, a plague ridden squirrel, earthquakes in Turkey and the Caribbean, and 4 hurricanes so far. In my corner of the world, we’ve been hit with the tail end of a hurricane and had an earthquake, both oddities for our area. Oh, and there was an explosion in Beirut. Because why not blow something up when you're having a craptastic year, right? Sigh. This is not therapeutic 2020, we've talked about this.

So do you see where we have some cause for concern? Not only are you unraveling at an alarming rate, but YOU KILLED MR. PEANUT! What kind of a monster would do that?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Of course you’re not a monster. Pardon my language there. You have to realize though, that these are not the sane actions of a stable and healthy year, right? Buddy, you’re sick. (Like literally, you’re teeming with Covid-19.) You know what? Why don’t you just go lie down for a while and rest. I’ll bring you a cool compress and some valium and you can just lay low and chill until 2021 gets here, okay? Hey, why don’t you watch some Netflix? Uh, on second thought, everything you touch seems to turn to shit so probably let’s leave Netflix alone. Why don’t you watch the debate? It’s very entertaining and sure to cheer you up.

We’re going to get through this 2020, I promise.

Sincerely,

All The People Trying Not To Lose Our Minds Right Now

Please Pass Me the (Micro) Chips

 

Ok, can we all just agree that 2020 has been a garbage heap of a year? I mean, like beer virus wasn’t bad enough we had to add murder hornets, wildfires, floods, giant Asian beetles, locusts, a squirrel with a plague, and earthquakes. Now, I’m not very religious, but even I’m having trouble swallowing that these aren’t some apocalyptic end times kind of phenomenon. I mean, I’m pretty sure that locusts actually are one of the giant neon signs that the 4 big dudes on the horses are gearing up for a visit.

And because people are, well, people, we’ve had some wild and crazy human behavior too. Not just the loots, the riots, the black lives matter/all lives matter pissing match, and the protests, but the conspiracy theories that people seem to believe are prevalent…it’s outrageous. There doesn’t seem to be an end to them either. This makes me wonder if there’s some COVID-19 marketing agency whose sole job is to create these fantastical paranoid theories to spread around just to keep the public ticked off about something other than the fact that no one really knows what the hell is happening with the beer virus. (Honestly, it really doesn’t take much to light people’s fuses out there nowadays, which makes that the easiest job in the history of the universe. I hope it has good benefits at least.)

Here are just a few of the X-Files type of paranoid delusions that are being passed around like a bad game of telephone.

The hoax theory. Corona virus is all just a myth man. Like, they totally made it up to mess with us. (If you read that in a California surfer stoner voice congrats, because that’s the mental image in my head right now.) I’m not sure how bored you’d have to be to come up with this story just for shits and giggles, but I bet you my six year old has reached that boredom level when the iPad dies and there’s "nothing else to do in the entire universe". (Eye roll) I guess if anything else, he has job security.

The masks don’t work theory. You know how your kids (*cough* husband) have that special version of selective hearing that drives you absolutely bonkers? Yeah, turns out much of America has that exact same problem. Someone said that cloth masks aren’t 100% effective and some genius heard blah blah blah NOT blah EFFECTIVE. Like that teacher in the Peanuts cartoons. Boom! Now we have some whack job fanatic spreading information around to the public that they aren’t wearing a mask because it doesn’t work anyway. All of the people that have jumped on that bandwagon basically just wanted a reason not to inconvenience themselves by wearing something that they just don’t want to wear and that was as good as a reason as any. (Plus, they didn’t have to put too much thought into it because it was conveniently put out there for them.)

Those who feel the need to defend their opinion on the uselessness of mask wearing will also go on to defend themselves by pointing out some video that apparently circulated about people not being able to breathe while wearing a mask. I haven’t seen it. I’m sure it exists but I can’t be bothered to waste my time on stupid internet videos. (Unless they are of cats and dogs doing funny stuff. Or cute stuff. Or dumb stuff. Basically I’ll watch anything with those big fluffy goofs because pets, unlike people, don’t totally suck.)

What cracks me up about this argument is that even condoms are only 98% effective against pregnancy and STD’s. Yet there are like 450 million condoms sold every year in the US. Seat belts are only 45-50% effective but we wouldn’t operate a vehicle without clicking that protective harness into place. There are over six million car wrecks every year but that doesn’t stop people from buying a car since there are 17 million cars sold annually. Personally, if you are filled with cooties, I’ll take wearing a mask that’s 60 % effective rather than 100% get your creeping crud germs on me. I’ve lived with kids who have brought home every germ they have come into contact with and then proceeded to come home and share those things like candy bars on Halloween so I’m good. I don’t need any more, thanks.

