10 Reasons I Could Never Be A Nurse

After working with nurses for almost ten years, I've known for quite awhile that this is a profession that I'd never be able to do. Not because I don't want to (which I don't) but because I wouldn't be capable of carrying out the various and assorted nursing tasks that come with the job. Since being in the hospital and being tended by the fabulous nurses here, it's only reinforced that idea. So because of that, here are ten reasons why I could never be a nurse.

10. You can't choose who you want to work with. Yes, that's right, they don't allow you to play favorites when you're a nurse. You might have the nice ones, or the pretty ones, but you also get those who are stinky, dumb, or just plain assholes.

9. You have to play with needles. Um, yeah, those sharp, pointy, stabby things? Not my idea of a good time. I don't want to see them, touch them, heck, I barely want to know they even exist. And if you think I want to jam one of those into someone's body? Think again.

8. You're NOT a doctor. It's like having an older sister who is a super model and being the awkward, not quite as pretty younger sister. Sure, people might listen politely to what you're saying, but they're waiting for the important one to come along.  No matter how many years you're on the job, well, you don't have that M.D. behind your name.Who wants or needs an inferiority complex like that? (But I'm sure this archaic way of thinking is on the way out since we're now all about equality and fairness, right?)

7. Testicles and hoo has. Listen, it's great that you're seeking medical attention for that itch/drip/mole/rash you've had on your no no spot, but I really don't want to look at it. And by really I mean please poke my eyes out with toothpicks rather than make my eyeballs bear witness to the genitalia of strange men and women.

6. Being a drug dealer. Sure the docs might be the one to actually order the meds, but nurses are the ones who get to push all those pills and tonics and what not. They are the ones who get to deal with the bitching and moaning from patients not to mention the ones who get to stab all of us needle-phobes. (Refer back to number 9.)

5. Twelve hour shifts. I know that this isn't a standard, but a lot of nurses work 12 hour days (or nights). I can barely manage to get through an 8 hour workday. Adding another half of a shift? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd need a caffeine infusion for those last few hours.

4. IV's. Having had a few of these in my lifetime, I feel completely qualified telling you how much they suck. Having to be they one to jam a needle into someone's vein and then leave it there for god knows how long? Nope, not signing up for that.

And my top 3 reasons for not wanting to be a nurse?
3. Puke.
2. Poop.
1. Pus.

Basically, any fluid that comes from the human body is a fluid I feel a desperate need to avoid. I barely like my own bodily fluids, let alone those of people I don't even know. I don't know where these people have been or they last time they were disinfected! I'm not sure I'd be able to get through an entire shift without taking at least 3 baths with soap and water and 3 baths in sanitizer. Or maybe bleach. I'd end up being like that movie with the sick boy who has to be contained in a bubble only mine would be from being a crazy germaphobe.

Luckily, there are fantastic, non-squeamish people out there who are more than willing to take on these positions. And to them I say, "God Bless You". Meanwhile, I'm just going to go sit quietly at my paper filled desk job and breathe a sigh of relief that the only fluid I have to deal with is white out.