The repression of our civil liberties theory. Someone, probably the same bored individual thinking up virus hoaxes, has found a way to strip your rights from you and force you to do things that the government has mandated. These awful persons have demeaned you by denying you your right to be a dink and force you to think of your fellow human beings by wearing a mask and keeping your cootie spreading ass at home. “The government is telling me what to do and it’s taking away my freedoms.” Now you sound like my kids. Quit your whining and take out the garbage. Oh, and pick your shoes up while you’re at it. The government also says you need a license to drive a car. Are you whining about that too? If you’re so determined to act like a child and whine about everything then just pretend that dad (the government) grounded you until you’ve thought about your actions and decided to apologize for spreading the plague to humanity. (I’m not sure there’s an eye roll big enough right now.)

The media is making us into fear mongering cowards. Well, yeah, probably. The age of information has lead to too much information, too much access to said information, and way too much dissemination of this information. It’s not a bad idea to unplug for a little while and oh, I don’t know, maybe think your own thoughts for once instead of what other people are trying to get you to think. This goes for any of the other theories as well. If people could learn to research both sides of something, consider all angels, and THEN form an opinion, we might start a revolution of people who aren’t crowd following zombies. Rarely is anything so black and white. It’s probably a super fantastic idea to realize that people’s opinions aren’t facts and that if we can work our smart devices, then we can probably manage an internet search to gather information on a subject. (Or if you’re feeling an information overload, there are always those pet videos.)

The COVID vaccine is another method of government control because they are going to contain microchips. I just found out this one the other day. It took me awhile to wrap my head around this one because apparently I am not cray cray enough to swallow this pill blindly. I required more information. This seems to be another mask theory type of situation where someone added 1 and 1 and came up with 11. Apparently they are planning to add microchips to the container of the vaccination in order to keep track of the regions and the distribution of the vaccine. It’s nothing different than getting a flu shot and them writing down the lot number batch number off the vaccine vial. Yet apparently microchips are synonymous with governmental subjugation. We can use the same type of technology to create a slim tablet that can be functional as well as entertaining but (GASP) don’t use it to track and collect data! That’s appalling! I have rights you know!

I read an article today that said 1 in 3 Americans have stated they wouldn’t get the vaccine even if it was available. Now, I don’t know if this was a casual poll or not and I’m not saying that I take this as gospel. If it is factual, however, it is truly a sad situation that will probably lead to us fighting the beer virus for a long time. Did they have this much resistance to the polio vaccine? Rubella? Did the folks of yore say, “I’ll take my chances with rickets rather than let my child drink the foul liquid that springs from yonder cow’s teat!” I guess I’m just wondering how we got here.

Do you have any wacky COVID conspiracy theories that you’ve heard and just can’t believe? Share them with me using one of the methods below. I’d love to hear any that I’ve missed. Until then, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times and adjust your tinfoil hat for maximum coverage.

 

 

 

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I Might Need An Intervention, But Only a Teensy One

While there are a myriad of issues that we could unpack given the current state of the world, sometimes it’s nice to just unplug from the Drama Queen that 2020 has become. You know, find a hobby and decompress. Read a book. Binge a Netflix series. Hunt murdering psychopaths.

Ok, let me back up a little.

It started about a year ago. I was suddenly seeing ads on my social media for these monthly murder mystery boxes, the latest I thought, in the new subscription box fad. Since I love mysteries, and because curiosity killed the cat, I clicked on the ad to get a better idea of what it was all about.

Oh boy. Probably shouldn’t have done that. (Cue the virtual stalkers.) AD!!! DIFFERENT AD FROM ANOTHER COMPANY WITH THE SAME PRODUCT. FIRST COMPANY BUT DIFFERENT AD! THIRD COMPANY AD! ADD ADS! AND ADS! AND ADDITIONALLY…THESE ADS! ADDY AD AD AD AD AD!

OK! FINE! I’ll subscribe to the %$^*ing thing and see what it’s all about.

Turns out it’s pretty freaking cool. The premise is that a fictional (I hope!) someone is killed and you have to find out who did it. Each month they send you new clues and evidence and you rule out another suspect until, after the sixth box, you figure out whodunit. Since I have a  bunch of weirdo family members who love board games and murder mysteries to boot, it became a family activity. Each month we looked forward to uncovering a new piece of the puzzle. Gathering new clues. Solving new puzzles. (Finding out how many different kinds of ciphers there are!)

You really get to dig in there and say cool things like “You can’t handle the truth!” and “Book’em Danno!” No, none of that was really necessary, but we are big goofballs who apparently can’t even solve fictional murders without a grain of humor mixed in.

Yet….in the back of my mind I remember those *other* companies. That were doing the hard sell when I clicked on the first company’s ad. I began to wonder what those ones were like. Were they different? Were they more murder-y? More puzzle-y? I began to cast my wandering eyes toward these NEW, FRESH companies and wonder what they might bring to the table.

So like any good nerd, I put my research hat on and do a search for the top rated mystery boxes. WOW! There are even more than I anticipated. (Also, escape room boxes and mystery boxes are considered pretty much the same thing I guess.) Luckily, some obsessive sleuther with OCD (other than me!) has already compiled this list, complete with a small overview to help ascertain if it’s something you’d like. Right away I see that the one we have is ranked the second best box in the bunch. (Yeah buddy!) After looking at the others, I decide that the third one seems pretty cool and order a box.

Yeah, THIS box is amazing. Who ranked that list? This one should be number one. Not only do you solve the murder, it uses QR codes which makes it easier than the online method used in the other one. Plus, there were a lot more puzzles to solve which upped our fun factor. The icing on the cake is that each box was a single mystery. No waiting for the next month to say, “Freeze You Murdering Son of a Biscuit!”

For my birthday/Mother’s Day (which are only a few days apart from each other), my oldest son (who was aware of my need to try ‘em all) sent me two boxes from yet another company. These were different in that they had a journal to read and evidence envelopes that to open at certain points during the reading. At the end you solved the case based on what you find in both. This seemed more “old school” detective and although I did Sherlock Homes my way through both, I missed the puzzle-y parts from the others. (To my chagrin, I do enjoy the varied forms of ciphers!)

At this point you’d think that I’d had a good sampling and didn’t need to continue, right? WRONG!

The top rated box had to be number one for a reason, right? So I tried that one too. This one was like a mix of the first and second boxes but a lot of heavier use of online interaction. The puzzles I was missing from the last box are back, which is a plus, and it’s a single part mystery so yay for instant gratification! But this one made me feel a little like a dunce since I had to click on the “Need a hint” buttons often. (And then feel like an idiot when I realize I was just overthinking it.)

Now I’m a junkie who needs their next murder mystery fix. Do you know a mystery that needs a good solving? No? Just an itty, bitty one even? How about something missing that needs finding? No? Any sleuthing needs at all? Fine. I don’t need you to scratch my solver’s itch. I’ll do it myself! There are still six more boxes from the top 10 list that I have yet to try, but I will eventually try them all! And when I do, I’ll be ready to take over the world! And no one can stop me! (Insert good-girl-turned-evil-villain laugh here)

 

 

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I’m Optimistically Terrified, Thank You For Asking

So this year has pretty much been a dumpster fire. Corona virus, murder hornets, odd weather that we normally don’t have for our area (including an earthquake AND a tornado), tanked economies, high unemployment rates and now there are protests and looting. So it’s safe to say that 2020 isn’t winning any awards for, well, anything really.

The emphasis was on Corona virus for so long that I felt like there wasn’t any other topic of conversation available. It was infection rates, death rates, mask requirements, and stay at home restrictions, all day, every day. This, while a little scary, at least reminded the public of the invisible threat that was stalking our population like a kid stalking their mother after hearing the crinkle of a snack being unwrapped. Unfortunately, the George Floyd situation seems to have changed that focus (probably because America has severe ADHD) and apparently this means that COVID isn’t really a problem anymore.

Okay, so you and I both know that’s not true.

But it does seem like something shifted the panic over the global pandemic. Was it the travesty of racism that overshadowed over a million deaths? Was it Memorial Day weekend? The change to nice weather? Phased opening of the economy? Whatever prompted the change in tides, it now seems like people have been given carte blanche to ignore all social distancing and mask wearing protocols.

Personally, I’m optimistically terrified.

On one hand, moving towards a semblance of normal is welcome after months of worry and stress and cloroxing and sanitizing and losing sanity over home schooling. On the other hand, the threat is in no way eliminated (and won’t be until a vaccine is available) and every time my FaceBook explodes with these pictures of non-compliance, I cringe and wonder if I’m the only one in the world that remembers we are still in the middle of a pandemic.

What is great though (said in my sarcasm voice), is that there are still bullies out there who want to make you feel like a moron for being “overly cautious”. People who say that THEY refuse to live in fear. Or that they live in a FREE country so they don’t have to wear a mask. People who feel like this is all a hoax or selfish people who only worry about themselves getting it and not the fact that they could be a carrier. All of these comments are made to target any people who don’t conform to their way of thinking. (Sadly, as a society, we really haven’t grown all that much.)

Ultimately, this means that us “overly cautious” people feel the need to defend ourselves. And the sad part is, we really shouldn’t have to do so. Remember when you were allowed to have a difference in opinion and it wasn’t the end of the world? (Think pre-social media.) Remember when you could say what you think without trying to shove it down someone’s throat until they agreed with you? Sure social media has given us a platform to connect with people but unfortunately, not everyone uses their powers for good.

(Evil villain voice) Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha.

But I really am digressing.              

So now, the economy is starting to open back up and people are starting to feel like this is a sign that everything is “normal” again. I’m not sure if I feel brave enough for the old normal. Not when we have successfully escaped the great and terrible 'Rona thus far.

This means that my household is also taking a phased opening approach. The orthodontist for the 13 year old was deemed necessary as he hadn’t been since December. This was the first time that he has been anywhere in almost 12 weeks. I had visions of fending off giant virus attackers with my handy sword and shield. “Oh no you don’t!” I’d shout loudly. “Not my boy! Take THAT!” And I’d stab them with my sanitized covered sword and send them off to that great petri dish in the sky. None of that really happened however. (But it does show you that writers can have vivid imaginations and a way with imagery!)

He’s also been invited to his first post-Corona virus event. This is much more nerve wracking. As a parent we fight a constant battle with trying to keep our kids safe while trying not to stifle them at the same time. These are the types of situations that we struggle with. Now I have that same sword wielding vision warring with swaddling my kids and rocking them in a rocking chair, all gangly legs hanging off the side as they are way too big to be coddled. (You know, like in that creepy/sweet book where the mom rocks the grown son?)

But we can’t help it, us over protective parents. We put a lot of work into getting them where they are today. Teething, toddling, tantrums and teenage eye rolls….that’s a lot of time and work invested to throw caution to the wind now! Not to mention that this baby making factory is CLOSED. In capital letters, with rusty padlocks on the gates and dry tumbleweeds blowing through. (To emphasize just how closed my uterus is!) So it’s not like I can pop out a replacement human or two if someone breaks one. (I’m looking at you Corona Virus.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if we decline an invitation in the next few weeks, please know that it’s not us, it’s you. We can’t quite be sure where you’ve been, but we’re positive good ol’ Rona is sneaky AF. We’re not hedging our bets.

 

 

 

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Quarantine Journal: Day Two Hundred Eleventy Four

Captain’s Log- Day 1: School has been cancelled for the next month. College daughter has had spring break extended another week while they figure out a plan.  Being the OCD mom that I am, of course I’ve made up a schedule to keep my kids on a routine and make sure that they don’t fall behind in their schooling. Both husband and I are working so we elected college girl to stand in as the substitute teacher.

Captain’s Log- Day 2: The kids seem to think this whole ordeal is like an extra-long weekend. Twelve just asked if he could have a sleepover “during the week”. Seemed annoyed when I said no. (May have been the incredulous look that went with the response.) Not sure if I’m hoping to continue working or if I could use a quarantine vacation too.

Captain’s Log- Day 4: Both husband and I have been deemed “essential” by our employers. Had to cancel family vacation. Kids are bummed but they have a month off from school why are they complaining? Dad and I on the other hand could use a pitcher of margaritas and a week alone in a child-free zone in our house. Too bad there aren’t any child free zones in our house.

Captain’s Log- Day 7: Six year old has decided that he doesn’t want “fake school”, he wants “real school”. No interest in virtual meetings with classmates and teacher. Father and I have started to put some more money away for his therapy fund as there will probably be an additional nine months of “When I was in quarantine…” stories.

Captain’s Log- Day 10: All three male species in my house are starting to feel the loss of sports, both professional and school. Oh no, they’re still watching ESPN all the time, but "it’s just not the same."

Captain’s Log- Day 12: School closure was just extended another month. Both the kids and I are crying. (But only one of us is hiding in a closet with wine and chocolate.) Why can’t they close it in 2 week intervals instead if a month at a time? Do you know how daunting the prospect of another 4 weeks of home school is? 

Captain’s Log- Day 14: Why does the college girl never seem to have any school work? #itsgoingtotakeamiracleforhertopass

Captain’s Log- Day 15: School is cancelled. Non-essential businesses are closed. Two thirds of the work force is at home. Life has been cancelled. Try again in 6 weeks.

Captain’s Log- Day 17: The substitute teacher has quit 3 times in the last week. I told her she can run, but she can’t hide. Actually, she can’t run either. We’re on lock down! Muah ha ha ha ha ha.

Captain’s Log- Day 20: All the talk lately is the stimulus check we are getting. It would sure be nice to use that money towards a vacation….of all the years that we need a vacation and the zombie apocalypse makes it so that we can’t go anywhere. Guess I’m planning a rustic vacation to the living room with a side trip through the family room.

Captain’s Log- Day 22: Florida re-opened the beaches. Mobs of people flocked there. The Corona virus count spiked 1,400+ overnight. Not only can you not fix stupid, apparently you can’t quarantine it, give it common sense or smack the smart into it either.

Captain's Log- Day 23: I'm living in the movie "Groundhog Day".

Captain’s Log- Day 25: The kids are starting to get a little feral. We’ve decided to treat them like puppies and tire them out as much as possible in the evenings. Went great until the youngest had an accident on the rug. No dog bones for him the rest of the evening!

Captain’s Log- Day 27: Woke up to F%$@ing snow on the ground. SNOW. ON. THE. GROUND. We just finally started having nice weather so the kids could murder each other outside instead of inside and now there’s snow. FFS.

Captain’s Log- Day 28: Still an essential employee. Just got my 47^th call about one of the kids being a d-bag to the teacher. Looking for Xanax on the black market.

Captain’s Log- Day 30: The dog just asked me if we are ever leaving the house again. Apparently we are interrupting her leisurely days of napping in peace.

Captain’s Log- Day 33: I just saw an article about people protesting about their civil rights being violated because the government is ordering lockdowns and business closures. (I think they may have drank the same moron juice as the Floridians.) How about those idiots are the ones violating MY rights to breathe non-Corona virus air? Huh? This caused me to go on a rant about how ignorant and selfish people can be and how they will be the reason why we are still going through this bullshit for the next six months and if they had a kid who had respiratory issues maybe then they might get a f$%^ing clue. Husband had to ply me with dark chocolate and ice cream to settle me down.

Captain’s Log- Day 34: Now the two boys have even more time to beat each other up, argue about whose turn it is (for everything) and fart on each other. Yay. Said no one in my house.

Captain’s Log- Day 37: Since School is still canceled, now we get to teach our kids more than review material. Not only don't my students like me but I think they suspect I’m having an affair with the principal.

Captain’s Log- Day 38: Alexa, homeschool the children.

Captain’s Log- Day 39: COVID-19 has cancelled TWO of my vacations now. If you find me in a closet with photo albums from previous vacations, just stroke my hair and tell me I’m pretty. Then back away slowly while throwing dark chocolate Hershey kisses in my direction. Whatever you do, don’t act scared. I can smell fear.

Captain’s Log- Day 42: Or is 43? 45? Who’s in charge of keeping track of this crap? Whoever it is, you’re fired! What, it’s me? Then I’m fired! And if you saw how badly I just did on my son’s math test last week, you wouldn’t argue with me.

Captain’s Log- Day 46 (possibly?): Is it acceptable to have margaritas at my desk in the office? Asking for a friend.

Captain’s Log- Day 49 (ish): SCHOOL IS CLOSED FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. LORD JESUS, PLEASE MAKE THIS VIRUS GO AWAY! OR SEND MORE VODKA. WHICHEVER IS EASIEST.

Captain’s Log- Day Two hunnert eleventy niner eighty: Shur haven’t drunked this morning at all, why ya ashking? No, you shlurring my wordsh! That’s juss rude.

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